A Cautionary Tale for the Excessively Vain

Considering my sizable vanity, I'm shockingly unconcerned about aging.  Don't get me wrong, I'm planning on putting up a fight.  But I'll do it naturally and gracefully.  That's always been my attitude, and is still the plan.  Even though, this year, the skin around my eyes got the memo that I'm now in my 30's, and has since started seriously slacking.  Honestly, not a huge deal.  But it has brought something to light that wasn't so obvious before.

My eyes are each completely different shapes and sizes.  No, seriously.  My left eye is bigger and rounder, while my right eye is smaller and more almond shaped.  It's BAD!  And it gets worse every week it seems!  The first few times I noticed it, I thought it was a fluke.  But  it's getting to the point where I almost don't even like seeing pictures of myself.  We certainly can't have THAT now CAN WE!

So I started analyzing why my face would be aging this way.  And after about 4 hours of staring at myself in the mirror, it hit me!  When I was very young, I realized I could lift my left eyebrow.  I thought it was the coolest thing ever, so I worked the 'one raised eyebrow' into my repertoire of expressions.  I've been doing it for years.  I don't really think about the face muscles much.  But really, every time you pull a face, you're working a muscle.  What do you think would happen if every day you lifted weights with your left arm, and never with your right.  You see where I'm going with this?

I immediately began a daily brow flexing regimen.  I stared in that mirror and willed my right eyebrow up.  mmmnnnngggggrrrrrrr.... rrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhrrrrrahaahahaaaaaa!!!!

NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  It's like the muscles don't exist!  I saw my face 40 years from now, the right side all old and shriveled, and completely buried under folds of skin.  Then the left?  ALL EYEBALL, zipping around like the great eye of Sauron.

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

FLLLLEX!  FLLLLLEX!  I have been working on that eyebrow every chance I get, breaking a sweat standing there doing nothing but willing that darn muscle to work.  After a month of consistant brow flex time, it actually responded!  Shuddering up a fraction of an inch for a fraction of a second.  I fell to the ground in tears, thanking the maker for my second chance at graceful aging. 

Now I can raise my right eyebrow on cue, though I still have to hold my left one still in order to do it.  Strange I know, but hey.  It's a work in progress.  When the stakes are this high, I'll do what I have to. 

So kids, the moral of this story is simple.   Every face you pull is shaping the aged mask you will DIE in one day.  So smile easily, scowl with care, and FOR THE LOVE  ... do it on BOTH sides of your face!

Status Report

Hey there Stranger.

Remember me?


How's that for an ice breaker!



You know you need to reprioritize your schedule when you find a block of VELVEETA CHEESE in your fridge that has gone bad! VELVEETA! The cockroach of cheese! I actually managed to kill it! I didn't even know that was possible.

Another sure sign of over scheduling is when you love to write, but haven't done so in MONTHS. I have had the most incredibly eventful year, and all of it is blogable. But my time constraints have forced me to take what used to be a lovely, provocative, 4-6 paragraph blog post, and condense it into a one-sentence status update on Facebook. I don't even know where to begin bringing you guys up to speed, so I'll just deliver the highlights Facebook Style: One sentence per topic.


I started painting with a wonderful artist who is mentoring me through my first art series on canvas.

I lost all my extra pounds and, according to my Doctor, I am now my ideal weight!

I flew out to a singer's/ songwriter's workshop, recorded a song in a gorgeous studio, and had some very positive feedback from a Simon Cowell Type producer & writer.

My baby boy started Kindergarten!

Business is BAD BAD BAD and I HATE this EFFING recession.

I'm taking piano lessons in an effort to learn to play chords and write basic accompaniment for the songs I've written.

I tossed my whole life upside down when I decided, on a whim of course, to paint my living room, entry way, hall way, stairwell, salon, guest bath, upstairs hallway and my kids' bathroom ALL IN ONE WEEK.

I have reignited my passionate love affair with old leather-bound books.

My favorite little brother got to come stay with me during his brief L-o-A from the Army.

My favoritestest new BF is teaching me the ropes of couponing, and my eyes are being opened to the wonderful world of MAJOR SAVINGS!

I'm learning that excessive couponing and budget restriction makes me tremble and sweat like a junkie, and a frivolous SHOPPING SPREE is the only drug that kills my pain.

I went on a major spending spree and did some serious decorating in my house, which is looking more and more like ME with every passing $$$.

I saw Wicked for the first time, (LOVED IT!) and it's been playing in my head ever since.

While our boys were on a campout, Shiney and I got up at 5 am for a girls trip to the San Juan Islands... and then I proceeded to LOCK US OUT OF THE HOUSE with no coats, no food, no money, no car keys - until the boys got home that afternoon.

I had a pregnancy scare that lasted just one morning, which is good because I was moments from tampering with my own brakes and taking a drive up Mount Rainier.

I got an I Phone!

I realized on an entirely new level that I am really really bad at not getting what I want.

I discovered a box of craft items in my garage, and within a week I had over a dozen Suburban Housewife Secrets revealed to me from a variety of sources. Coincidence? I think NOT! Everyone knows crafting is a Housewife qualifier! I just broke my "one sentence per topic" rule.

I have become completely focused (well... as focused as a scattered arteest can be) on getting my life organized, and MUCH has been affected by this effort.

Jonathan decided he could be a carpenter if he wanted to, so he BOUGHT ALL THE POWER TOOLS (do you hear the pain?) and he BUILT ME A MUD ROOM!!! (do you hear the bliss?!)

A few honest conversations and some zany adventures have brought my relationship with my BFFF to new heights of awesomeness. I LOVE YOU K-RATED!

I recieved a hilarious blog award from Beth of Living a Quotable Life, which guilted me into writing again, even though I only have time to do it in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping.

"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the Zombie Chicken-- excellence, grace, and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all."

I choose:

Christie, who is undoubtedly one of my favorite things.
Debi, who reigns supreme as the Master of Artful Wordsmithing.
Melissa, who's charm and humor absolutely endear her to all readers.
Vicki, who's unique "Seriously" series has me giggling every time.
Kristen, who's smart, funny movie reviews have me hanging on every word.

Congratulations bloggers!  Keep up the good work.