My expectations were pretty low, but I was feeling optimistic. I knew the production company was just starting, but I love new talent! I knew the director was a rookie, but so was Peter Jackson when he did Lord of the Rings! I also knew the budget was freakishly small and that was going to bother me. So I was expecting to give it a C+. 3 out of 5 stars. Something like that. And I was excited to see Edward Cullen in the flesh!
But Edward Cullen stood me up. Instead he sent this fugly, extremely constipated guy named Rob who didn't possess and ounce of Edward's charm and charisma. He acted like an overly awkward 7th grader around the girl he liked, and basically spent the entire movie brooding and sulking. I don't know what Bella sees in him. Though, if we're honest, our hot tempered, hyper-emotional Bella didn't show up either! Kristen Stewart left all personality at the door. She completely flat-lined the character, giving her the emotional expression of a garden gnome.
I get all fired up when I talk about this, so I'll say it once and I'll keep it brief.
The music? RIDICULOUS to the point of DISTRACTION. Like a cheesy Made-For-TV movie from the 80's. (except for the sensational Muse, played during the baseball scene)
The cinematography? PAINFULLY AMATEUR. I saw Twilight spoofs on YouTube that were done as well.
The Vampires? Alice and Emmett were OK, but everyone else was completely miscast. They were all stiff and unlovable. The villains were MAJOR over-actors. And I think Jasper might be Edward Scissorhand's long lost brother.
The script? Choppy and hollow. The most famous lines from the book were there, but sans the conversation that built up to those lines! Taken out of context, they were stripped of their meaning and left sounding completely phony. Lots of facts from the books were mentioned, but never explained. (such as WHY Edward's eyes changed colors)
I think my kid's monthly allowance might rival the budget for effects. The glittery skin? The red eyes that you could only see when the camera was an inch away? The cakey white makeup that stopped before the ears and showed every flaw on their skin? The lousy sound editing? And that's just the tip of it!
The worst thing on the table was the directing. Small budget aside, she could have directed the characters to have meaningful exchanges. Instead, each line was delivered like a high school play. She could have infused some warmth into the relationships. But everyone remained strained and awkward throughout the whole thing. She could have reminded Edward to 'smolder' a little, or to flash that famous crooked smile we heard so much about. I know Robert could have done it! But instead she kept saying,
"I gotta have more
"Give me WIDER eyes! I WANNA SEE THOSE WHITES!"
She had them all wheezing along in misery from beginning to end. The side characters were the only people in the entire production with personalities. (Mike Newton, Eric, Jessica, Jacob, and Charlie were great) I mean really, Catherine Hardwicke. Was your mom the only person in the test audience? Or did you just not show up to work that day. Because when the entire theater is pointing and laughing at parts that are meant to be cool or touching, something is definitely wrong.
And was is just me or was Charlie hotter than Edward?
Just me?
OK then.
Truthfully? I hope there is no sequel. I hope they let this one sit alone and then REMAKE it in a few years with a good cast, a competent director and a production studio with the means to make it what it could be. But even if they DO go ahead with this horrible cast and crew, the next one HAS to be better, because it DOESN'T GET WORSE.
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18 comments:
I hated it too. Then people are making me feel bad because they think that my expectations were too high. Hello! I'm not a retard. I am fully aware that when books are made into movies they are murdered. I just didn't expect it to be 1st degree premeditated bookslaughter. Bella sucked, edward was mildly interesting.
Your right though, Charlie was pretty hot. Apparently they ARE making full moon, I mean new moon.
My daughter said the same thing. And they moved my Harry Potter back for that crap.
Knot
I'm glad you got this all off your chest. I know it was burdening you. Now let it go....
hahahhahaaaa..hahah..ho.ho.ho...haha!!!
Oh, Melain, I really was laughing out loud. I needed a good laugh this morning, so thanks. About the movie, my sentiments exactly. I agree about Charlie, though I think he was upstaged by James, minus the evil expressions. I thought Jessica was the most authentic character and the fun high-school vibe at the beginning of the movie was the only thing I was pleasantly surprised with. Carson liked it better than I did, I guess because his expectations were lower. After the trailers I knew it was going to be low-budget and cheesy, but I hoped for some better chemistry between Edward and Bella. Oh well, I'll just have to read the books again.
Okay, I thought of a couple more things. First of all, I think it was stupid that they didn't introduce the Volturi at the Cullen's house the way they did in the book if they are planning to make more movies. Secondly, I thought it was ridiculous the way the movie-Bella jumped to the conclusion that James was after her when they made it look like he was leaving peacefully. And with the music, it seemed like a lot of the songs were out of place and didn't promote the right emotion for the scene, and they left the best song (in my opinion), Decode by Paramore, for the credits.
I'm Rebecca's niece and she let me read this because she knows I'm a Twilight hater, and she was totally right!!! I haven't even seen the Twilight movie (I refused to spend a dime on it) and now I'm very glad I haven't. My sisters, however, thought it was the best thing that happened to Planet Earth since sliced bread.
Oh well.
The Twilight lovers.
What are you gonna do.
P.S. I laughed the whole way through your post!
SUSAN: I'm getting the same thing from some people! I don't understand why they're defending it! When I point out what was wrong, they all AGREE, but follow with "I just liked it anyway." I heard they're going ahead with New Moon. After all, they DID double their budget in the first weekend. I'm glad they'll have more money to spend on this one. Can you imagine watching a werewolf transformation on a low budget?!! I'm in pain just THINKING about it!!!
KNOT: I had a moment of silence after that movie to mourn the loss of what COULD have been an amazing evening with Harry.
MELISSA: *Inhale-Scream-Exhale* OK now I can let go.
MARISA: James was DELICOUS. You're totally in my head about the music. It was all wrong. I noticed some scenes that were awkwardly quiet where there should have been music, and SEVERAL scenes where I could hardly pay attention to what was being said while I was thinking WHAT THE HHHHELL ARE THEY PLAYING! Bella jumping to conclusions is another good example of the assumption that the whole audience already knew the story line. Nothing was properly explained. BAD script! BAD!
AMEN Lacey! I knew some people would insist it was good, simply because it was Twilight. I really enjoyed the books. I know they weren't particularly well written, but the characters were so engaging that I loved riding out their adventures with them. But THIS SUCKASS MOVIE did not have those characters. You're doing the right thing by saving your pennies.
I'm really glad you guys hated it. It validates my claims of good judgement and sanity.
I read somewhere that Catherine Hardwicke said she is now getting young women coming up to her saying they want to pursue a career in directing.
Don’t let it go to your head Cathy! I’m pretty sure what the mean by that is “you did just a HORRIBLE job I could TOTALLY do better than that and I’ll PROVE IT… you just watch!”
I am sooooo glad you hated it as much as I did. I got giddy walking into the theater and was literally pissed when I walked out. The only thing that I was amused by was the little line on Bella's google window when she was searching for Quileute Legends... it said The Legend of the Slapping Beaver. I laughed so hard and no one else saw it.
Charlie was supposed to be fatter. Bella was supposed to cook. Edward was supposed to be charming and romantic- what about all those scenes in her room at night??? The meadow was totally butchered. She was supposed to have gone to Seattle- he tries to divert her because of the vampire population there, right??? Agree about Jasper- I whispered that to my movie date.
Nevertheless, I'm so going to see New Moon for the hope of redemption.
-Holly
I agree with you whole -heartedly. I was bummed. I think what happened is that the movie turned everything that I didn't want the book to be into a reality. It felt like cheap romance. I did like Alice though... and I thought Victoria was casted well. That's about it. Seeing as I hated the first half of New Moon as a book, I fear what they will make of it as a movie...
My favorite part in the whole movie was the wall of graduation caps! Edwards thoughts were such a big part and none of that was really displayed well. I even saw it again today. The sound was 10 times better at the Kent Station Theatre.
One thing is for sure.. They promoted Rainer Beer. I didn't even know they made that anymore! They should have picked a better local beer to advertise. I suppose we should be happy they atleast thought about the region a tiny bit in their decision for beer placement..
KB
I agree with everything you said. But I wasn't disappointed because of the low expectations.
I actually liked Bella better than in the book. But you are right. I loved Carlisle though. He did look like a soap opera star though.
The thing that bugged me the most was the glittery skin...the best scene in the book becomes the worst scene in the movie and also the crappy effects.
Even with low budget, they could have done them running where you hear a whoosh and a blur instead of seeing him skimmy up the tree like a monkey that was so stupid.
Yeah maybe she had to sign the movie deal with them when she signed her book deal, so maybe she was stuck...but still ugh the fakiness could have been avoided even in ow budget.
Amen, Sister!... AMEN!
I had fun seeing the movie. I am not such a serious fan of the book. I really liked them. But I do not read the books over and over like some. So some parts of the book I had forgotten about. But you are right about the movie, very cheesy. Very low budget, and it did help knowing the book to fill in the gaps.
Loved reading about your review of it. Good job! I do hope they do a better job next time with the movies sequel.
Amen! You said what I wanted to say, only better. :D Btw, I love your blog.
You have to send this post to Summit Entertainment! If they listen to you maybe the next one won't leave us crying for could have been!
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