Destination: SHIRTLESS

The whole weekend got off to strange and rocky beginnings. I didn't even get out my front door until after 8:00pm; four hours later than my original plan. And, unbeknownst to me, my directions were missing the last two lines. I could seriously get lost in a funeral procession, so this is devastating news for me in particular. I spent AN HOUR slowly pacing that narrow country road and scattering cranky texts and voice messages to my peeps. No responses. No light from heaven illuminating the way. None of my usual saving graces. I was lurching along from house to house, breathing deeply and erratically, when the car behind me flashed its brights in irritation. I politely rolled my car to the shoulder of the road... and right into a ditch.

sscraaaape CLUNK.

I might have cursed.

A few times.

Loudly.

Whilst beating the steering wheel with my forehead.

I was beginning to suspect that no amount of screaming and spinning my tires in the air would get me back on the road when a man stepped out of the wooded property right across the street from the scene of my shame. A handsome guy in his mid twenties with abs that could scrub red stains out of a white cotton skirt. I know this because the man was shirtless. And tan. And glistening with a light sweat. WHY he was shirtless and sweating in his yard at 9:00 in the evening is a mystery to me and I have no desire to solve it, so keep your guesses to yourself thankyouverymuch. All I know is it was the perfect pick-me-up in my moment of emotional crisis.

 

"Hi there." he said with a roguish grin. "Need a little help out here?"
I flashed my big-eyed Damsel smile and replied, "I'll need help at some point, but this is definitely not a one man job."

He moseyed (yes... moseyed) over to check out the damage, threw me a cocky little smirk and asked me to wait as he disappeared back into his property. I obeyed, hoping this guy had the muscle to match his brag as I REALLY didn't fancy the headache of getting a tow truck.

Seconds later he reappeared, flanked by two more yummy 20 something guys. I leaned back in my chair and felt my eyelids get heavy as my eyebrows involuntarily raised to my hairline. My mood was dramatically improving.

They put their backs into it as I revved along for a few minutes with no results. I was on the verge of suggesting that maybe they would be more successful if they ALL took their shirts off when a passing car rolled to a stop beside us.  Another twenty-something man with a flawlessly symmetrical face leaned out the window and said, "You guys need an extra hand?" I piped right in and invited him to join the manpower party.

He got out of his car and took a few steps in my direction. Then everything seemed to go into slow motion as he crossed his arms at the waist...    lifted his shirt.... and pulled it over his head.   It was like a scene out of New Moon! At this point I was trying not to laugh. I started looking around for someone... ANYONE... who might be seeing this too.  As he put his shoulder on my hood and they counted down to the push, I tried discretely digging around for my camera. Words would never do it justice.

Another minute of rocking and revving got me safely on the pavement. I cheered my gratitude as they strutted proudly to my window. He suggested my transmission might be damaged and offered to follow me to where ever I was going.
Nice.
I passed on the extra protection and bid them all a wonderful evening.

That stimulating adventure must have sharpened my senses because as I drove down that same road I spotted some sad little balloons drooping from an unlit mailbox next to a gravel road. THIS MUST BE IT: The location of our second annual Women's Retreat.  I had spent the last year happily anticipating this event and expecting the kind of low key, relaxing experience one might read about in Senior Living.
So far… not so much.

As I pulled up to the house, people started blowing up my phone in response to my outdated cries for help. I ignored them with a smirk, stepped into the party and said, "You'll never believe what just happened to me."

The evening with the girls was quiet and uneventful. I laid in a hammock under the stars, shared a few secrets with my bestie, Rachel, and retired to a tent by a babbling brook. We fell asleep giggling and woke up smiling. I spent an hour practicing yoga in the morning sunlight before the rest of the camp was up. I felt rested and ready for some action!



Only seven of us ladies were brave enough to clear our schedules for the big event planned that day: tubing down the Cedar River. I used to go tubing all the time as a kid and haven't since. I COULD NOT WAIT.

It was perfect weather for it. Not a cloud in the sky, over 80 degrees, light breeze... The only downer was the news that it was now illegal to tube the river without a life jacket. SERIOUSLY? It's TWO FEET DEEP! I don't want life jacket tan lines! I strapped the cursed thing on, plopped into my tube, and the neck of the life jacket slid up to my ears as the side holes cut off all circulation to my arms. SAFETY SUCKS. None of us were particularly happy about it. Our whining paid off when a fellow floater told us that cops weren't allowed to issue anything but a warning until they had signs posted along the river. He hadn't even finished his sentence before I had converted my life jacket into a throw pillow for my tube.

We bobbed along with careless perma-grins on our faces as the names of our children faded quietly to the back of our minds. Occasionally someone would sporadically yell things like, "NO BODY NEEDS ME RIGHT NOW!" or "I CAN ACTUALLY CLOSE MY EYES WITHOUT FEAR!" All quite liberating realizations for a mother.

In my state of recumbent bliss, I didn't notice that the river had begun to narrow and the pace of the rapids had quickened.  Just ahead of me, I heard a strangled squawk.  I lurched my tube around just on time to witness my friend Amy being EATEN by a TREE along the side of the river.  Before I had time to process the visual, my tube was sucked into the same current that had sealed her fate.  I scrambled for my guide stick, but it was too late.  The branches were on top of me; clawing at my face and shoulders like an Ent on a Ork.  I covered my face protectively and ducked for cover.  That little move cost me my stability and, without so much as a warning shudder, my tube flipped me face first into the icy cold water.

The river at this point was about waist deep and moving very fast.  When my feet found the floor I surfaced for air.  Extremely disoriented, it took a moment for my eyes to focus on the item floating along in front of me. 

Ya.  It was my bikini top.
Those damn tree branches had torn it right off my body.

I pounced on that thing like a hungry crocodile and slung it around my neck for safe keeping. The current was WAY too fast for me to stand up without holding my arms out for balance.  Unless I wanted to be dragged along those rocks until the current slowed, I was going to have to star in a riverside peep show.  I was about to raise the curtain for it, so to speak, when something caught my eye.  There, on the riverbank beside me, stood 4 or 5 twenty something guys.  Drinking beer.  Watching me.  Shirtless.  With little smirks on their faces.

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME.

30 feet or so ahead of me, my friend Amy watched with concern as I continued to bounce along, gasping and gulping for air, water at chin level.

"WHY don't you STAND UP!"  Amy shouted.

All I could manage was a feeble waving of my bikini top necklace.  It took a few seconds for her to connect the dots.  Then a light went on in her eyes and, like any good friend, she threw her head back, pointed and laughed.

Even in my current state, shins badly bruised, gashed and bleeding, pride in pretty much the same condition, I was laughing too.  And those guys?  They were WALKING ALONG THE BANK BESIDE ME.  Just watching and waiting.  They knew I'd have to stand up eventually.  psht.  MEN.

The current dragged me all the way to Amy, who was laughing so hard she could barely maintain her balance.  She helped me stand so I could keep my hands where my top should have been.  As the rest of our group arrived on the scene and realized what had happened, they each, in turn, began pointing and laughing.  Nothing like a little public nudity to seal the bonds of friendship.

All in all, it was a fantastic weekend.  The tubing for sure was one of the highlights of my summer.  I can't wait to go again.  But I do believe that next time I will obey the laws of our land and wear a friggin life jacket!