Confessions of a Stay at Home Mother ~ Part 2

I color code the clothes in my closet. (say that 10 times fast)

I often shower in complete darkness.

I'm insanely curious about what gasoline tastes like.

I find it more exhausting to spend the day in my pj's doing nothing, than to spend it out getting things accomplished.

I sometimes feel guilty that I don't allow TV in my home because I know it will make things hard on my children socially.

I'm terrible about making my kids floss. I only do it myself like once a season.

I think about sex every bit as often as a "typical guy."

I can no longer stand to buy cheap clothes. Not even for the quick trends. MUST. HAVE. QUALITY.

If I let my hair air dry, I look exactly like Hermione Granger circa The Sorcerer's Stone.

I recently sentenced my entire family to horrible sunburns when I spent a day on the lake mistaking my Continuous Spray Aloe Vera for my Continuous Spray Sunblock.

I do not own more dishes than will fit in the dishwasher together. I refuse to buy more. This is my only motivation to wash them every single day.

I have not been to any kind of doctor for any reason in over 4 years.

It is literally impossible for me buckle Squeaks into his car seat without kissing his face.


What are your confessions?

Lady Logo

I would like to take a moment of your time to brag about tell you what I've been up to this week. It requires a bit of a back story.

Last October, I hired a graphic designer to make a logo for my salon. The idea was to have some flyers done and out by Christmas, so I could take advantage of that extremely busy time of year. But the guy dragged his feet on it, and a week into December, he confessed he hadn't even begun thinking about it. I realized I would need to throw something together myself if I wanted a piece of the holiday money pie.

In my salon, there is a beautiful bust of a woman with long hair. I decided to use her as my logo image for the time being. So I put her on a chair, took a picture of her, and blindly clicked on random Photoshop options until she looked digitized so I could make my OWN dang flyers thankyouverymuch.


Nothing professional looking, but workable. Several people who responded were delighted when they came in, saw the statue and recognized her as the image from the flyer. It was a great conversation starter and I decided to keep her as my logo image indefinitely. I emailed what I had done along with pictures of the rest of my decor to the graphic designer I had hired, and told him to use these to create my look. I was really excited to see him improve on my amateur attempt.

He finally started sending me things. I have NO idea why he went the direction he did. I saw nothing of my salon in his images. And nothing of my statue. It became clear after several attempts that he wasn't getting my vision, so I paid him for his time, and sulked for about a month. Jonathan, my champion of logic and clarity, gently pointed something out to me that gave me the motivation to take the next steps.

He said, "Melain, you're an artist. Most people hire an artist to give them a design because they don't have the vision to make one themselves. You need a DATA ENTRY artist to read your mind and make your vision a reality, because you don't have the skills to do it yourself. That's never going to happen. Their artistic vision is always going to find its way into their work. You've got to either let go of your vision a bit, or get the skills to do it yourself."

As always, he was right. So I set out to get me some skillz yo!

Now bear in mind, this is NOT what I do. I have a great eye for aesthetics and enough skill to pick up a charcoal pencil and make a pretty detailed sketch. But I've never tried to draw with a MOUSE before. I knew it would be hard. I didn't expect it to be as challenging as it was.

It took me DAYS my friends, but I DID IT. I am ridiculously proud and I simply HAVE to fish for compliments show you my design! I'm not showing the whole logo, just the image I worked so hard on.

I started by painstakingly smoothing every pixel of that picture using the few methods I am familiar with. I'm sure there are quick, easy ways to do what I did, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing, so I went the slowest, most agonizing way possible.

Once I was satisfied with her texture. I decided I didn't want her to look exactly like a statue, but more like a drawing of herself. I found a filter that made a basic sketch outline and converted her. As you will see below, the sketch was pretty rough. I wanted her to be MUCH more detailed than I could figure out how to make her with Photoshop's filters.

So, from that sketch ladies and gentleman, I DREW her details by hand. Or rather, by MOUSE. I used the pencil tool, the dodge/ burn tool, and the clone tool. Look at my masterpiece!





Reconstructing the her face and ear took for EVER and I'm delighted with how they turned out. But I am particularly proud of the hand! I used my own hand as a model. I just held it up next to the screen and layered in the shading as best as I could. Can you freaking believe how good it looks?!!! I'm so full of hot air over this I could just FLOAT!

I was on a role! I didn't want to be limited to just a sketch. What if I DID want her to look more like a statue at one point? I went back to the second image I created and spent a few hours improving upon her color and texture. From that I made an image that looked like a painting. I was happy with the results, until I noticed the hands. I had done my beautiful hand in the sketch!!! I should have done it in the ORIGINAL!!! BIG FAT SLAP TO THE FOREHEAD!

A normal person would have walked away at that point. There was no copy and pasting, the textures were too different. And because I was making everything up as I went, I couldn't repeat the steps I had made to the images. So what did I do? I redrew the hand on both images. I'm pretty good at drawing hands with a mouse now!



So there she is boys and girls. The woman who has been keeping me awake at night, giving me severe neck and shoulder tension, and keeping me from blogging. What do you think?!

Living in Fiction

I am a reader. I love getting swallowed up in somebody else's world for a time. I find myself drawn to the kind of story that pushes the boundaries of reality beyond my reach. As I sink deeper and deeper into the Rabbit Hole, I am curiously lifted, as though I've managed to slip past all the sludge of my own existence, right into the bright open skies of possibility. Beth, from Living a Quotable Life, got me thinking about all of the many fictional worlds I've visited, either in books or in movies. If I could make them REAL and actually spend my time there, which ones would I choose? Here are my top 10.



10. Pemberley
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin

"She had never seen a place for which nature had done more, or where natural beauty had been so little counteracted by an awkward taste."

One of my all time favorite literary moments is when Elizabeth Bennett first sees Pemberley House. A big, beautiful house right on the lake, set on high ground and surrounded by woods and rivers. Large, well proportioned rooms with less splendor and more real elegance, and a fine prospect from each window. Pemberley is the ultimate dream house, and *Mr. Darcy**to be read with a British accent* is my ultimate dream man! I would LOVE to step into this scene, but only if I get to be Lizzy.


9. Stormhold
Stardust by Neil Gaiman

"A philosopher once asked, 'Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?' Pointless really. 'Do the stars gaze back?' Now THAT'S a question!"

This is one supernatural world that I would like to sink my teeth into! I want to catch lightening in Captain Shakespeare’s whimsical Victorian flying ship, to battle witches, to travel by candle light, and to make friends with the stars. I love the idea that there are dimensions of worlds within worlds, and that by slipping in and out of them, I can achieve immortality.


8. Atlantica
The Little Mermaid by Walt Disney
The chance to swim down past the reach of the sun into a beautiful, magically lit kingdom at the bottom of the sea is a dream pulled straight from the imagination of my childhood. My sister and I spent countless hours as mermaids in our pool, having wonderful underwater adventures that could only come from the minds of children. If I could revisit that time and take my sister with me to Atlantica, I would snap my fingers and make it so!


7. The Secret Garden
by Frances Hodgson Burnett

"Sometimes since I've been in the garden I've looked up through the trees at the sky and I have had a strange feeling of being happy as if something were pushing and drawing in my chest and making me breathe fast." ~Colin Craven

I've adored this story since I was a little girl. The thought of having a hidden door on my property that leads to a beautiful garden known to no one but myself is completely irresistible to me. How wonderful it would be to slip away into a private world full of the kind of magical energy and healing power that brings an explosion of pure happiness to your chest. Such a place would definitely be my first choice as a sanctuary from the world.


6. Neverland
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

"Wendy and John and Michael...all recognized (Neverland) at once and... they hailed it, not as something long dreamt of and seen at last, but as a familiar friend to whom they were returning home for the holidays."

"All children grow up ~ except one." That line has always intrigued me, but never so much as now. Now that I fully understand all that is lost when you grow up. Now that I am too old for Peter Pan to come save me. And most especially now that I have little children of my own. I yearn to whisk them away to Neverland with me, so I can keep them safe in their childhoods where ordinary things still seem magical and pain never goes any deeper than a skinned knee. I want to live with them in a golden sunlit treehouse under cotton candy clouds. Yet here I remain, stuck in reality, running from the ticking crocodile. Time is maliciously hunting me down and eventually, it will catch me off guard and eat me up. I know that there is amazing beauty in adult life. But today, I want to go to Neverland.


5. Sky High
Screenplay by Bob Schooley

"There is no smoking on school grounds. Or freezing, or bursting into flames."

Sky High is like a sugar coated teeny-bopper version of Heroes, for which I also have a fascination. I would want to be a teleporter for my super power. Think of all the money I would save on travel and commutes, not to mention all the hours I would add to my life! I would go to school with all the other Super Kids of the world. We would have the same silly high school dramas and victories, but with a much bigger splash of cool because we would all be Super Heroes in the making!


4. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

"The great chocolate river, the waterfall, the huge sucking pipes, the candy meadows, the Oompa-Loompas, the beautiful pink boat, and most of all, Mr. Willy Wonka himself - had been so astonishing that (Charlie) began to wonder whether there could possibly be any more astonishments left."

From the rock candy mines 10,000 feet underground to the sugar coated peaks of fudge mountain, I can't believe how badly I want this factory to be real! If only Mr. Wonka had entrusted me with his ingenious legacy, I would have dedicated my life to expanding his catalog of hilarious inventions. Hot cubes that make hot drinks hotter, cavity filling caramels, stickjaw for talkative parents, invisible chocolate bars for eating in class... Talk about fulfilling work! If I can't have it for a lifetime, just give me a week to taste and explore and I promise I'll go home happy.


3. Hogwarts
Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling

"Harry had never imagined such a strange and splendid place. It was lit by thousands and thousands of candles that were floating in mid air... Harry looked upward and saw a velvety black ceiling dotted with stars... It was hard to believe there was a ceiling there at all, and that the Great Hall didn't simply open on to the heavens."

There are so many wishes bundled up and handed to me on a platter in this one world. To fly, to disapparate, to transfigure, to be able to set the dishes to cleaning themselves and to camp with a fully furnished pop-up tent! Of course, it comes with a few terrors, such as vampires, werewolves, dementors and dark magic. But that is all counteracted with the existence of unicorns and Pheonix's, of portkeys and magic potions, of Honeydukes in Hogsmead, loyal House Elves, and of course Quidditch! I actually like that you have to earn your magical competence through study and practice. My greatness would be determined by my effort, and believe me... I would put ALL my effort into this one. Especially if I get to have John Williams write my theme song!

2. Rivendell
Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

"(The House of Elrond) was a perfect house, whether you like food or sleep or story-telling or singing, or just sitting and thinking best, or a pleasant mixture of them all. Merely to be there was a cure for weariness, fear, and sadness."

The description of Rivendell is the closest I've ever heard to what my idea of Celestial Glory would be. It is a place of ethereal beauty that is kept separate from the world and free from all the ugliness of mortality. Every resident is an immortal being; fair and wise, with great spiritual power, keen senses, and a close empathy with nature. I don't just want to live in Rivendell, I want to be an elf! I want to speak that beautiful language and live out the ages in eternal youth, wisdom and nobility. Is that so much to ask?!!


1. Fantasia
The NeverEnding Story by Ralph Manheim

"'How many wishes do I get?" asked Bastian.
"As many as you want." smiled the Childlike Empress. "And the more wishes you make, the more magnificent Fantasia will become."

I choose Fantasia as my number one, not because of the way it's described in the book or the movie, but because of the concept of an entire world that caters itself to my imagination!
Mine would be a great utopian city by the sea, where the sun would never burn your skin, the rain would always be warm and sweet, and the ground would be rich and fertile, spontaneously sprouting caramel apple trees and sugar berry shrubs. My city would be teeming with fine restaurants, glamorous boutiques and spectacular Broadways shows. Each sunrise and sunset would come with music so beautiful that the whole city would stand still to hear it. Neverland would be my Central Park, our Quidditch team would be world champions, Willy Wonka would have more stores than Starbucks, and I would keep my summer house in Rivendell, which would be just a thought away.
In Fantasia, I would have it all exactly the way I want it, just by wishing it so! I know there's a catch to this deal. My life will be an open book. The Child Empress said, "Just as he is sharing all your adventures, others are sharing his." Well what are our blogs but a place to share each other’s adventures? That means I'm already half way there! So you'd better keep an eye on my blog, cuz THIS is where my NeverEnding Story will be found.

So tell me. What are YOUR top favorite fictional worlds? Nabou? Narnia? Wonderland? Camelot? FORKS? Let's hear it.

YOU are driving me NUTS

I'm not an especially irritable person. Most things just kinda slide off of me. I love people and delight in the strangeness that comes with them. But man, this week has been rough. It's like some person in authority quietly declared this to be Push Melain's Buttons Week, and the entire world's population is celebrating it! I have a handful of things that make me foam at the mouth, and they have been going off all around me like fireworks on the 4th of July.

Ironically, it all started with a conversation that I overheard about Pet Peeves. Someone named a peeve of theirs, and then everyone else started throwing in their two cents, like people do when this subject comes up. They were saying things like, "My pet peeve is when elected officials abuse their power."
"My pet peeve is people who pretend to be on your side and then stab you in the back."
"Mine is when children are beaten or murdered."
REALLY?! Funny, that doesn't bother ME at ALL! I was getting more and more irritated by this conversation because those things are NOT PET PEEVES. Those are violent emotional reactions to the evils and injustices of the world. A PET PEEVE is a small, quirky annoyance for one particular person, like when people pop their gum. GENOCIDE does not qualify as a pet peeve! As I was on the brink of exploding into their conversation with a slew of insults, I realized that perhaps my pet peeve is people who misinterpret the phrase Pet Peeve. That comic relief in my own head saved them from my wrath. But it didn't end there. Oh no it didn't. (wanna count how many times I said 'pet peeve' in this paragraph?)

I'm telling you, I have developed permanent facial ticks from all the peeving I have endured this week. I could lay down the stories in detail, but I don't think I can stand to relive it all. So I'll take the easy way out, and just put them in a list for you.

When people look at my extremely expensive imported European contemporary furniture and say, "Is that from Ikea?"

Spitting. ESPECIALLY when there's a deep, throaty SNIFF right before the spit. SICK!

Disinterested service people who act like your patronage is the bane of their existence.

When the big semi truck going 38 mph just HAS to pass the other big semi truck that's only going 35 mph. In a 60 mph zone. On a two lane highway.

Stepping on a puddle of wetness in my clean dry socks.

When The Dad over reacts because The Kids are over reacting.

When people who haven't attended any practices still stand to sing with the choir on performance day.

When people say "excuse you" instead of "excuse me." RUDE!

Finding floaties in my beverage at a restaurant.

Jeans that start out a half a size too small in the morning and end up four sizes too big at night.

The A-hole behind me in the theater who chomps his jumbo sized popcorn with his mouth open, kicks the back of my seat, laughs at the sad parts and HAS to open all twelve of his candy bars during quietest scene in the movie. GRRR!

Unflushed toilets in public restrooms. COME ON people!

Indiscreet breastfeeding.

Conversational high-fives. Sooo 1989.

People who demand an overabundance of political correctness, such as, "Don't say drive STRAIGHT through the light. That's offensive. It's drive FORWARD through the light." .... HUH?!

Heavy breathing whilst chewing. Can't you sigh AFTER you swallow?!

People who honestly believe that having a dog makes them a parent.

Grammatical murderers.

Chronic joint crackers. Knuckles, neck, toes... See a chiro already!

The lady that licks her finger to turn the pages of a magazine in a public office.

Celebrities who are loud and pushy about their political views.

Fat girls with mid drift, skinny girls in circus tents... Buy clothes that fit!

When I'm taking a group photo and some random clownsmack pushes into the background with his rock fist and his tongue out. Idiot.


Yes boys and girls, Melain is on the brink of either a screaming tantrum, or a 30 minute fit of hysterical laughter. I'm leaning toward the latter. Wanna join me?
What's YOUR biggest Pet Peeve?