nurturing narcissism

Destination: SHIRTLESS

2011-06-12T10:38:00.001-07:00

The whole weekend got off to strange and rocky beginnings. I didn't even get out my front door until after 8:00pm; four hours later than my original plan. And, unbeknownst to me, my directions were missing the last two lines. I could seriously get lost in a funeral procession, so this is devastating news for me in particular. I spent AN HOUR slowly pacing that narrow country road and scattering cranky texts and voice messages to my peeps. No responses. No light from heaven illuminating the way. None of my usual saving graces. I was lurching along from house to house, breathing deeply and erratically, when the car behind me flashed its brights in irritation. I politely rolled my car to the shoulder of the road... and right into a ditch.

sscraaaape CLUNK.

I might have cursed.

A few times.

Loudly.

Whilst beating the steering wheel with my forehead.

I was beginning to suspect that no amount of screaming and spinning my tires in the air would get me back on the road when a man stepped out of the wooded property right across the street from the scene of my shame. A handsome guy in his mid twenties with abs that could scrub red stains out of a white cotton skirt. I know this because the man was shirtless. And tan. And glistening with a light sweat. WHY he was shirtless and sweating in his yard at 9:00 in the evening is a mystery to me and I have no desire to solve it, so keep your guesses to yourself thankyouverymuch. All I know is it was the perfect pick-me-up in my moment of emotional crisis.

"Hi there." he said with a roguish grin. "Need a little help out here?"
I flashed my big-eyed Damsel smile and replied, "I'll need help at some point, but this is definitely not a one man job."

He moseyed (yes... moseyed) over to check out the damage, threw me a cocky little smirk and asked me to wait as he disappeared back into his property. I obeyed, hoping this guy had the muscle to match his brag as I REALLY didn't fancy the headache of getting a tow truck.

Seconds later he reappeared, flanked by two more yummy 20 something guys. I leaned back in my chair and felt my eyelids get heavy as my eyebrows involuntarily raised to my hairline. My mood was dramatically improving.

They put their backs into it as I revved along for a few minutes with no results. I was on the verge of suggesting that maybe they would be more successful if they ALL took their shirts off when a passing car rolled to a stop beside us. Another twenty-something man with a flawlessly symmetrical face leaned out the window and said, "You guys need an extra hand?" I piped right in and invited him to join the manpower party.

He got out of his car and took a few steps in my direction. Then everything seemed to go into slow motion as he crossed his arms at the waist... lifted his shirt.... and pulled it over his head. It was like a scene out of New Moon! At this point I was trying not to laugh. I started looking around for someone... ANYONE... who might be seeing this too. As he put his shoulder on my hood and they counted down to the push, I tried discretely digging around for my camera. Words would never do it justice.

Another minute of rocking and revving got me safely on the pavement. I cheered my gratitude as they strutted proudly to my window. He suggested my transmission might be damaged and offered to follow me to where ever I was going.
Nice.
I passed on the extra protection and bid them all a wonderful evening.

That stimulating adventure must have sharpened my senses because as I drove down that same road I spotted some sad little balloons drooping from an unlit mailbox next to a gravel road. THIS MUST BE IT: The location of our second annual Women's Retreat. I had spent the last year happily anticipating this event and expecting the kind of low key, relaxing experience one might read about in Senior Living.
So far… not so much.

As I pulled up to the house, people started blowing up my phone in response to my outdated cries for help. I ignored them with a smirk, stepped into the party and said, "You'll never believe what just happened to me."

The evening with the girls was quiet and uneventful. I laid in a hammock under the stars, shared a few secrets with my bestie, Rachel, and retired to a tent by a babbling brook. We fell asleep giggling and woke up smiling. I spent an hour practicing yoga in the morning sunlight before the rest of the camp was up. I felt rested and ready for some action!

Only seven of us ladies were brave enough to clear our schedules for the big event planned that day: tubing down the Cedar River. I used to go tubing all the time as a kid and haven't since. I COULD NOT WAIT.

It was perfect weather for it. Not a cloud in the sky, over 80 degrees, light breeze... The only downer was the news that it was now illegal to tube the river without a life jacket. SERIOUSLY? It's TWO FEET DEEP! I don't want life jacket tan lines! I strapped the cursed thing on, plopped into my tube, and the neck of the life jacket slid up to my ears as the side holes cut off all circulation to my arms. SAFETY SUCKS. None of us were particularly happy about it. Our whining paid off when a fellow floater told us that cops weren't allowed to issue anything but a warning until they had signs posted along the river. He hadn't even finished his sentence before I had converted my life jacket into a throw pillow for my tube.

We bobbed along with careless perma-grins on our faces as the names of our children faded quietly to the back of our minds. Occasionally someone would sporadically yell things like, "NO BODY NEEDS ME RIGHT NOW!" or "I CAN ACTUALLY CLOSE MY EYES WITHOUT FEAR!" All quite liberating realizations for a mother.

In my state of recumbent bliss, I didn't notice that the river had begun to narrow and the pace of the rapids had quickened. Just ahead of me, I heard a strangled squawk. I lurched my tube around just on time to witness my friend Amy being EATEN by a TREE along the side of the river. Before I had time to process the visual, my tube was sucked into the same current that had sealed her fate. I scrambled for my guide stick, but it was too late. The branches were on top of me; clawing at my face and shoulders like an Ent on a Ork. I covered my face protectively and ducked for cover. That little move cost me my stability and, without so much as a warning shudder, my tube flipped me face first into the icy cold water.

The river at this point was about waist deep and moving very fast. When my feet found the floor I surfaced for air. Extremely disoriented, it took a moment for my eyes to focus on the item floating along in front of me.

Ya. It was my bikini top.
Those damn tree branches had torn it right off my body.

I pounced on that thing like a hungry crocodile and slung it around my neck for safe keeping. The current was WAY too fast for me to stand up without holding my arms out for balance. Unless I wanted to be dragged along those rocks until the current slowed, I was going to have to star in a riverside peep show. I was about to raise the curtain for it, so to speak, when something caught my eye. There, on the riverbank beside me, stood 4 or 5 twenty something guys. Drinking beer. Watching me. Shirtless. With little smirks on their faces.

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME.

30 feet or so ahead of me, my friend Amy watched with concern as I continued to bounce along, gasping and gulping for air, water at chin level.

"WHY don't you STAND UP!" Amy shouted.

All I could manage was a feeble waving of my bikini top necklace. It took a few seconds for her to connect the dots. Then a light went on in her eyes and, like any good friend, she threw her head back, pointed and laughed.

Even in my current state, shins badly bruised, gashed and bleeding, pride in pretty much the same condition, I was laughing too. And those guys? They were WALKING ALONG THE BANK BESIDE ME. Just watching and waiting. They knew I'd have to stand up eventually. psht. MEN.

The current dragged me all the way to Amy, who was laughing so hard she could barely maintain her balance. She helped me stand so I could keep my hands where my top should have been. As the rest of our group arrived on the scene and realized what had happened, they each, in turn, began pointing and laughing. Nothing like a little public nudity to seal the bonds of friendship.

All in all, it was a fantastic weekend. The tubing for sure was one of the highlights of my summer. I can't wait to go again. But I do believe that next time I will obey the laws of our land and wear a friggin life jacket!

Rock Creek Men

2011-02-20T22:23:00.000-08:00

My brilliant beloved was asked to put together a little entertainment for a party at my church. The point of the thing was for the men to dote on their women. They made us dinner and made us feel appreciated. Jonathan took that idea and got creative with it through this little video he threw together. I don't know if it's because we know everyone in the video, but it was a huge hit as far as I could tell. People were rolling in the isles. Another 100 points to my boy. Enjoy!

Husband

2011-02-18T11:45:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU for waffles on Saturday mornings.

THANK YOU for tireless I.T. support during projects that mean nothing to you,
but everything to me.

THANK YOU for movie quotes and late night treats.

THANK YOU for letting me have three quarters of the space in our master closet.

THANK YOU for encouraging me to excel
without feeling threatened, inadequate or resentful.

THANK YOU for loving my daughter and making her your own.

THANK YOU for long massages when I'm in pain, even though your wrists are aching too.

THANK YOU for walking past piles of laundry to smile, hug me tightly and say
"How was your day?"

THANK YOU for making fun of yourself.

THANK YOU for accepting that I'm always running late, and for liking me anyway.

THANK YOU for stepping up when I fall to pieces.

THANK YOU for having an opinion, and for letting me have mine.

THANK YOU for that adorable face you make when you're pretending to be cranky.

THANK YOU for giving me the space I needed to create myself,
even when it hurt you to do so.

THANK YOU for slightly irreverent whisperings and giggles in church.

THANK YOU for forcing us to talk about 'feelings' - even though that's not really our thing.

THANK YOU for showing my boys

every day

the right way to treat a woman.

THANK YOU for knowing not to wear black shoes with a brown belt.

THANK YOU for delighting in my wild side while still seeing and loving the tender girl within.

THANK YOU for dropping your stuff to come home early so I can go do my stuff.

THANK YOU for letting me heal you when you're sad and broken.

THANK YOU for countless hours spent building the beautiful playhouse in our back yard.

THANK YOU for silently hanging a fresh towel for me

every time I forget to grab one before I get in the shower.

THANK YOU for being my cheering section throughout my many pursuits.

THANK YOU for compliments and expressions of gratitude after every single meal I cook.

THANK YOU for forgiving me.

THANK YOU for trying to forgive yourself.

For eleven years of jokes, of tenderness, of growing pains, of patience, of loyalty... THANK YOU.

Happy Anniversary Bebe.
I love you.

Pressure

2011-01-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

He stands before the mindless minions as they chant their chorus:

                         "Jump.
                                      Jump!
                                                  Jump!"

The searing spotlight locks upon him. A new target. They push their collective will like a steady pulse with the force of a tidal wave. A blanket of shame intensifies the heat under his collar and mutes the warning protests in his head. The demon, Pride, lends his muscle to the fight, intent on mangling reason with derision.

Passing signs that clearly state --DANGER. ROCKS BELOW-- he draws closer to the jagged edge where he'd watched the others leap, one by one; a forced yell of defiance lingering in the empty space where they safely stood just moments ago. He peers down at the menacing water, its rocky depths unknown, and he finds a slow growing desire to be swallowed into that cold darkness, if only to find relief from the burning, blinding pressure of the spotlight.

That desire quickly becomes a decision that floods his mind like liquid Novocaine; numbing his conscience and paralysing his judgement. His eyes lose focus, his jaw goes slack, and stepping in tempo with his frantically racing heart, he breaks into an aggressive sprint and throws himself over the side.

The force that pulls him downward is an unbreakable law of nature. The thin fabric of the clothing that protects him pops angrily against his skin, mocking it's purpose. His helpless body cuts viciously through the air, which seems to thicken as he nears the ground.

The ground.

A reality so far from his mind when he chose to jump. A truth that just moments before had been merely an abstract possibility is now the only reality left to him. The end of life as he knows it.
The end of life...
The end...

Comedians on Helium

2010-12-30T07:26:00.000-08:00

The things that come out of these little mouths have me in absolute stitches on a regular basis. Throwing a few stitches your way...

Me: "Squeaks, what took you so long?"
  Squeaks: "I was be-carefuling, Mom!"

Monkey: "OH my GOSH Mom! You're shrinking like Great Grandma!"
  Me: "What makes you say that?"
Monkey: "Cuz when I was like 5 years old, I couldn't even wrap my arms all the way around you. NOW look!!!"

Squeaks: "What would you rather do: Tie your shoes forEVER? Or die."

Shiney: "My teacher said Mozart was a scruffy dwarf person who blamed God that he couldn't hear."
  Me: "Um, I'm not sure about all that."
Shiney: "Oh believe it Mom. My teacher is like FORTY years old. She's very, VERY wise."

Me: "Monkey, where are you going?"
  Monkey: "I don't know. But when I get there I'll send you a postcard."

Squeaks: "Mom, I can't think of a single thing you left out of this soup that could make it more disgusting."

Me: "We better make our plans for New Years Eve!"
  Shiney: "What! I thought New Years Eve was LAST year."

Me: "Is that the stuffed animal you made in school?"
  Monkey: "Yup. I named him Puffles. He's an evil vampire bunny."

*watching a Batman cartoon, as Bruce Wayne and Vicki Vale have their first kiss*
Squeaks: "GROSS! This is Batman! There's no true love in BATMAN?!! WHAT IS GOING ON?!!!"

Me: "Well what makes you think he'll make fun of you?"
  Shiney: *with DUH written on her face* "He's a BOY."

Me: "Those are all really good ideas, Monkey!"

Monkey: "Ya. I'm pretty much the smartest person I know."

Me: "That garbage truck has blocked us in and now we've missed your bus!"
Squeaks: "Ya. We missed it. It's the truck's fault." *then with a big smile* "This will be the first time we've missed the bus and it wasn't YOUR fault, Mommy!"

...and the punch lines get better every year. What are your little comedians saying these days?

Read My Lips

2010-12-26T22:54:00.000-08:00

Do you know someone that seems to turn heads wherever they go? The reason for this isn't immediately apparent. They just stand out. Attract attention. Well I'm that stand out person. It's not always a comfortable position to be in, but I'm used to it and rather enjoy the heat of the spotlight. A side effect of that kind of heat, however, is a pretty thick protective wall. I'm friendly, but rather slow to let my guard down.

When I started writing, I only knew one person who was into blogging. Pretty much all of my readers were random e-friends who didn't know me or have any access to my life. So feeling safe in my relative anonymity, I would just sit down and let it roll - unedited - right out into print.

In my new city, however, EVERYONE blogs. For some reason, mine spread like wildfire amongst the locals, giving me quite a bit of notoriety. I felt I was surrounded by like minded women who valued people on a level deeper than mere common interests, so I let my guard down and enjoyed the benefits of that attention.

But the sad fact remains; anyone who attracts attention can expect a mean-spirited backlash at some point. Last year that backlash hit me like a runaway dumpster. Normally, something like that would just roll off of me. But then normally, I have my guard up. This time it really affected me and I could no longer find a shred of motivation to publish my writing.

Blah blah blah. Whine whine whine. I'm done hiding out. All the creative energy that I used to spend on here has been exploding into other areas of my life. It's left me with more writing material then I'll ever be able to use. I've got to get it out! If you speak Tongue in Cheek, feel free to peek in on me now and then. If you DON'T speak Tongue in Cheek, hear this now:

I'M EFFING KIDDING!!!

I am not narcissistic. I don't think I'm stunning or superior or anything overtly important. But I am, and have always been happy with myself as I evolve. Skinny or fat, blonde or brunette, put together or falling apart;
I am flawed AND I am fabulous! Just like you. Embrace it with me!
Then we can all just get along.

and now... A Downer.

2009-11-06T13:32:00.000-08:00

It courses through my mind like a Hindi Mantra.

Be fashionable, but live simply.

Stop and smell the roses, but always be on time.

Be dependable, but learn to say no.

Pamper yourself, but put the kids first.

Be consistant and flexible.

Pray with him. Pray with them.

Pray alone. Then pray again.

Keep the kids groomed. Support local business.

Dote on your husband. Keep your home spotless.

Develop your talents. Be a school volunteer.

Be politically active. Build your career.

Decorate. Meditate.

Excercise. Moisturize.

Clip coupons. Read for pleasure.

Take up new hobbies. Be a good neighbor.

Do community service. Landscape your yard.

Plan family outings. Send thank you cards.

Get a degree, then go get another.

Nurture your friendships and visit your mother.

And somehow still find the time to study your religion, sleep 7-8 hours a night, eat 5-6 small meals a day, stay culturally informed, force your kids through chores and homework, put away all the laundry before it gets cold, write in a journal, and keep the championship ring for Amant Sensationnel.

It's ridiculous how many things I left OFF of this list.

HOW.
Can someone please tell me?

HOW is this done? How am I going to survive it? I think I'm slowly going mad. I hardly sleep anymore. I rarely sit to eat. I'm more organized now than I've ever been in my life, and I'm still losing things, forgetting things and running chronically 20 minutes late, which is SO frustrating! I have pages and pages of 'To Do' lists. I'll check one thing off the top as I add three things to the bottom.

I know this is the most unoriginal complaint in American culture. I know that the solution is to prioritize. But putting them in order of importance absolutely assures that the things on the bottom will never actually reach my life. There literally are not enough hours in a day to do it all! So WHAT gets left out? My home? My body? My mind? My family? My community? I'm really not OK skipping any of that!

Am I demanding too much of myself, or is this how it's supposed to be? Do men face the same kinds of challenges? Is there anyone out there who has figured out how to pace themselves to manage the weight of it all?

Someone please save me from drowning in this pile of To Do.

A Cautionary Tale for the Excessively Vain

2009-10-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

Considering my sizable vanity, I'm shockingly unconcerned about aging. Don't get me wrong, I'm planning on putting up a fight. But I'll do it naturally and gracefully. That's always been my attitude, and is still the plan. Even though, this year, the skin around my eyes got the memo that I'm now in my 30's, and has since started seriously slacking. Honestly, not a huge deal. But it has brought something to light that wasn't so obvious before.

My eyes are each completely different shapes and sizes. No, seriously. My left eye is bigger and rounder, while my right eye is smaller and more almond shaped. It's BAD! And it gets worse every week it seems! The first few times I noticed it, I thought it was a fluke. But it's getting to the point where I almost don't even like seeing pictures of myself. We certainly can't have THAT now CAN WE!

So I started analyzing why my face would be aging this way. And after about 4 hours of staring at myself in the mirror, it hit me! When I was very young, I realized I could lift my left eyebrow. I thought it was the coolest thing ever, so I worked the 'one raised eyebrow' into my repertoire of expressions. I've been doing it for years. I don't really think about the face muscles much. But really, every time you pull a face, you're working a muscle. What do you think would happen if every day you lifted weights with your left arm, and never with your right. You see where I'm going with this?

I immediately began a daily brow flexing regimen. I stared in that mirror and willed my right eyebrow up. mmmnnnngggggrrrrrrr.... rrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhrrrrrahaahahaaaaaa!!!!

NOT GONNA HAPPEN. It's like the muscles don't exist! I saw my face 40 years from now, the right side all old and shriveled, and completely buried under folds of skin. Then the left? ALL EYEBALL, zipping around like the great eye of Sauron.

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

FLLLLEX! FLLLLLEX! I have been working on that eyebrow every chance I get, breaking a sweat standing there doing nothing but willing that darn muscle to work. After a month of consistant brow flex time, it actually responded! Shuddering up a fraction of an inch for a fraction of a second. I fell to the ground in tears, thanking the maker for my second chance at graceful aging.

Now I can raise my right eyebrow on cue, though I still have to hold my left one still in order to do it. Strange I know, but hey. It's a work in progress. When the stakes are this high, I'll do what I have to.

So kids, the moral of this story is simple. Every face you pull is shaping the aged mask you will DIE in one day. So smile easily, scowl with care, and FOR THE LOVE ... do it on BOTH sides of your face!

Status Report

2009-10-03T03:49:00.000-07:00

Hey there Stranger.

Remember me?

How's that for an ice breaker!

You know you need to reprioritize your schedule when you find a block of VELVEETA CHEESE in your fridge that has gone bad! VELVEETA! The cockroach of cheese! I actually managed to kill it! I didn't even know that was possible.

Another sure sign of over scheduling is when you love to write, but haven't done so in MONTHS. I have had the most incredibly eventful year, and all of it is blogable. But my time constraints have forced me to take what used to be a lovely, provocative, 4-6 paragraph blog post, and condense it into a one-sentence status update on Facebook. I don't even know where to begin bringing you guys up to speed, so I'll just deliver the highlights Facebook Style: One sentence per topic.

I started painting with a wonderful artist who is mentoring me through my first art series on canvas.

I lost all my extra pounds and, according to my Doctor, I am now my ideal weight!

I flew out to a singer's/ songwriter's workshop, recorded a song in a gorgeous studio, and had some very positive feedback from a Simon Cowell Type producer & writer.

My baby boy started Kindergarten!

Business is BAD BAD BAD and I HATE this EFFING recession.

I'm taking piano lessons in an effort to learn to play chords and write basic accompaniment for the songs I've written.

I tossed my whole life upside down when I decided, on a whim of course, to paint my living room, entry way, hall way, stairwell, salon, guest bath, upstairs hallway and my kids' bathroom ALL IN ONE WEEK.

I have reignited my passionate love affair with old leather-bound books.

My favorite little brother got to come stay with me during his brief L-o-A from the Army.

My favoritestest new BF is teaching me the ropes of couponing, and my eyes are being opened to the wonderful world of MAJOR SAVINGS!

I'm learning that excessive couponing and budget restriction makes me tremble and sweat like a junkie, and a frivolous SHOPPING SPREE is the only drug that kills my pain.

I went on a major spending spree and did some serious decorating in my house, which is looking more and more like ME with every passing $$$.

I saw Wicked for the first time, (LOVED IT!) and it's been playing in my head ever since.

While our boys were on a campout, Shiney and I got up at 5 am for a girls trip to the San Juan Islands... and then I proceeded to LOCK US OUT OF THE HOUSE with no coats, no food, no money, no car keys - until the boys got home that afternoon.

I had a pregnancy scare that lasted just one morning, which is good because I was moments from tampering with my own brakes and taking a drive up Mount Rainier.

I got an I Phone!

I realized on an entirely new level that I am really really bad at not getting what I want.

I discovered a box of craft items in my garage, and within a week I had over a dozen Suburban Housewife Secrets revealed to me from a variety of sources. Coincidence? I think NOT! Everyone knows crafting is a Housewife qualifier! I just broke my "one sentence per topic" rule.

I have become completely focused (well... as focused as a scattered arteest can be) on getting my life organized, and MUCH has been affected by this effort.

Jonathan decided he could be a carpenter if he wanted to, so he BOUGHT ALL THE POWER TOOLS (do you hear the pain?) and he BUILT ME A MUD ROOM!!! (do you hear the bliss?!)

A few honest conversations and some zany adventures have brought my relationship with my BFFF to new heights of awesomeness. I LOVE YOU K-RATED!

I recieved a hilarious blog award from Beth of Living a Quotable Life, which guilted me into writing again, even though I only have time to do it in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping.

"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the Zombie Chicken-- excellence, grace, and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all."

I choose:

Christie, who is undoubtedly one of my favorite things.
Debi, who reigns supreme as the Master of Artful Wordsmithing.
Melissa, who's charm and humor absolutely endear her to all readers.
Vicki, who's unique "Seriously" series has me giggling every time.
Kristen, who's smart, funny movie reviews have me hanging on every word.

Congratulations bloggers! Keep up the good work.

Summer

2009-07-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

Generous columns of silvery morning sunlight flood through my sheer bedroom curtains. My silent alarm clock.

Inhale until my vision goes dark. Stretch until I have to exhale. Every muscle is relaxed. I hear screams of injustice followed by peels of laughter coming from downstairs. I smile, roll onto my side, and pray.

Another summer morning.

The invigorating, repetitive motion of a light jog. Proud warrior, downward dog, child's pose. I am strong.

Outside, indulging thirsty plants with fat drops of icy cold water from the garden hose. The soil darkens, the plants sigh. I love that smell.

Happy, sun browned faces bounce through the house, leaving a trail of grass blades and sidewalk chalk. Juice rings on the counter, finger smudges on the glass door, the lawn mower chokes on another popsicle stick.

The crisp sound of linen being spread out over grass. PB & J. Grapes and graham crackers. We loudly display our vocabulary of silly words. Our population swells and contracts as swarms of neighbor kids ping pong between houses. Blanket forts and bicycles. Water guns and freeze tag. A dining room table buried under a thick spread of crayon art and watercolor paintings.

Short shorts and hot car seats. Windows down, music up, "MOM! Can we go to DQ? MOM! Can we listen to Let It Rock again? MOM! Can we go to the beach today? MOM! MOM! MOM!"

The smell of barbecue outside. The front door opens, three little feets pounding down the stairs, cheers and chants of "DADDY!" Some one's about to be tickled, that's for sure. Strong arms around me. Warm sweet kisses in the airy, sunlit kitchen.

Bath time. Sweaty hair and bright white bottoms. More bubbles than water. Infectious Littleboy Giggles. A gritty layer of sand on the tub floor. The light outside turns to violet gold.

Open windows fill the house with a cool evening breeze. Shiny clean faces and minty fresh baby breath. We sit in piles of blankets and read our favorite books. All is finally quiet. He looks at me with a slow smile. The night is still young...

I wish for an endless summer.

Do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?

2009-06-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for a goood hair stylist. God KNOWS they're hard to find. I've been doing my own hair pretty much all year, but every now and then I have to put myself in someone else's hands.

I went to a nice guy in a local salon. Aside from the fact that I asked for a trim and lost over 2 inches, I felt pretty good about it when I left. It was even from the front and the layers were swinging the way they were supposed to. I should have looked more closely.

Now granted, this is a hard haircut. It's not enough to make it even in the front. The length has to be perfectly symmetrical on both sides all the way around. And THIS cut? My left side was shorter and curved up, while the right side hung quite a bit longer and curved down. I can't believe I missed it! I can't believe I couldn't FEEL it!!! LOOK AT THAT!!!

How did this guy let me leave his chair?! Did he think I wouldn't notice? Or did he himself not notice?! When I pull up the sides you can see how drastically the length differs from one side to the other. Those pieces by my shoulders should be the same length. Yikes.

I just barely had time to sqeeze that haircut into my schedule as it was. I didn't have any time to go back! It looks like I'll be doing it myself. AGAIN. So I dragged my hat stand to the middle of the room, hung a small mirror on it so I could see the back, and fixed the stupid perimeter my dang self. Then I had to reshape all the layers on that side to match the new length. There's no haircut harder than one you have to do upside down and backwards on your own head!

It actually looks really cute now. I get a lot of compliments on it. No thanks to Edward Scissorhands over there. Way to go dude.

I can't even remember the last time I got a haircut or color that I didn't have to come home and fix. I'm pretty much used to it by now. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the skills to make it right. The whole thing got me thinking. What do ordinary citizens do when they're given a bad haircut? Do you drop everything and go back to get it fixed? Are you scared to go back to the person who screwed it up? I know I wasn't too keen on going back, even if I'd HAD the time. Have any of you ever gotten a perfect haircut? Or do you just learn to deal with whatever you get. As a stylist, I'm very interested in some feedback on this.

Photoshoot 2009

2009-06-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

As I've been advertising my salon and auditioning for gigs, I've realized that I needed a good head shot of myself with my current look. The pictures that my sister in law took of me last summer no longer look anything like me! So I asked the amazing Daina Crowell of Rahne Drop Photography to use her camera magic on me.

I wanted the photo to create a strong impression without crossing the line to "in your face". It had to look professional, but I did NOT want to look like a Real Estate Agent. After all, I work in entertainment and beauty! One look is all people need to judge my competence in either industry. So they had to be a little bit flashy, but it needed to look effortless. I had to fully display my confidence, without coming off as aloof or uninviting. The ultimate goal was to portray me as a mature, professional woman with strong flavors of glamour, of warmth, and with an aftertaste of sensuality. Not an easy gig, my friends.

Daina seemed excited for the challenge. She brought an assistant along for my shoot and took about 300 pictures of my mug one Thursday night. THREE HUNDRED. Thank God for digital.

She had a little trouble narrowing it down, so she broke with protocol and had me come over to weed through them with her. There were a lot of fantastic shots, but these are my top 10 favorites. They're all so different, it's hard to believe they're taken seconds apart! I'll be able to mix and match them throughout my web site, my fliers, and any gigs I have come up.

So, which of these do you think fits all of my photo qualifications? Didn't Daina do an amazing job? I put a pretty tall order in front of her and she delivered it HOT. I highly recommend her to anyone who needs great professional photos.

From the Mouths of MY Babes

2009-06-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

Never a dull moment with 3 kids! OK, well actually there are a LOT of dull moments. But these spicy little morsels keep things interesting.

*Driving past six flashing cop cars parked behind one truck*

Monkey: "I wonder what that guy did!"

Shiney: "Probably littered or killed somebody."

*While I'm unloading groceries*

Squeaks: "Mom, can I have my air?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Squeaks: "Dad said he got me some air from the candy isle."

Shiney: "OK. You need to go fix your hair because I can't concentrate when you look like that."

Monkey: *rolls eyes* "You sound like Mom in church." (oopsies)

*pointed at a man right next to us on the street and shouted...*

Squeaks: "Oh NO! He's smoking! He's going to DIE!!!"

Monkey: "I can run as fast as a bicycle."

Squeaks: "I can run as fast as I can!"

*Hiding under a blanket during a loud thunder storm*

Monkey: "This would be SO cool. If it weren't so NOT cool."

*Listening to a recorded track of me singing*

Shiney: "You know, if I listen to it long enough, it doesn't sound like you. It sounds like a really good singer."

Squeaks: ♪"It's raining, it's pouring, it's whoring, it's snoring".♪

Random Friend: "Why did you HIT me dude! I didn't DO anything!!!"

Monkey: "YES you did, you were BREATHING REALLY LOUD!"

Me: "Why are you the sweetest little boy in the whole wide world."

Squeaks: "Because that's what I WANT to be Mommy."

*When I'm just out of the shower in ugly sweats and frizzy hair*

Monkey: "Mom? If you just stayed like this, would you lose all your clients?"

IF NOTHING ELSE, THEY KEEP ME HUMBLE. What are YOUR babies saying these days?

Why Perfectionists Shouldn't Do Yardwork

2009-06-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

I think poor Jonathan might be coming upon The Change for men or something, because lately he's been having trouble sleeping. You know why? Because he can't stop THINKING. Never before has he experience the burden of being plagued by unsolicited thoughts. Welcome to MY life dude.

He wrote a huge list of things to get done so he can stop thinking about them all the time and start sleeping again. At first this was strangely satisfying, but now I just feel TERRIBLE for the guy. He's away from home for 11 hours a day and literally doesn't have the time for these kinds of projects. It's not fair that they should be troubling him to the point of insomnia. So on Saturday I sent him out golfing with a friend all day, and set out to eliminate as much of his list as I could before he got home.

I started with some major weeding, which I don't think has been done since last summer. That took most of the morning. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the process! There's something very soothing about having my hands in all that dirt. Maybe I should run for public office.

After the weeding I mowed the lawn, which I haven't done since I was about 14 years old. Shiney had to show me how to work the lawn mower. Embarrassing. Then I thatched the grass. My poor aching back! I was ready to be done at that point, but on the way inside I spotted a plant that I have HATED with the burning fire of a thousand suns since the day I first saw it in my yard. I decided I was done ignoring it, grabbed a little garden spade, dug it out and tossed it in the bin! Dusting my hands off, I looked up and saw a big plant too close to my driveway that has been annoying me for months. So I drew my little spade like a Samurai sword and started digging a hole for it on the other side of the yard.

As I dug, I kept running into some majorly big rocks. I didn't want them crowding in on my plant, impeding it's growth, so my mission was to remove them. Every time I thought to myself, "This is the LAST one and then I'll plant the thing and be done," I would see another rock behind that last one. "OK, just one more..." This went on for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. Apparently, there are SUPPOSED to be rocks in the ground. But my perfectionism wouldn't leave it alone. I wanted pure POTTING soil around my plant, and I was going to put that soil through a sieve to get it! Finally my neighbor staged an intervention. She came out and said, "Melain! Enough is enough! Get OUT of that HOLE!" I looked around at the now bathtub sized hole in the ground and humbly complied. She helped me get the plant in there and fill it back in with my lovely, rockless soil. "I stood in the rain and spent 5 minutes moving one of my plants last week," she laughed as she shook her head at my craziness.

I came away from the experience with a nasty farmers-tan sunburn, hands and forearms that looked like they'd spent the day with a masochistic acupuncturist, an ache in muscles that I didn't know existed, and a husband who finally got a good night's sleep. That last one made it all worth it.

Five Amazing Days

2009-05-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

All was ready. The freezer was full of frozen pizza and chicken nuggets, the pantry was stocked with a variety of cold cereal and brainless pasta dishes. That is the only way my kids will get anything to eat over the next 5 days.

I was meeting my sister in law (one of my favorite people in the world) in Utah for the BYU Women's Conference. It would be our first time going and I was excited about all the education. But I'll admit, the spring in my step was coming from the company I would be keeping in the next few days.

I could hear the echos of Jill's infections laugh in my mind as Jonathan drove me to the airport. That little premonition was bringing a surge of giddy anticipation that made my knee start furiously pumping up and down, and my shoulders slowly creep up to my earlobes.

I got a little emotional at the airport curbside as my beautiful husband took me in his arms and covered my face in slow, gentle kisses. I looked up into his amazing blue eyes as he cupped my cheeks and said,

"Remember... Focus on the message. Not on the hair."

As confirmed by the previous post, this man knows me well.

I arrived in Salk Lake City and was greeted by a large, bright sphere in the sky which, if my memory serves me, is called THE SUN.

My Jill pulled up in a borrowed car with a huge smile on her pretty face. Our first order of business was to visit some friends of hers and to fix her haircut, which wasn't nearly cool enough for a girl like Jill. And if she was going to be in pictures with me all weekend, I thought it best to take care of that little update right away. While I was at it, I fixed up her best friend Susan's hair too. Then we then drove down to Provo where we would be staying with my friend Sami for the duration of the conference. Sami also scored a haircut out of that deal. I'm just the little Hair Fairy, sprinkling superfab haircuts everywhere I go.

I sorta sprung our visit on Sami at the last minute so she had some commitments that night and had to leave us alone in her place for a few hours. I suppose it was natural for her to assume that because we are both thirty something family women that we would behave while she was gone. But when Jill and I get together it's like two 14 year olds at a sleepover. We got so loud, I'm surprised a neighbor didn't call the cops.

Jill had the brilliant idea that we should learn the dance from Beyonce's video, "All The Single Ladies" which is the most retarded video EVER... until you start dancing along! We probably did that dance fifteen times, laughing harder and harder with each take until the final run through was spent mostly on the floor in hysterics. For the next couple of hours we learned the dances from a dozen different videos, from M.J.'s Thriller to Britney's Hit Me Baby One More Time. Sami and her mom Michelle got home on time to capture our All The Single Ladies routine on film. I can't ever look at these pictures without cracking up. Though I still maintain that we looked exactly like Beyonce and her backups, even in our pj's and heels. Click on that image so you can more closely examine our awesomeness.

After a VERY late night of unrestrained silliness, we got up ambitiously early and took a cab to the conference. The whole thing was NOT what I was expecting. I thought it would be like General Conference, but with less important, more interesting speakers. Jill must have thought the same thing. Why else would we have both worn high heels? HIGH HEELS. We had to walk to classes all over campus, all day long. My shoes were patent leather with pointed toes, worn with no socks. By 5pm, I had 8 small blisters and counting. I actually took a paper towel from the ladies room and shoved it in my shoe to provide some kind of buffer, but it wasn't much help at that point. Jill's maddsexy stiletto boots were causing all kinds of problems too. So we army-crawled across campus to the BYU bookstore and bought FLIP FLOPS. Good riddance, pretty shoes. I'm getting too old for that crap.

While I was in class, I focused on the message like a good little wifey. But all bets were off on the walk to and from. The hair... THE HAIR!!! What movies and magazines are these people exposing themselves to that makes them believe this is really OK?!!! I HAD to document some of my favorites. Poor Jill had to pose for many a faux picture so I could discretely capture someone standing behind her. I admit I'm glad for the entertaining (though slightly appalling) people watching. I needed something to distract me from my feet. The classes themselves ranged between life-changingly powerful and mind numbingly boring, but all in all it was an uplifting experience. I was changed for the better and my "bucket" was filled. Now all I had to do was stay different when I got home and and splash my bucket all over everyone I know. How hard can that be.

Saturday morning, Jill and I got up early and hit up a Zumba class that she used to frequent when she lived there. I haven't had that much fun working out since... well, maybe since that last night with Jonathan, but in PUBLIC I haven't had that much fun since NEVER! I'm absolutely dying to find a good Zumba class in my area so I can go every single week.

The rest of the weekend I spend with my Grandpa and my Aunt. They both have such a soothing presence and are a delight to talk with. I got enough quiet/ reflective time to write two songs and several journal entries. With each morning away, I woke up with a bigger smile. That is more amazing than you might think, considering how physically uncomfortable I was. You see, the day before the trip, I broke out with THREE canker sores, one of which was right in the front of my mouth and shows up in all the pictures. BOOOOOO!!! On Thursday morning I woke up with a small cut RIGHT ON THE TIP of my tongue, which got worse and worse as the weekend progressed. My mouth hurt so badly I couldn't even eat more than a few bites of anything each day. As you can no doubt tell, I am NOT a fan of an empty stomach. We've already covered the multiple blisters on my feet, so we'll just move on. Thursday night at the AMAZING musical concert, a vein in my right leg EXPLODED, giving me a massive and VERY tender bruise. The next day, I went to shake the water off my razor in the shower, and accidentally slashed my thigh wide open! It was a big, jagged cut that bled for a full day and hurt like hell. And all the sitting, which I am NOT used to, built up a pretty severe stomachache that even lingered for a couple days after I got home. So knowing all that and STILL having me say it was the best getaway I've had in a couple of years gives you an idea of how much I enjoyed it.

It wasn't a perfect trip. But if I could do it all again, I would do it all the same. The only thing I would change would be how long it took me to get it up here for you guys to read! Sorry about that. I've had it written since I got back, but was having technical difficulty adding the pictures! Everything seems to be in order now so you can look forward to hearing from me more often.

It's good to be back!!!

REALLY Utah?!

2009-05-09T01:54:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend in Utah. I tried to be good, but I could NOT HELP MYSELF. I'll tell you all about it when I get a little more time, but until then... a preview:

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mother ~ Part 2

2009-04-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

I color code the clothes in my closet. (say that 10 times fast)

I often shower in complete darkness.

I'm insanely curious about what gasoline tastes like.

I find it more exhausting to spend the day in my pj's doing nothing, than to spend it out getting things accomplished.

I sometimes feel guilty that I don't allow TV in my home because I know it will make things hard on my children socially.

I'm terrible about making my kids floss. I only do it myself like once a season.

I think about sex every bit as often as a "typical guy."

I can no longer stand to buy cheap clothes. Not even for the quick trends. MUST. HAVE. QUALITY.

If I let my hair air dry, I look exactly like Hermione Granger circa The Sorcerer's Stone.

I recently sentenced my entire family to horrible sunburns when I spent a day on the lake mistaking my Continuous Spray Aloe Vera for my Continuous Spray Sunblock.

I do not own more dishes than will fit in the dishwasher together. I refuse to buy more. This is my only motivation to wash them every single day.

I have not been to any kind of doctor for any reason in over 4 years.

It is literally impossible for me buckle Squeaks into his car seat without kissing his face.

What are your confessions?

Lady Logo

2009-04-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

I would like to take a moment of your time to ~~brag about~~ tell you what I've been up to this week. It requires a bit of a back story.

Last October, I hired a graphic designer to make a logo for my salon. The idea was to have some flyers done and out by Christmas, so I could take advantage of that extremely busy time of year. But the guy dragged his feet on it, and a week into December, he confessed he hadn't even begun thinking about it. I realized I would need to throw something together myself if I wanted a piece of the holiday money pie.

In my salon, there is a beautiful bust of a woman with long hair. I decided to use her as my logo image for the time being. So I put her on a chair, took a picture of her, and blindly clicked on random Photoshop options until she looked digitized so I could make my OWN dang flyers thankyouverymuch.

Nothing professional looking, but workable. Several people who responded were delighted when they came in, saw the statue and recognized her as the image from the flyer. It was a great conversation starter and I decided to keep her as my logo image indefinitely. I emailed what I had done along with pictures of the rest of my decor to the graphic designer I had hired, and told him to use these to create my look. I was really excited to see him improve on my amateur attempt.

He finally started sending me things. I have NO idea why he went the direction he did. I saw nothing of my salon in his images. And nothing of my statue. It became clear after several attempts that he wasn't getting my vision, so I paid him for his time, and sulked for about a month. Jonathan, my champion of logic and clarity, gently pointed something out to me that gave me the motivation to take the next steps.

He said, "Melain, you're an artist. Most people hire an artist to give them a design because they don't have the vision to make one themselves. You need a DATA ENTRY artist to read your mind and make your vision a reality, because you don't have the skills to do it yourself. That's never going to happen. Their artistic vision is always going to find its way into their work. You've got to either let go of your vision a bit, or get the skills to do it yourself."

As always, he was right. So I set out to get me some skillz yo!

Now bear in mind, this is NOT what I do. I have a great eye for aesthetics and enough skill to pick up a charcoal pencil and make a pretty detailed sketch. But I've never tried to draw with a MOUSE before. I knew it would be hard. I didn't expect it to be as challenging as it was.

It took me DAYS my friends, but I DID IT. I am ridiculously proud and I simply HAVE to ~~fish for compliments~~ show you my design! I'm not showing the whole logo, just the image I worked so hard on.

I started by painstakingly smoothing every pixel of that picture using the few methods I am familiar with. I'm sure there are quick, easy ways to do what I did, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing, so I went the slowest, most agonizing way possible.

Once I was satisfied with her texture. I decided I didn't want her to look exactly like a statue, but more like a drawing of herself. I found a filter that made a basic sketch outline and converted her. As you will see below, the sketch was pretty rough. I wanted her to be MUCH more detailed than I could figure out how to make her with Photoshop's filters.

So, from that sketch ladies and gentleman, I DREW her details by hand. Or rather, by MOUSE. I used the pencil tool, the dodge/ burn tool, and the clone tool. Look at my masterpiece!

Reconstructing the her face and ear took for EVER and I'm delighted with how they turned out. But I am particularly proud of the hand! I used my own hand as a model. I just held it up next to the screen and layered in the shading as best as I could. Can you freaking believe how good it looks?!!! I'm so full of hot air over this I could just FLOAT!

I was on a role! I didn't want to be limited to just a sketch. What if I DID want her to look more like a statue at one point? I went back to the second image I created and spent a few hours improving upon her color and texture. From that I made an image that looked like a painting. I was happy with the results, until I noticed the hands. I had done my beautiful hand in the sketch!!! I should have done it in the ORIGINAL!!! BIG FAT SLAP TO THE FOREHEAD!

A normal person would have walked away at that point. There was no copy and pasting, the textures were too different. And because I was making everything up as I went, I couldn't repeat the steps I had made to the images. So what did I do? I redrew the hand on both images. I'm pretty good at drawing hands with a mouse now!

So there she is boys and girls. The woman who has been keeping me awake at night, giving me severe neck and shoulder tension, and keeping me from blogging. What do you think?!

Living in Fiction

2009-04-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

I am a reader. I love getting swallowed up in somebody else's world for a time. I find myself drawn to the kind of story that pushes the boundaries of reality beyond my reach. As I sink deeper and deeper into the Rabbit Hole, I am curiously lifted, as though I've managed to slip past all the sludge of my own existence, right into the bright open skies of possibility. Beth, from Living a Quotable Life, got me thinking about all of the many fictional worlds I've visited, either in books or in movies. If I could make them REAL and actually spend my time there, which ones would I choose? Here are my top 10.

10. Pemberley
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin

"She had never seen a place for which nature had done more, or where natural beauty had been so little counteracted by an awkward taste."

One of my all time favorite literary moments is when Elizabeth Bennett first sees Pemberley House. A big, beautiful house right on the lake, set on high ground and surrounded by woods and rivers. Large, well proportioned rooms with less splendor and more real elegance, and a fine prospect from each window. Pemberley is the ultimate dream house, and *Mr. Darcy**to be read with a British accent* is my ultimate dream man! I would LOVE to step into this scene, but only if I get to be Lizzy.

9. Stormhold
Stardust by Neil Gaiman

"A philosopher once asked, 'Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?' Pointless really. 'Do the stars gaze back?' Now THAT'S a question!"

This is one supernatural world that I would like to sink my teeth into! I want to catch lightening in Captain Shakespeare’s whimsical Victorian flying ship, to battle witches, to travel by candle light, and to make friends with the stars. I love the idea that there are dimensions of worlds within worlds, and that by slipping in and out of them, I can achieve immortality.

8. Atlantica
The Little Mermaid by Walt Disney
The chance to swim down past the reach of the sun into a beautiful, magically lit kingdom at the bottom of the sea is a dream pulled straight from the imagination of my childhood. My sister and I spent countless hours as mermaids in our pool, having wonderful underwater adventures that could only come from the minds of children. If I could revisit that time and take my sister with me to Atlantica, I would snap my fingers and make it so!

7. The Secret Garden
by Frances Hodgson Burnett

"Sometimes since I've been in the garden I've looked up through the trees at the sky and I have had a strange feeling of being happy as if something were pushing and drawing in my chest and making me breathe fast." ~Colin Craven

I've adored this story since I was a little girl. The thought of having a hidden door on my property that leads to a beautiful garden known to no one but myself is completely irresistible to me. How wonderful it would be to slip away into a private world full of the kind of magical energy and healing power that brings an explosion of pure happiness to your chest. Such a place would definitely be my first choice as a sanctuary from the world.

6. Neverland
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

"Wendy and John and Michael...all recognized (Neverland) at once and... they hailed it, not as something long dreamt of and seen at last, but as a familiar friend to whom they were returning home for the holidays."

"All children grow up ~ except one." That line has always intrigued me, but never so much as now. Now that I fully understand all that is lost when you grow up. Now that I am too old for Peter Pan to come save me. And most especially now that I have little children of my own. I yearn to whisk them away to Neverland with me, so I can keep them safe in their childhoods where ordinary things still seem magical and pain never goes any deeper than a skinned knee. I want to live with them in a golden sunlit treehouse under cotton candy clouds. Yet here I remain, stuck in reality, running from the ticking crocodile. Time is maliciously hunting me down and eventually, it will catch me off guard and eat me up. I know that there is amazing beauty in adult life. But today, I want to go to Neverland.

5. Sky High
Screenplay by Bob Schooley

"There is no smoking on school grounds. Or freezing, or bursting into flames."

Sky High is like a sugar coated teeny-bopper version of Heroes, for which I also have a fascination. I would want to be a teleporter for my super power. Think of all the money I would save on travel and commutes, not to mention all the hours I would add to my life! I would go to school with all the other Super Kids of the world. We would have the same silly high school dramas and victories, but with a much bigger splash of cool because we would all be Super Heroes in the making!

4. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

"The great chocolate river, the waterfall, the huge sucking pipes, the candy meadows, the Oompa-Loompas, the beautiful pink boat, and most of all, Mr. Willy Wonka himself - had been so astonishing that (Charlie) began to wonder whether there could possibly be any more astonishments left."

From the rock candy mines 10,000 feet underground to the sugar coated peaks of fudge mountain, I can't believe how badly I want this factory to be real! If only Mr. Wonka had entrusted me with his ingenious legacy, I would have dedicated my life to expanding his catalog of hilarious inventions. Hot cubes that make hot drinks hotter, cavity filling caramels, stickjaw for talkative parents, invisible chocolate bars for eating in class... Talk about fulfilling work! If I can't have it for a lifetime, just give me a week to taste and explore and I promise I'll go home happy.

3. Hogwarts
Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling

"Harry had never imagined such a strange and splendid place. It was lit by thousands and thousands of candles that were floating in mid air... Harry looked upward and saw a velvety black ceiling dotted with stars... It was hard to believe there was a ceiling there at all, and that the Great Hall didn't simply open on to the heavens."

There are so many wishes bundled up and handed to me on a platter in this one world. To fly, to disapparate, to transfigure, to be able to set the dishes to cleaning themselves and to camp with a fully furnished pop-up tent! Of course, it comes with a few terrors, such as vampires, werewolves, dementors and dark magic. But that is all counteracted with the existence of unicorns and Pheonix's, of portkeys and magic potions, of Honeydukes in Hogsmead, loyal House Elves, and of course Quidditch! I actually like that you have to earn your magical competence through study and practice. My greatness would be determined by my effort, and believe me... I would put ALL my effort into this one. Especially if I get to have John Williams write my theme song!

2. Rivendell
Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

"(The House of Elrond) was a perfect house, whether you like food or sleep or story-telling or singing, or just sitting and thinking best, or a pleasant mixture of them all. Merely to be there was a cure for weariness, fear, and sadness."

The description of Rivendell is the closest I've ever heard to what my idea of Celestial Glory would be. It is a place of ethereal beauty that is kept separate from the world and free from all the ugliness of mortality. Every resident is an immortal being; fair and wise, with great spiritual power, keen senses, and a close empathy with nature. I don't just want to live in Rivendell, I want to be an elf! I want to speak that beautiful language and live out the ages in eternal youth, wisdom and nobility. Is that so much to ask?!!

1. Fantasia
The NeverEnding Story by Ralph Manheim

"'How many wishes do I get?" asked Bastian.
"As many as you want." smiled the Childlike Empress. "And the more wishes you make, the more magnificent Fantasia will become."

I choose Fantasia as my number one, not because of the way it's described in the book or the movie, but because of the concept of an entire world that caters itself to my imagination!
Mine would be a great utopian city by the sea, where the sun would never burn your skin, the rain would always be warm and sweet, and the ground would be rich and fertile, spontaneously sprouting caramel apple trees and sugar berry shrubs. My city would be teeming with fine restaurants, glamorous boutiques and spectacular Broadways shows. Each sunrise and sunset would come with music so beautiful that the whole city would stand still to hear it. Neverland would be my Central Park, our Quidditch team would be world champions, Willy Wonka would have more stores than Starbucks, and I would keep my summer house in Rivendell, which would be just a thought away.
In Fantasia, I would have it all exactly the way I want it, just by wishing it so! I know there's a catch to this deal. My life will be an open book. The Child Empress said, "Just as he is sharing all your adventures, others are sharing his." Well what are our blogs but a place to share each other’s adventures? That means I'm already half way there! So you'd better keep an eye on my blog, cuz THIS is where my NeverEnding Story will be found.

So tell me. What are YOUR top favorite fictional worlds? Nabou? Narnia? Wonderland? Camelot? FORKS? Let's hear it.

YOU are driving me NUTS

2009-04-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not an especially irritable person. Most things just kinda slide off of me. I love people and delight in the strangeness that comes with them. But man, this week has been rough. It's like some person in authority quietly declared this to be Push Melain's Buttons Week, and the entire world's population is celebrating it! I have a handful of things that make me foam at the mouth, and they have been going off all around me like fireworks on the 4th of July.

Ironically, it all started with a conversation that I overheard about Pet Peeves. Someone named a peeve of theirs, and then everyone else started throwing in their two cents, like people do when this subject comes up. They were saying things like, "My pet peeve is when elected officials abuse their power."
"My pet peeve is people who pretend to be on your side and then stab you in the back."
"Mine is when children are beaten or murdered."
REALLY?! Funny, that doesn't bother ME at ALL! I was getting more and more irritated by this conversation because those things are NOT PET PEEVES. Those are violent emotional reactions to the evils and injustices of the world. A PET PEEVE is a small, quirky annoyance for one particular person, like when people pop their gum. GENOCIDE does not qualify as a pet peeve! As I was on the brink of exploding into their conversation with a slew of insults, I realized that perhaps my pet peeve is people who misinterpret the phrase Pet Peeve. That comic relief in my own head saved them from my wrath. But it didn't end there. Oh no it didn't. (wanna count how many times I said 'pet peeve' in this paragraph?)

I'm telling you, I have developed permanent facial ticks from all the peeving I have endured this week. I could lay down the stories in detail, but I don't think I can stand to relive it all. So I'll take the easy way out, and just put them in a list for you.

When people look at my extremely expensive imported European contemporary furniture and say, "Is that from Ikea?"

Spitting. ESPECIALLY when there's a deep, throaty SNIFF right before the spit. SICK!

Disinterested service people who act like your patronage is the bane of their existence.

When the big semi truck going 38 mph just HAS to pass the other big semi truck that's only going 35 mph. In a 60 mph zone. On a two lane highway.

Stepping on a puddle of wetness in my clean dry socks.

When The Dad over reacts because The Kids are over reacting.

When people who haven't attended any practices still stand to sing with the choir on performance day.

When people say "excuse you" instead of "excuse me." RUDE!

Finding floaties in my beverage at a restaurant.

Jeans that start out a half a size too small in the morning and end up four sizes too big at night.

The A-hole behind me in the theater who chomps his jumbo sized popcorn with his mouth open, kicks the back of my seat, laughs at the sad parts and HAS to open all twelve of his candy bars during quietest scene in the movie. GRRR!

Unflushed toilets in public restrooms. COME ON people!

Indiscreet breastfeeding.

Conversational high-fives. Sooo 1989.

People who demand an overabundance of political correctness, such as, "Don't say drive STRAIGHT through the light. That's offensive. It's drive FORWARD through the light." .... HUH?!

Heavy breathing whilst chewing. Can't you sigh AFTER you swallow?!

People who honestly believe that having a dog makes them a parent.

Grammatical murderers.

Chronic joint crackers. Knuckles, neck, toes... See a chiro already!

The lady that licks her finger to turn the pages of a magazine in a public office.

Celebrities who are loud and pushy about their political views.

Fat girls with mid drift, skinny girls in circus tents... Buy clothes that fit!

When I'm taking a group photo and some random clownsmack pushes into the background with his rock fist and his tongue out. Idiot.

Yes boys and girls, Melain is on the brink of either a screaming tantrum, or a 30 minute fit of hysterical laughter. I'm leaning toward the latter. Wanna join me?
What's YOUR biggest Pet Peeve?

Musical Passion

2009-03-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned my undying love for film scores several times before. The intensity of this passion comes and goes, and right now it's taking over my head! A couple months ago, my BFF put me onto all the scores that are available on YouTube, and I created a playlist that I just can't get enough of! I listen to it all friggin day, whether it's actually playing or not. It just dances around in my mind, blocking out all other attempts to capture my attention. If you'd like a little taste of my drug, follow this link to my YouTube Film Scores Playlist! There's no way to know when a score is going to sweep you off your feet. The movie itself could be dumb as crap. But its MUSIC can still bring you to a state of euphoria! There are times when my reaction to this music is so strong, I find myself stopping to clutch my heart in an effort to keep it in my chest. There are over 80 different movies on my playlist, all with enchanting music that tells a story as clearly as the script it was written for. Here are a few of my favorites:

Slumdog Millionaire
A River Runs Through It
The Notebook
Jurassic Park
Penelope
Edward Scissorhands
Amelie
A Beautiful Mind
Big Fish
The Davinci Code
Memoirs of a Geisha
Much Ado About Nothing
Last of the Mohicans
Dances With Wolves
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Titanic
Stardust
Schindler's List
Love Actually
August Rush
Nanny McPhee
The Village
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Harry Potter. ALL of them!
The Last Samurai
The Jungle Book (1994)
Journey to the Center of the Earth
Finding Neverland
Forrest Gump
Road to Perdition
Meet Joe Black
Apollo 13
Treasure Planet
Deep Impact
The Cider House Rules
Life As A House
The Truman Show
Dead Poets Society
Good Will Hunting

Too often, many tracks on a movie soundtrack are not particularly listenable. They're written to go along with a scene in a movie, so they don't make much sense on their own. In such cases there are frequently one or two 'theme' tracks on the CD that will completely take your breath away. Here are some of my favorites that fit that description.

Batman Begins
King Kong
The Island
Blood Diamond
Star Wars
Gladiator
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Troy
Indiana Jones
American Beauty
Brokeback Mountain
Dragonheart
The Godfather
300
Alexander
Requiem for a Dream

Very rarely, a film score will come along with every single song being so melodic that it's just hypnotising.

Peter Pan (2003)
The Chronicles of Narnia
Legends of the Fall
Bliss
Braveheart
Kingdom of Heaven
Becoming Jane
Hook
Pride and Prejudice
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Lord of the Rings - Return of the King
Chocolat

I highly recommend any one of them to those of you who love the uplifting effect of orchestral music. I can't even tell you how many times this music has stopped me from snapping at my kids, or soothed my spirits so that I can attack my husband with kisses when he walks in the door, rather than with demands or complaints. I don't know what I would do without it.

Do you have a favorite film score that I don't know about? Do share!!! If not, what are your self-soothing techniques? We all have something...

YouTube Frenzie

2009-03-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

First of all, you Twilighters out there... whether you love it or hate it... if you know the story you have GOT to watch this. I haven't laughed this hard since I saw the original movie. But in this case I was laughing WITH it rather than AT it.

And secondly, I cannot get enough of this chick and her makeup tutorials! She has an incredible grasp of the art of cosmetics. If you're at all interested in dramatic makeup application, you need to follow that link. There are literally HOURS of videos available, all packed with excellent information. A little warning: It does make you want to go out and buy new makeup!

Finally, take a minute and watch this adorable little girl dance to Britney Spears Womanizer. She kicks AYUS!

Thank you, YouTube, for helping me ignore my laundry and develop back pain sitting at the computer for hours at a time during the day without ever running out of entertainment. You're the BEST.

I Just KNOW

2009-03-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

Last week my life was a complicated mixture of raw emotion, vulnerability, searing pain, pure joy, casual laughs and intimate conversation. I feel a bit like I've gone through Mrs. Lovette's meat grinder and come out of it alive and transcendent! Some of the roller coaster was associated with Personal Drama that I have no intention of regurgitating right now. But one of the emotional high points that I WILL talk about was my Saturday spent at a conference in Benaroya Hall called Time Out for Women. In a nutshell, this conference is designed to help women reconnect with our deeper, more spiritual efforts. I showed up emotionally scorched and bleeding from the events of the week. Maybe it was important that I received the information in that state, because it all got in a lot deeper that way.

The first speaker started by having us do a brief exercise. She asked us to write down something that we KNOW in our gut to be true. Something that absolutely nothing could convince us otherwise. It could be as simple as, "I know it's Saturday" or something as complex as a declaration of the purpose of life. Her hope was that, by the end of the conference, we would have an unshakable knowledge of a spiritual truth that we didn't have at the beginning of the day.

I took her challenge literally and as I listened, I wrote down a few thoughts that struck me as inarguable truth; something that I JUST KNOW. Reading through my list at the end of the day made me smile. You can see in black and white the affect that the conference had on my thoughts and feelings. Even though it's pretty personal, I'm going to share that list with you.

1. I know that Jonathan loves me more than anything else in the world.

That is the only truth I could honestly feel in my battered state. A pretty shiney accolade to Jonathan, in my opinion. The next little bit betrays where my mind lives without any effort to rise above it's natural state.

2. I know that I have a hard time concentrating when the speaker is wearing frumpy clothes.
3. I know that if Hilary Weeks can be a respected professional singer, than SO CAN I.
4. I know my spiritual bucket is empty, and that I am to blame.
5. I know that I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but that I'm going to keep trying anyway.

The rest came in powerful punches as the day progressed.

6. I know that my life is and will always be a life of abundance.
7. I know that God is not judgemental or critical, like the church gossips would have you believe.
8. I know that I have a lot to offer.
9. I know that hard times bring an awareness that creates an opportunity for gratitude.
10. I know that gratitude is the key to having the happiest life possible.
11. I know that miracles are hidden in everyday moments.
12. I know that my children were not given to me so that I could make them better. But I was given to them, and being their mother has made ME better.

I guess what I ultimately came away with was the certain knowledge that everything is going to be alright. We tell ourselves that pretty often. But this time I could really feel it, and that was a great comfort. My goal is to shift my default mental settings to more closely resemble the latter half of my list. Because when I clear away the mists of doubt and distraction, those are the things I JUST KNOW.

Tell me Darling Readers, what do you KNOW?

My Shopping Confessions

2009-03-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

Have you seen Confessions of a Shopaholic yet? The story was silly, the acting mediocre and the EDITING was DISGRACEFUL! Of course, I was expecting as much. Like The Devil Wears Prada, the only reason I went to see it was because Patricia Field styled it! My husband will be afraid to learn that it has really quickened my shopping lust. Pretty much anything by Patricia Field does that to me. I think most of us have a handful of confessions when it comes to shopping and I am no exception.

Therefore, I confess. I can relate to Rebecca Bloomwood. Seeing the right store makes my heart go like warm butter sliding down hot toast. I try not to make eye contact with the store as I pass it. But if I let my resolve slip and allow even a glance, there comes a heat in my chest that sets off a series of physical responses. The air around me turns to static, filling my body with an electric charge that brings me to a gasping halt in front of the window display.

"I really shouldn't be spending right now," I think to myself. "But it won't hurt to just look..."

I confess, I usually prefer shopping alone. Most women don't make good shopping companions. The whole "You're gorgeous in everything and you deserve it all" mentality that women tend to put on each other is sweet, but not at all helpful. Plus, all too often, there just isn't enough time for TWO or more women to get any real shopping done with all the deliberating that goes on about potential purchases. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a casual shopping day with friends. But when I'm a woman on a MISSION, the fun girly shopping date just doesn't cut it. That's where my Jonathan steps in.

Jonathan is the PERFECT shopping companion. He has worked in fashion (as the computer guy, but still, there's exposure there) so he usually has an opinion and it is always relevant and valuable. He will tell me to put down the $3000 jacket and WALK AWAY. He will let me know if something doesn't flatter me the way I deserve to be flattered, and does so without making me feel less beautiful for it. He doesn't hover, but he'll check in on me frequently to see if I need any advice or help carrying stuff. And in a way, I NEED him to be the voice of reason when it's too hard for me to leave things behind. Now that I think of it, this is a perfect metaphor for Jonathan's disposition in general! He's ALWAYS like that. DANG what a CATCH!

I confess, it is literally physically painful for me to put down something that I want. All too often I'll find something that is EXACTLY what I've been looking for in every respect. I'll hold it to my face and whisper sweet things into the space between my lips and it's label. I'll caress the hem of the skirt or the strap of the shoes like a venerated lover. My eyes will seductively trace their way down the line of the item, fully appreciating every detail, every nuance, until they flicker over the price tag. That's when the pain begins.

It SHOULD be mine! We belong together! I know I have to put it back, but doing so will leave me feeling like a 16 year old boy in a cold shower on prom night. I curse the fates that I'm not Brangelina rich! I stamp my foot and shake my fists at the *size 4* label on the cutest top I've seen in a year. Then I'll take a deep breath, smooth my hair, and quietly walk out of the store. Once I'm outside, the pain begins to recede. I deliberately look at the day around me in an effort to distract my mind from the images that will try to haunt me for as long as I think the item in question might still be available. I generally try to touch something green. A tree, the grass... for some reason these things help me remember on a sensory level what's really important.

While there's nothing like a beautiful designer coat, it isn't worth the weight of debt. And though I feel like a million bucks in new clothes, I feel completely priceless when I rise above an impulse and think bigger than my own immediate desires. I confess, I sneak more than 10 items into my fitting room, I rarely put things back where I got them, I will notice every detail of the outfit you're wearing, and I will judge you for your shoes. But be it Payless or Prada, none of that stuff really matters much in the end. It all comes down to how real your laugh is, how generous we are with our time and resources, and how diligently I continue to seek a life full of the freedom that only comes with responsible choices. And THAT, I confess, is the mantra that gets me out of the store with my dignity in tact!

So what are YOUR shopping confessions?

The Month of ME

2009-03-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

February is MY month. Valentines Day, my Anniversary and my Birthday all happen within a two week period. By the end of the month I feel so doted upon that even MY narcissism has been completely satiated.

Crafts and treats with kids are a staple for Valentines Day. I love coming up with cute things to make and give to all their little friends and favorite teachers. After that, the night goes to My Girls. Our tradition went back to it's roots this year. It all began when some douchebag dropped the ball on V-Day, leaving my best friend feeling hurt. So Jonathan bought her some flowers, and I went to her house to be her Valentine Date. That's when we officially renamed it Single Awareness Day (unofficially calling it Vagina -Day), and turned it into a Hos over Bros kind of holiday. All of our other friends usually join us for the occasion, but this year it was just the two of us again. We had a lovely dinner and watched some horrible slasher flick, laughing through the whole night as usual.

My 9th anniversary shortly followed. This year we had some friends volenteer to take our kids so that we could get out of town and eat each other up for a weekend. We chose to spend that time in Spokane with our dear friends, Stephanie and Kirk. We turned our music up to 50 and hung out the sunroof screaming at the sky and laughing at the absence of whining in the car. The time spent together was completely fulfilling on every level, dispite the fact that Stephanie got so sick she had to go to the hospital on Saturday afternoon, and I sliced my finger wide open, desperately needing stitches that I refused to get because I didn't want to waste my weekend in the waiting room of an ER. I have a high tolerance for pain and a great ability to ignore anything that bothers me. I put both those things into practice that weekend and have no regrets about it.

My birthday was a weekend long party! Jonathan let me sleep in, made me a nice breakfast, then handed me a FAT stack of cash and said, "I'm taking you shopping. Lets get you whatever you want." The man knows the art of pleasing me, that's for darn sure. He took the day off work, made arrangement for the kids, and took me back to our old stomping grounds, where all the best shopping lives. When a COP drove past us talking on a hand held cell phone, I laughed out loud and delcared "DANG I miss this city!" There was a Russian family chattering as we entered the store, a French couple looking at the Louboutin shoes, and our checker was straight out of Guatamala. I have really missed the diversity since I moved to White Bread City. It was nice to step back into the melting pot. 3 coats and one complete outfit later, we returned home to greet my in-laws who had just gotten into town. We had a birthday feast, followed by a cake that my little girl made just for me! The whole day was flawless from beginning to end.

That would be enough for just about anyone, but I have a group of friends who wanted to throw me a party too! So on Friday night, my friend Julia came to pick me up and took me downtown to get our makeup done and to buy me anything I wanted from the cosmetic counter of my choice. YAY for gift procrastination! The woman at the Mac counter who did my look was an AMAZING artist who did masterful things with my face. Poor Julia didn't do so well at the Bobby Brown counter. By her own account, she looked like the Cupie Doll from Hell. Fortunately my gal was happy to fix the situation and we both left looking like a million bucks.

We met up with Rachel for dinner at my favorite restaurant, the Broadway Bar & Grill, and then connected with the rest of our group at Julia's on Broadway for another go at Le Faux, Seattle's Best Drag Show! It was good food, great entertainment and incredible company; the perfect birthday experience.

I'm a little sad it's all over. I've got plenty of things to look forward to in the coming months, but nothing ever really beats the Month of ME!

...and Many More

2009-02-26T22:37:00.000-08:00

I am 32 years old today.

This birthday has got me thinking and feeling a lot of things. I've been rolling those things around inside of me, trying to find the words for them. When a friend showed me this short video yesterday, my search for those words came to an end.

I have the most incredible group of friends. They have been in my life through some major stuff over the last decade. There are a lot of amazing new people in my life this year as well. They're the kind of people that I want to keep for many years to come. The thoughts expressed in this essay by Kelly Corrigan say so much of what I'm feeling and what I'm anticipating! You can follow the link above to watch her read it on a video, or you can read an excerpt of it below. We're so lucky to have each other, ladies. Here's to another great year of incredible friendships!

TRANSCENDING: Words on Women and Strength
by Kelly Corrigan

"On we go, like women do, limping one minute and carrying someone the next.
For me and women of my generation, it started with play dates, cutting carbs, and meeting on Monday mornings in workout clothes to do awkward moves with large colorful balls. And I can see exactly where it’s heading.

We’ll confer about jog bras and contractors and pediatricians. We’ll gossip about babysitters, teacher and in-laws. We’ll speculate about who had a shot of Botox, who cheats on their taxes, who cleans until midnight.

We’ll persuade each other to bake, fold, stuff and write checks for our favorite non-profits. We’ll celebrate each other’s achievements; opening an exercise studio, a corner store, a jewelry business.

We’ll celebrate our kid’s achievements; making the traveling team, singing in the choir, learning to use the potty or speak French or play the flute. We’ll borrow eggs, earrings, extra chairs. We’ll throw birthday parties for each other and stain the rugs and shatter the wine glasses and mark up new counters with the odd slice of lemon.

We’ll worry about who seems down, who looks tired, who’s drinking more and more. We’ll say things we wish we hadn’t and have to find a way to regain each other’s trust. Things will break. They always do. Many will be fixed.

We’ll fret over our children; too shy, too angry, too needy. We’ll brainstorm ways to help them become more resilient, patient, light-hearted. We’ll protect them fiercely; pulling little bodies from the deep end, double latching windows, withholding car keys.

We’ll bury our mothers and fathers.

Shuttling our children off for sleepovers, jumping on red eyes, telling each other stories that hurt to hear about gasping, agonal breaths, hospice nurses, scars and bruises and scabs and how skin papers shortly after a person passes. We will nod in agreement that it is as much of an honor to witness a person come into this world as it is to watch a person leave it.

People will drift in and out, book clubs will swell and thin. We’ll write someone off and they’ll reemerge later and we’ll remember both why we loved them and why we let them slip away. But we’ll be softer, and we’ll want them back.

We’ll admire each other for a fine crème brulee, a promotion, a finished marathon. We’ll commiserate about commutes, layoffs, mortgage rates, and the High School Musical Soundtrack. We’ll confide in each other about feeling anxious or angry or uninteresting, or how many pieces of Halloween candy we accidentally ate from our kid’s bags.

We’ll confess that we text while driving. Or that we should be having more sex. Or that we yell at our kids every day. We’ll admit that we believe in God, Jesus Christ, Heaven and Hell, or that we don’t.

We’ll give up things together; caffeine, Tylenol PM, catalogs, social smoking. We’ll take up things too; morning walks, hybrids, organic dairy, saying Grace.

We’ll diagnose each other’s brown lawns, torn muscles, basement odors. We’ll check each other’s heads for lice, examine new bumps and moles, and listen to a list of symptoms. We’ll teach each other how to set a ringtone, make a slide show, or download a movie.

We will call and say “I heard the news”. And whatever the news is, we will come running. Probably with food. We’ll insist on second opinions, lots of rest, and the best surgeon. We will face diseases. Many kinds. And we’ll temporarily lose our hair, our figures, and our minds.

Eventually, someone who’s not supposed to die will. Maybe one of us. Maybe a husband. God forbid, a child. And all the celebrating, and sharing and confessing will make certain essential comforts possible. We will rally around and hold each other up and it won’t be nearly enough. But it will help the time pass just a hair faster than it would have otherwise.

We will wait patiently and lovingly for that first laugh after the loss. When it comes, and it will come, we will cry, as we howl, as we clutch, as we circle. We will transcend ladies! Because we did all this, in that worst moment we will transcend."

A Peek of Inspiration

2009-02-24T09:34:00.000-08:00

My house is brand new and, as of yet, completely without personality. When you're starting with a blank slate like this, it can sometimes be very difficult to know what direction to go. Especially when you're like me and have a great love for many different styles of decor. I've been looking for MONTHS for something to inspire a starting point for the direction I want to take my home.

Well I am pleased to announce that I have found my inspiration! Jonathan and I went out with friends recently to a cute little district in Seattle called Wallingford. We had to park in the residential areas behind the main street and walk back past all those houses to get to our destination. I got more inspiration in those few blocks than I have in months of shopping at all the best furniture stores in King County. Though I didn't see anything I would copy and paste into my own living room, seeing all the different ways people put things together, and all the touches they used to bring their spaces to life, it really light my imagination on fire!

I remembered how much I absolutely LOVE bookshelves. I haven't had any wall space for bookshelves in my previous homes, so I haven't thought about it in a while. But when I peeked in those warmly lit windows and saw thick white built in shelves stacked neatly with all those different book bindings, my heart absolutely MELTED in my chest. I love combining different fabric textures in surprising places, and I love LARGE and colorful pieces of art. I get all giddy over exposed brick and have a weakness for white crown molding and the right kind of wainscoting. I love furniture that is bold in color and unique in shape. I'm going to move toward bright, clean, modern colors but with an old, European flavor in the decor and a hefty dose of glamour. I guess my style could best be described as Hollywood Regency. I'm so excited you guys! It's like all the uncertainty that was keeping me directionless before has melted away and exposed the exact road I want to take.

Now all I need is the cash.

Donations appreciated.

Potentially Speaking

2009-02-18T23:58:00.000-08:00

I just finished rereading my all time favorite book, Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. This is NOT a light read. It's a philosophical novel about the murder and rebirth of the mind and spirit of Great Men. I've been trying to get Jonathan to read it forEVER. He spent over two years trying to get through the thing. Each effort lasted about 10 minutes and ended like this.

I, on the other hand, can't put it down. Every time I read it, I feel inspired to rise up and meet my potential. I am currently living up to about 20% of that potential, and that fact absolutely TORMENTS me! I sometimes feel that the human condition is designed to limit us all from reaching our ultimate potential. First of all, there's the 90% of our brains that scientist say remain inactive throughout our lives. What the hell is that all about! I wonder what we'll all be capable of when that veil is lifted and the rest of our brains become usable. Though even if we had full brain capacity, all of our physical needs take up SO many hours of each day, we would still struggle to find the time to do everything we want to do!

That is why, if I had one wish, I would eliminate my body's need for sleep. SLEEP. That unyielding, hour stealing control freak that continually disregards my will and dominates my schedule. I despise the necessity of sleeping. If I could take the 8 hours a day that I burn in REM cycles and apply that time to my own betterment, JUST IMAGINE how much faster I could progress, even on my lousy 10% brain power!

I would spend an hour a day practicing my guitar.
Go to school and get my degree in business marketing.
Spend the many hours it takes to perfect the masterful pieces of art that currently exist in my mind.
Stay caught up on relevant politics and current affairs.
Have more one-on-one Q.T. with each of my children.
Meditate.
Get back into singing professionally, join another band.
Put all my lingerie to good use every single day.
Write a novel.
Do more outdoor sports like biking, swimming and hiking.
Stay better connected with long distance friends and family.
Prepare more elaborate dinners.
Learn to belly dance.
Floss without fail!
Write thank you notes.
Have all the laundry clean and on hangers, color coded and broken down by season.
Watch all the shows and movies that strike my fancy.
Frequently visit the beautiful local waterfronts that I love so much, just to breathe the air.

And of course, dear readers, I would blog more. You have no idea how many stories and songs go through my head in a given day. But to sit down in a quiet environment to put them all on paper, that's quite another matter. By the time it gets quiet around here I've got slurred speech and one crossed eye. Regardless, I have decided I'm going to get back into making my blog a higher priority. So look out Google Reader! I'm about to ping you back up to high numbers!

The fact is, I will never be able to rid myself of the need to rest, and I don't want to wake up one day, 70 years old and aching for another chance to do all the things I could have. I'm going to take this list and work toward just ONE thing on it each day. A lifetime of that kind of effort will surely pay off in the end.

What would YOU do if you had an extra 8 hours a day to play with?

The Many Sides of ME

2009-02-03T21:13:00.000-08:00

My community is going to be having a Sweetheart's Dance for adults in a few weeks. I got pretty excited about the idea, as many of our "couples friends" will be there and I just love to dance. But Jonathan's reaction was,

"I don't have to go to that do I?"

My VERY mature knee jerk response was a sharply sarcastic,

"Oh no of course not! I'll be fine! I'll just go by myself and dance with somebody ELSE'S husband!" Sorry I snapped, Dear Spouse.

Jonathan has been all too clear about his stance on dancing for as long as I've known him. He would rather stick his face in the exhaust pipe of a steam train. I have always known: If I want a fun night of dancing, I go with Girlfriends. And for a fun night of waltzing, I go with Gayfriends. I really am OK with that.

The fact is, nobody should expect one person to be everything they need. We have lots of people in our lives to nurture the different sides of ourselves. Without that variety, we neglect many aspects of our potential and can become very one dimensional. I despise the idea of becoming just one type of person. I don't want to label myself as "The Rebel" or "The Housewife" or "The Fashionista." I have many sides. And I want to nurture them all!

The FUN ME. I absolutely adore my weekends of Karaoke Dance Parties and Movie Marathons. They are like a time capsule back to the days where my biggest concerns shifted between wondering what my future held and planning my next social event. A quick return to the simplicity of that young, selfish phase is all I need to get my head back in the game of meeting the serious demands that I face every day as a wife, mother and business owner. I leave all those duties at home when I go out to play. I throw my head back and howl at the moon! I dance with every muscle in my body and whip my hair around to the rhythm of my own heart. I spread my arms out wide and drink in every witty quip, every peal of laughter. I love having friends that need those things too, because with them it doesn't feel like a need. It just feels like a fantastically fun night! Then I get to go home; my lungs stretched to full capacity with cool, fresh air.

The Intellectual ME. Many precious hours of my life have been spent deep in conversation. I love staying up till 4 am, talking about the every day things in life and digging a dozen layers beneath those things to find a higher significance to it all. We analyse our subconscious reactions to the world around us. We search for solutions to specific problems and commit to push ourselves to the next level. I love seeking out minds I can respect, and then sharing with those trusted few the things that scare me, the places I dream about, and my personal moments of life altering clarity. I relish the company of those that are intelligent enough and BRAVE enough to explore the deepest places of their hearts and minds. Those are the friendships that I cherish most.

The Hero ME: I cannot even begin to explain how much I get out of helping someone through a difficult time. It's like a supercharge that cuts past all my usual energy filters and refreshes me right at the core. It doesn't matter how big or small the problem may seem, if it matters to you and I could help, then I'm recharged! My children are wonderful outlets for the Hero Me. If Squeaks is having trouble putting on his shoe and I come over to help him, he looks at me with those big brown eyes and says, "Thank you Mommy." RECHARGED! If a client ~~cheated on me~~ got a bad haircut and I'm able to fix it for them before a picture or a wedding. RECHARGED! If a friend had an upsetting encounter and needs to yell and cry on me to feel better about things. RRREEECHARGED!

The Artist ME: I am a person who is absolutely bursting with creative energy. Everywhere I look I see an opportunity to create something beautiful. Every person is a future super model. Every room is the next cover of Domino Magazine. Every sad moment is a beautiful song. Every life I touch is a great novel waiting to be written. My mind is so over saturated with clothing designs, poetry, artwork and music that it simply cannot be contained. It spills out and fills my limbs, my torso, my organs. It seeps so deeply into my body that it crosses into the intangible world of my soul and seems to define my very existence. Without the people in my life that encourage that form of expression, I wouldn't know myself. I wouldn't even be a shell of the person I am today.

The Realist ME: This side of me is a gift from my Mother, and what a labor of love it was! Three decades of the dream-stealing conversations that she forced on me as I tried to run my impulsive, over-dramatic, thoughtless ass right into traffic, have trained me to pause and think; to see the far reaching consequences of seemingly small choices. I make a daily effort to transcend my tendency to live in the moment, and I force myself to analyse where my actions are ultimately going to take me. I decide if I want to go there, and change my course if necessary. Then I go on sauntering through the rest of the day in my highly distractible, permagrinning style, loving the smell in the air as I go. Without Realist Me, I would have been life's roadkill long ago.

The Spiritual ME. Spiritual Me is the glue that holds all of us together. This side puts a weight on the other end of my pendulum personality. Without the deep calm that I achieve through daily efforts to heighten my spiritual awareness, Fun Me would become a very shallow, superficial person who had a lot of trouble creating and sustaining close relationships. Intellectual Me would become a pious, critical and unapproachable cynic.
Hero Me would eventually look at my life, wonder why I never did anything for myself, and would become The Martyr; resenting the hell out of everyone I had spent my life serving.
Artist Me would see that I spent out my years living paycheck to paycheck with no schedule, no structure and no notable progress.
Realist Me would be a pessimistic buzzkill with a disdain for all day dreams and high aspirations.
And Sex Kitten Me? Well she'd just be a whore.
Spirituality has rescued me from many dark and ugly monsters that hide in the closets of my Many Sides. Most of the people I surround myself with have a deep respect for things of a spiritual nature. They help me stay focused when I find myself tempted to dumb down my existence.

Those are just the big corners of my personality. I didn't even mention Sensitive Me, or Goofball Me, or Mischievous Me, or Sex Kitten Me or any number of other essential elements of my accumulative craziness. Each trait is enormously important and must be given the attention it needs to flourish. I encourage you to look at your life. Find the things that feel out of balance, and fill your world with people who can help you bring out the greatest sides of YOU.

Tell me: What ARE your Many Sides?

Before they royally screw this one up too...

2009-01-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

I would like to introduce you to the actors I've cast to play the Volturi in the upcoming guarenteed piece of crap, New Moon. In my head, it's a lovely movie, and the characters look just like this. But let's keep in touch with reality. Summitt has openly stated that they see no reason to give New Moon a bigger budget than Twilight had. So I'll just enjoy the movie in my head by reading the book again, with THESE pretty faces to go with the names.

Francesco Cura as CAIUS

Ruper Friend as ARO

Christian Camargo as MARCUS

Remy Thorne as ALEC

Jodelle Ferland as JANE

Raffaele Febbraio as FELIX

Eduardo Verastegui as DEMETRI

Amanda Carrier as HEIDI

Eva Marcelle as RENATA

There is some hope, as the Twilight Casting Director, Lana Veenker, has NOT been rehired. But since the ideal casting agent (ME) has also NOT been hired, the perfect cast is unlikely to come to fruition outside of this sensational blog. Soon the "official cast" will be out and corrupting my vision, so eat your hearts out while you can Twilight Bloggers!

Sith Lord of the Server

2009-01-21T13:28:00.001-08:00

Jonathan's company usually makes a video to use as entertainment for their Holiday party. This year, they ran out of time and were very worried about disappointing the crowd. That's when Jonathan swept in and saved the day. He came home and wrote up a screen play in an hour or so, took it back to work and they filmed it in a day. The video was filmed in the style of The Office, so if you enjoy that show and its humor, you'll get a kick out of this too.

Those of you who know Jonathan are aware of the fact that the man is BRILLIANT. He truly has an incredible mind. He learns things with absolutely no effort on his part whatsoever. It is frustratingly incredible. That fact makes this video even funnier. There's something wonderful about a man who can laugh at himself. It's even better if he can get us all laughing too.

I Swoon

2009-01-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

Romance is a tricky business nowadays. We all hail Hollywood Romance as ideal, but when it actually happens to us, we either laugh in its face, or we label Said Romantic as a desperate psycho. It's a sad double standard. People used to declare their love through a beautifully written letter or sonnet. The closest we get to that now is a sappy Ecard or a song dedication on the radio.

Song lyrics are generally filled with things that would be too stupid to say, but are worth expressing anyhow. Because let's face it. We all still FEEL in poetry. It is the language of the heart. And music is the language of the soul. That's what makes it the ideal venue for emotional expression. A song can cut right through the bullcrap of our minds and our insecurities, to the dark corners of the soul that never see light and that nothing else can reach. The songs that reach you as an individual can be very telling. If you pay attention to the songs that speak to your Love, I believe you would learn a great deal about what they crave, what they delight in, what they look for and what makes them feel complete.

I would like to give you a peek at my inner sap by listing for you 20 of my Favorite Love Songs. Some of the most beautiful love songs out there are about love lost, love unrequited or obsessive love. But I'm not going to list those songs today. Though they are powerful enough to rip through my emotional memories like a knife, they don't reflect my current situation. Thank GOD. So, past hauntings aside, I invite you to take a moment to enjoy romance through the filter of my experience.

*If you're talented enough to read while you listen to music, scroll to the bottom of the post and click play!

Nessun Dorma by Lucianno Pavarotti

"And my kiss will break the silence,
that makes you mine!
...at daybreak, I WILL WIN!"

When You Say You Love Me by Josh Groban

"And when you're with me,
if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear
I feel like I can fly."

The Glory of Love - Peter Cetera

"I am a man who will fight for your honor.
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of."

Come What May by Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor

"Storm clouds may gather
and stars may collide,
But I love you
Until the end of time."

I finally Found Someone
by Barbara Streisand and
Bryan Adams

"You're exceptional,
I can't wait for the rest of my life."

She Belongs To Me by Harry Connick Jr.

"I just wanted someone I could sing to
Who'd listen to every song."
*Jonathan sang this song to me at our wedding reception.
Awwwwwww.
He introduced the song by saying it was 'our story in a nutshell.' He really worked the crowd. They were going crazy!

At Last by Etta James

"My lonely days are over
And life is like a song"

My One and Only Love
by Frank Sinatra

"You fill my eager heart
with such desire
Every kiss you give
sets my soul on fire."

The Way You Look Tonight by Steve Tyrell

"I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight."

Unforgettable by Nat King Cole

"Unforgettable in every way.
And forever more,
That's how you'll stay."

The Power of Two by Indigo Girls

"And if we ever leave a legacy
It's that we loved each other well."

Something in the Way She Moves
by James Taylor
"She has the power to go where no one else can find me,
Yes, and to silently remind me
Of the happiness and good times that I know."

Love Song by The Cure

"Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again."

Breathe by Faith Hill

"In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down."

Thank You by Dido

"Just to be with you
Is living the best day of my life"

This was "our song" for the first year of my marriage. Awwwwww.

Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan

"Your love is better than ice cream,
Better than anything else that I've tried."

When You Say Nothing At All
by Alison Krauss

"The touch of your hand says
you'll catch me if ever I fall"

Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne

"With you by my side I will fight and defend."

Everything I Do by Bryan Adams

"Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice."

You're The Inspiration by Chicago

"And I want you here with me
From tonight until the end of time."

There are hundreds of other amazing love songs that I don't have room for on this list. So let's see how many you guys can add. What song speaks to YOUR inner sap?

Highlights of 2008

2009-01-05T23:41:00.000-08:00

I know New Years is a time that we as a society tend to look ahead. But I like to use it as a time to look back at all the amazing changes and little adventures I've had in the last 12 months.

THEME SONG OF 2008:

I have felt a strange sort of deepening in all my significant relationships this year. It's like my heart has expanded to twice its original depth and my capacity to love has doubled with it. My Jonathan and I have achieved this amazing place of friendship, respect and passion. My best friend Kristen has really come through for me in some difficult moments, which has brought us closer. I have experienced a remarkable healing and forgiveness with relationships that have been damaged or felt strained in the past. Even my children have become somehow more important to me than they were before. Something about the song Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne, puts all those emotions into a tangible form. I've listened to it more times this year than I can count. It will forever take me back to 2008 and all the growth that it brought me.

Enjoy the song with a slideshow of some favorite pictures from 2008.

FAVORITE BLOG ENTRY:

My very favorites are posted on the sidebar. If I had to choose one, I think it would be Blasting the Past.There's a lot of "me" in that one.

GREATEST CHANGE:

The change that brought on all the change: We bought a house this year and moved to BFE. That meant a new school, new church, new neighbors, new callings, new routines, new clients, new EVERYTHING. It would be much faster for me to name the things that haven't changed in my life this year. Fortunately, every change has been for good.
**Of course that's actually a picture of my house.
What do you mean there are no palm trees in Washington!?!**

*FUNNEST* GIRLS NIGHT OUT:

I'm awarding this year's #1 night to Valentines Day. We went to Madame K's, which is a little Italian Bistro that actually used to be a Brothel. They have several racks of pretty little negligees that you can try on while you're there. We played dress up, shared all our entrees and generally basked in our own fabulousness.

Honorable mention: The Sex and the City Sleepover at my house. It's not a night out, but it was a GREAT girl's night IN. We made lots of yummy mixed drinks and stayed up half the night watching 2 episodes from each Season of Sex and the City.

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT:

The missionaries for my church are all young men, ages 19-21. I give them free haircuts every month as my small thank you for their service. One morning, the day after haircuts, they dropped by my house to say thank you again and to ask if there was anything at all they could do for me. We were chatting politely when my daughter came downstairs and asked loudly, "Mom? Why was the cap to the Cool Whip under your bed?" It took about five awkward seconds for realization to replace their smiles with unabashed, wide-eyed shock. I've never seen anyone end a conversation and exit the building so quickly.

MOST IMPROVED RELATIONSHIP:

There isn't much competition for this one, because my sister-in-law, Melissa, has simply blown the competition away. I got to know her last year when we visited her home in California. Jonathan used to say that she and I wouldn't get along because we're so different. While it's true that we are very different, I totally got her brand of humor and enjoyed every conversation we had. This year, she got bumped from friendly acquaintance to Sister Status when she came to visit me for a week. She teased me about my "Rockstar Lifestyle" and I teased her about her Mom Purse... all mutually satisfying shenanigans. I've gone from liking Melissa to loving Melissa, and I can't wait to hang out again for another kick-A photoshoot!

WORST HABIT:

I've always loved running on a treadmill. I turn on some high energy music and do some intense interval training. I could do it every morning and never get sick of it. Well, this year I realized that I could set my laptop in front of my treadmill and watch all my favorite shows while I run. And now, I don't really run. I sorta walk. I'm no longer focused on my workout, because I'm totally focused on the show! I have DEFINITELY seen the results of that lost intensity. I think it's time to get back in the habit of interval training.

BEST GETAWAY:

We really didn't do much in the getaway department this year. But among the few things I did do, my trip to Forks, Washington with two of my best friends definitely hits the top of the list.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT:

One of the MAJOR reason we chose to move here was so that our kids would have lots of kids their age to play with in the neighborhood, at church, at school... I confess myself very disappointed by the little girl selection in Shiney's age group. She aches for that one "best friend" that will really love her and understand her and put some effort into spending time with her. She's such a social little thing and, not unlike her mother, is also VERY spur of the moment, so the prearranged playdates just don't work very well. I'm extremely disappointed that there isn't someone in our neighborhood for her. Maybe the perfect girl will move in this year and fill in the little hole I see in my baby girl's heart.

FAVORITE WARDROBE ADDITION:

I splurged on these red Via Spiega heels from Nordstrom at the first of the year, and I seriously could wear them with EVERYTHING and feel prettier for it. I'll even confess to wearing them while reading and doing housework. They're just that hot.

GREATEST NEW FRIENDSHIP:

Julia is the girlfriend of a friend of a friend who I met at a birthday party in January. When my husband was looking at all the pictures from the party the next day, he shouted, "WHEN did you start hanging out with JULIA?!" Apparently Jonathan has known her whole family most of his life. He had nothing but nice things to say about her, and that's just amazing to me. I'm pretty sure anyone who's known me most of my life would have some pretty unsavory stories to scare people away with. I can't place the exact moment I decided to keep her forever, but there is no describing how much I love being around her. She's smart and funny and has a knack for making me laugh until I'm on the floor clutching my stomach and begging for mercy. She's definitely a keeper.

FAVORITE NEW HOBBY:

I've never made a secret of the fact that I am absolutely NOT athletic. While I love exercise and enjoy things like dancing and swimming, I am all thumbs when it comes to actually playing group sports. Well, since I rather enjoy pushing myself into things that make me uncomfortable, I decided to join a local volleyball team this fall. It's good exercise and, though I'm not much of an asset talent-wise, it has been really rewarding to watch myself improve. I've also enjoyed the great friendships that have come from it. GO RC-TEAM!

FAVORITE MOVIES:

Normally I would have a 6 mile list for you with a dozen opinions to go with each bullet point. But I REALLY laid off the movies this year. I feel like I've hardly seen ANY! I made it to the major blockbusters and the rest just sorta slipped through the cracks. I'm rarely impressed with big blockbuster movies, though I did like some of them enough to see again. I'll be better about giving the little guys more attention this coming year. As it is, my awards for 2008 are as follows:

Best Blockbuster: The Dark Knight
Best Chick Flick: Sex and the City
Best Action: Iron Man
Best Drama: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Animation: Kung Fu Panda
Best Comedy: Pineapple Express
Best Independant: Happy Go Lucky
Biggest Letdown: Twilight

Honorable mention to Frost Nixon and the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

FAVORITE BOOKS:

I spent most of my reading time this year going back over some old favorites. Jane Eyre, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Vampire Chronicles... I love them all dearly. But there is one new read that stands out in my memory a little sharper than the others, and that is 'Salem's Lot. It is the first Stephen King book I have ever read. I remember the fights my mother and oldest brother used to have about his bringing those books into her house. Now I fully understand her strong reaction to them. It's not exactly wholesome reading and I don't think I'll seek out any more of his work, but I take off my hat to his literary genius.

GREATEST MUSIC DISCOVERY:

I know I'm a little retarded for having just discovered them, but I cannot get enough of MUSE this year. The vocalist drives me a little nuts, but the MUSIC... It's seriously hypnotic to me! There is something incredibly magical about it. Some favorites: Supermassive Black Hole, Starlight and Hysteria. Just close your eyes, bob your head and listen to the music. I LOVE it.

CELEBRITY CRUSH:

My crushes moved with my obsessions this year. Discovering I could watch TV shows on line got me on these major kicks for weeks when I would obsessively watch every single season of whatever show struck my fancy. And for those weeks, I would majorly crush on whoever was the hot guy of that particular show. So this year, my crushes are divided between a few people. In short, we have Henry Cavill, Sendhil Ramamurth, Chad Michael Murray, with the honorable title of Girl Crush going to Sophia Bush. Congratulations Hotties!

BIGGEST OBSESSION:

I admit that my biggest obsession this year has, hands down, been Twilight. My friends and I had such a fantastic time anticipating the final book and going to the midnight release party, choosing the perfect cast for the movie, taking a trip to Forks, putting together our own soundtracks, meeting the author, waiting to see the movie and pulling it to pieces when it was done. We have had more Twilight themed conversations than I care to admit. I know it's not actually the greatest story out there. But it was an incredibly fun obsession!

FAVORITE MEMORY:

After sifting through a heap of memorable awesomeness, I have decided my favorite memory this year is the visit I had from my little brother Daren. He and I have our own strange little world when we're together. It's encrypted with years of inside jokes that are ever evolving yet somehow unchanging. He's in Iraq right now and I don't know when I'll see him again. But I do know I can't wait for it.

MOST VALUABLE LESSON:

Fear is an enemy, and anger is a wasted emotion. I've known that for quite some time. But this year I learned it on a deeper level; the level required for a person to put knowledge into action. I feel like those two things have been controlling some of my actions on a subconscious level. I'm excited to see how far I can go as I conquer them.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION:

Ironically, my resolution is to become a habitual goal setter; setting daily personal goals, weekly business goals, and monthly family goals. My natural disposition doesn't leave much room for discipline or productivity, and I am beginning to feel unsatisfied by that. I'm ready to start imposing some structure on myself. Wish me luck, and I'll keep you 'posted.'
HAHAAAAA! YAY for my first bad pun of the year!

Because I just can't let it go...

2008-12-29T23:03:00.000-08:00

My BFF Kristen and I have spent far too much of our personal time on the useless task of getting together the RIGHT cast for Twilight. It took a lot of searching and emailing and texting... It was so labor intensive that I just HAVE to post the results here, or all that labor will be forgotten in the sands of time. So without further ado, I present to you the REAL cast of Twilight.

EDWARD CULLEN
Meet Sean Faris. Chiseled yet boyish, menacing yet disarming, lean yet muscular, Toss in a little lightener to bring out the coppery tones under that dark hair, and he could totally pass as Edward Cullen.

BELLA SWAN
I thought I was OK with Kristen Stewart as Bella until she started talking. Danielle Panabaker would have played the part perfectly. Plus, her physical description is DEAD ON. Check it out:

"Bella is very fair-skinned, with long brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. Her face is heart-shaped—a wide forehead with a widow’s peak, large, wide-spaced eyes, prominent cheekbones, a thin nose and a narrow jaw with a pointed chin. Her lips are a little out of proportion, a bit too full for her jaw line. Her eyebrows are darker than her hair and more straight than they are arched. She’s slender but not at all muscular, and weighs about 115 pounds."
Danielle Panabaker IS Bella Swan.

CARLISLE CULLEN
Carlisle Cullen. 23 years old, blonde hair, "more handsome than any movie star you've ever seen". This is Peter Facinelli, the guy they cast to fit that description. REALLY? I don't get it. Dumping a bottle of hydrogen peroxide on this guy's hair is not going to fix the many problems here.

THIS is Justin Hartley. Angelically beautiful face, warm, compassionate eyes, that classic V-shaped body... Nothing to fix here. He's an absolutely perfect Carlisle Cullen.

ESME CULLEN
Elisabeth Reaser did a good job as Esme. But the problem lies in her appearance. Next to The Barney they cast as Carlisle, she was believable, but next to Justin Hartley she would look like a Far Side character. Also, she is 33 years old and totally looks it! Sorry Elisabeth, but you just don't make the cut.

Emmy Rossum would be a sensational Esme. She's got the round, soft face, is young enough to be a Cullen, but has wonderfully soulful eyes with a great emotional sensitivity about her that would work very well with this character. She's also beautiful enough to stand next Justin with her head held high.

EMMETT CULLEN
I have absolutely no problem with Kellan Lutz as Emmett. Though I imagined him to have a bit more bulky muscle, Kellan still looked the part, and played it well.

ROSALIE HALE
The casting for Rosalie, on the other hand, was a disaster. Her surreal and striking beauty is so essential to her entire character. Nikki Reed is pretty enough to be a high school crush in a Disney movie, but not even CLOSE to hot enough to be Rosalie Hale! The coloring is all wrong, the body type isn't even close... I do not understand how they decided on this girl with so many other blonde beauties in the world.

My first pick was AnnaLynn McCord. But an anonymous commenter has brought another girl to my attention, and she has stolen the part! Tamsin Egerton would have been ideal as the beautiful, bitchy, self righteous, egocentric Rosalie that we all love to hate. This girl is AMAZINGLY beautiful. In my movie, she OWNS that part.

JASPER CULLEN
Jackson Rathbone isn't an ugly kid, though GOD KNOWS they did their best to make him one in this movie. But even at his very cutest, he is all wrong for the part of Jasper Hale. Jasper is a General of WAR! He led thousands of ravenous vampires into countless battles and came out on top every time! Of all the Cullens, Jasper is the most dangerous. But this kid they cast looks like one sudden move will make him crap his pants.

My pick is Chase Crawford. I could see myself taking a step backward if this guy maintained eye contact for too long. He's got this aggressive edge to him, with a kind of brooding sulkiness that would very much suit Jasper's character.

ALICE CULLEN
I don't know who's unemployed cousin got the job of hair and makeup for this movie, but anyone who could take an amazing beauty like Ashley Greene and turn her into the scraggley, outdated, mousey looking thing that appeared in Twilight deserves to be publicly scorned and to never work in the beautification field again. That said, I think Ashley, sans the bad wig, terrible lighting and poor directing, was a fantastic Alice. The perfect face, coloring, body and attitude. Fix everyone else on the set and she's a keeper.

JACOB BLACK
Aside from yet another bad wig and EXTREMELY overbleached teeth, Taylor Lautner did a great job as the young Jacob Black. But there is just no way he's going to be big enough to play Jacob in the upcoming movies. By the end of the 3rd book, Jacob is supposed to be 6'6" and look like he's in his late 20's.

I propose that we switch actors, if not in New Moon, then for SURE in Eclipse. My proposed actor is of course, Steven Strait. For starters, Taylor and Steven look freakishly alike. It would be a believable swap. And just look at those beautiful, anguished eyes! He would do it so well. Also, it's my understanding that Jacob spends a lot of time half naked in the last two books. That seals my casting choice. Cuz DEAMN.

THE VILLIANS
Cam Gigandet came acrossed as a bit of an overactor, but I believe it was the directing, not the acting that was the problem. I thought he was a great James, and Edi Gathagi was a great Laurent.

Victoria, however, was ALL WRONG. The very thought of this character is supposed to strike terror into our hearts throughout the next book. Rachelle Lefevre would make a great Anne of Green Gables with her slightly pudgy, freckley, girl-next-door face. But her attempts to be menacing were completely laughable.

I believe Kata Dobo was born for the role of Victoria. She's a perfect match for Victoria's description: "Beautiful and feline or cat-like with long, swirling red hair that looks like wild fire." She's also got an AMAZING body, and her hungarian accent would have been a cool touch. Doesn't she look FIERCE!

THE SUPPORTING CAST
Charlie was NOT was I was expecting, but I liked him anyway. Mike, Jessica, Eric were great. They may all stay.

WHEW. Now if I'm ever forced to watch that movie again I can just squint my eyes until everything is a big blur and mentally replace the cast. That will be the only gratification I will get from all this digging. Maybe next I'll show you my cast for New Moon. It's simply PERFECT.

Dear Seattle,

2008-12-22T09:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure there's any place quite as relaxed and cool as you are. Your incredible beauty and diversity are huge selling points, and your candy-bars-for-everyone tree-hugger attitude is so endearing. You've got all the advantages of a big city with the attitude of a small one. You're brave and adventurous and friendly... Simply put, I love you Seattle.

But when it snows, I don't even recognize you! The entire city shuts down over a mild frost on the grass. People are terrified to leave their houses. Cars are abandoned ON THE FREEWAY! I'm not making this up! Two years ago, all our schools were canceled because of a snow storm. Everyone was talking like we'd been transported to the Arctic. But it was like the Emperor's New Snow. I listened to the panic on the radio while looking outside wondering at what point someone had slipped me crazy pills..

I stepped out and took a picture that day. That's the school across the street from my old house. Clearly, the roads are unsafe and cancellation is our only option. I hope you're picking up on the sarcasm cuz I'm layin it on pretty thick. Apparently it had snowed in a suburb northeast of Seattle. So we all had to stay home for a week.

What.
The.
Hell.

We are definitely in a "here we go again" situation. My kids have been home all week because the Idiot Weatherman said it might snow. For the record, we DID get snow this weekend. But there's no SCHOOL on the weekend now IS THERE! Last Wednesday was a school day. And where did we spend that day? At McDonalds with half the other kids in our city. A proud day for America. Notice all the piles of snow and the dangerous icy roads in the background? That's one less day of summer break. Thanks for that.

Then the Idiot Weatherman started telling us we were in for the wind storm of the century, with 90 mph gusts attacking from the mountain. It was a certainty that entire communities would lose power for who knows how long. We went out and dropped a few hundred bucks on a propane heater, a carbon monoxide detector, some lanterns and a million batteries. Merry friggin Christmas to us. We turned our Freezer all the way up to ROCK SOLID, (yes, that's a real setting) and turned the heat in our house up to 80, hoping to preserve some warmth for as long as possible after the power went out. We gave each kid a lantern, gloves, extra blankets... We went to bed that night in our warmest clothes, sent farewell emails to all our friends, shut down all the computers, wrote a living will... OK maybe not that last one, but we were certain we would wake up and be able to see our breath in our own bedroom. Instead, we woke up so hot we had removed half our clothes in our sleep and were dangling limbs off the bed.

Now we've exhausted our budget on useless emergency items and have nothing left to buy things that would come in very handy, like some sleds and a snow shovel. I had to shovel my porch yesterday with a soft rake and a push broom (for all the good it did.)

OK I'm done complaining. Now that I've got that out of my system, I can get excited about having my first White Christmas in YEARS. I can look forward to snowmen and hot chocolate. I can be absolutely THRILLED that we didn't lose power on Christmas week, cuz that would have sucked. And now, next time the Idiot Weatherman fails to predict an upcoming natural disaster, we'll be prepared. I guess there's no real bad news here. Just do something for me Seattle. CHILL THE FREAK OUT! It's just a little snow.

3rd Annual Amateur Christmas

2008-12-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

It seems that O Holy Night is the favorite Christmas song of every mediocre singer in all of Christendom. Every year someone tries to throw it down Celine style, usually shattering glass and/or eardrums in the process. I believe I have found the renditon that they practice with, though I'm not sure anyone but this amazing vocalist can do it justice.

So do yourself a favor; click on my link below, then sit back and listen as the full spirit of Christmas sweeps over you with this spectacular arrangement of *O HOLY NIGHT*

*I will post this every year until the day I die.

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mother ~ Part 1

2008-12-14T20:09:00.000-08:00

1. I fantasize about verbally abusing the guy responsible for the shelves of candy and gum right by the cashier at the grocery store.

2. I LOVE Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (if it's made right)

3. I often miss the structure of being an employee. I have to force myself to stay busy when I'm home or I will just EAT ALL DAY.

4. When I'm walking with my child's hand in mine, I am often so distracted by how much I love the feel of his soft tiny fingers, that I'm all but completely unaware of what's going on around me. So if I ever come off as snobby, don't take it personally.

5. One time, in the era of potty training, I washed an entire load of laundry with a big turd hidden in little pants, essentially douching all the clothes in toilet water.

6. I often wish it would not be considered psycho to line my entire house with Saran wrap each morning, Dexter Style. Then I could take it off at night and enjoy a few hours of pristine clean.

7. Sometimes I have sex dreams about Disney characters.

8. I like to complain about it, but seeing all the little toys scattered across the living room floor makes me smile.

9. I'm so used to having an audience in the bathroom that I have to remind myself to close the stall door when I'm in public.

10. The best part of my day is picking up Squeaks from preschool. I get the kind of high energy, over-excited reception that would give Obama a REAL run for his money! He sure knows how to make a Mom feel loved.

What are YOUR confessions?

Gratitude

2008-11-27T16:56:00.000-08:00

No matter how great life is for someone, to them it's just their life. It's what they're used to. Sure they're aware of the good stuff, but cannot REALLY understand how lucky they are unless they lose everything. As for me, I know that I live a life of security, leisure and comfort. And in this dreary and depressing month of November, I am grateful for Thanksgiving; a time to reflect on one's blessings and show gratitude for them. I just gotta lay it all out for you today. So here goes:

If there's a bug in my food, I can throw it out with no hesitation because there is ALWAYS more food to be had. That's no little thing.
I wake up every morning with absolutely no pain in my body, thanks to my Tempur-pedic mattress and my good health.
I have a fight with my husband maybe twice a year. It never lasts more than an hour and always ends with great sex. We are the best of friends. We consider each other's needs and make meeting them a priority. I HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
Our last babysitter reported with wide eyed amazement that my children were the best behaved kids she had ever sat with in all her 17 years. They are delightful people who understand how to be polite, how to be kind, and why those things are important. I am very lucky to be the steward of such GOOD souls.
My friends and I still have adventures that are reminiscent of the kind of silliness and independence that most people let go after marriage. Sleepovers, road trips, clubbing, themed parties for no reason… not many women in their 30’s have that. Much of the fulfillment I feel in my life comes from my incredible friendships and all the variety they bring.
I found my niche at age 21. I know people who go through their entire lives bouncing from job to job, paying the bills, but not getting any enjoyment out of their work. I get absolutely giddy over a busy work day. I do a full on happy dance when someone with terrible hair needs me to fix it. I DELIGHT in that challenge and I love LOVE LOVE my job.
Having just moved this summer, I’ve been faced with the potentially grueling task of settling into a new community. You wouldn’t believe how easy it has been for me. The people here are amazing. I feel completely accepted by my neighbors and by my new ward. This is exactly the kind of place I’ve always imagined raising my family. How lucky is THAT?!
Actually, you know what? It’s not luck. It’s The Gospel. My faith has been directly responsible for every good thing I have listed here. I owe everything to that. On that note, our free country deserves a nod as well. I wouldn't have the blessings from my religion without the freedom to practice it.

Of course, while the big things in my life give me joy, it's the little things that make life really beautiful. Like soft, dry socks
cruise control on a long trip
a random Inside Joke Text from my BFF
digital cameras ... spontaneity ... spooning
the perfect pair of sunglasses ... laughing till I cry
breakfast for dinner … clean, white teeth ... clothing with a couture fit
a new haircut … a catchy melody … quiet eaters … a great idea
indoor plumbing … quotable one-liners … holding hands
an old pair of sweats ... a fort out of blankets
a night out … a soft kiss ...God-given gifts
a day at the beach … endless possibilities
bonding conversations ... dream chasing
family traditions … a familiar voice
an answered prayer

Remember the good stuff this weekend everyone. There’s lots of it.

Transformation 2008

2008-11-25T19:04:00.000-08:00

Well, it's that time of year again. Time for me to make my obligatory color change. The dark has been delightful, but I am VERY ready to lighten up. In order to look like I belong among the living, I have to put on concealer, line my eyes, darken my brows and strategically apply a bronzer every single day. It always looks good in the end, but I'm ready for a more naturally flattering look. I called my usual person, who was going to charge me $125 an HOUR for the change that would certainly take a minimum of 8 hours from start to finish.

Weighing my options:
Get my hair done? Have Christmas.
Get my hair done? Have Christmas.

I opted for the cheaper, more difficult route of doing the color myself.

It was, however, logistically impossible for me to complete stage one without a competent set of hands. So I got a local stylist who was willing to use my color line and let me boss her around for the bleach and toning part of the transformation. She was very nice about it. It took about 4 hours and went exactly as I predicted, ending at a flat, brassy (but even) dark blonde. The perfect base color.

I would love to have gone straight home to add my high and low lights, but I had a date with Edward Cullen! So I took my brassy, unfinished head to the theater and met up with my friends for the Twilight movie. I should have stayed home with my hair.

The next day I applied a toner to get rid of the brassiness. I started adding dimension by taking the underside a shade darker,slicing some lowlighting through the sides, and highlighting around my face. All this I did working upside down, backward and blind. Though I actually let Shiney apply the toner to the roots at the back of my head. It took her an hour to cover 4 square inches, but she was very precise and did exactly what I told her. I was very proud.

I still have more high and low lighting to do and am in desperate need of a good haircut. But overall I'm pleased with my change. It brings the golden tones out of my skin, as opposed to the pink I've been seeing with the dark hair. This is the result to date. What do we think?

That crap movie I saw this weekend.

2008-11-23T21:52:00.000-08:00

My expectations were pretty low, but I was feeling optimistic. I knew the production company was just starting, but I love new talent! I knew the director was a rookie, but so was Peter Jackson when he did Lord of the Rings! I also knew the budget was freakishly small and that was going to bother me. So I was expecting to give it a C+. 3 out of 5 stars. Something like that. And I was excited to see Edward Cullen in the flesh!

But Edward Cullen stood me up. Instead he sent this fugly, extremely constipated guy named Rob who didn't possess and ounce of Edward's charm and charisma. He acted like an overly awkward 7th grader around the girl he liked, and basically spent the entire movie brooding and sulking. I don't know what Bella sees in him. Though, if we're honest, our hot tempered, hyper-emotional Bella didn't show up either! Kristen Stewart left all personality at the door. She completely flat-lined the character, giving her the emotional expression of a garden gnome.

I get all fired up when I talk about this, so I'll say it once and I'll keep it brief.

The music? RIDICULOUS to the point of DISTRACTION. Like a cheesy Made-For-TV movie from the 80's. (except for the sensational Muse, played during the baseball scene)

The cinematography? PAINFULLY AMATEUR. I saw Twilight spoofs on YouTube that were done as well.

The Vampires? Alice and Emmett were OK, but everyone else was completely miscast. They were all stiff and unlovable. The villains were MAJOR over-actors. And I think Jasper might be Edward Scissorhand's long lost brother.

The script? Choppy and hollow. The most famous lines from the book were there, but sans the conversation that built up to those lines! Taken out of context, they were stripped of their meaning and left sounding completely phony. Lots of facts from the books were mentioned, but never explained. (such as WHY Edward's eyes changed colors)

I think my kid's monthly allowance might rival the budget for effects. The glittery skin? The red eyes that you could only see when the camera was an inch away? The cakey white makeup that stopped before the ears and showed every flaw on their skin? The lousy sound editing? And that's just the tip of it!

The worst thing on the table was the directing. Small budget aside, she could have directed the characters to have meaningful exchanges. Instead, each line was delivered like a high school play. She could have infused some warmth into the relationships. But everyone remained strained and awkward throughout the whole thing. She could have reminded Edward to 'smolder' a little, or to flash that famous crooked smile we heard so much about. I know Robert could have done it! But instead she kept saying,

"I gotta have more ~~constipation~~ intensity!"
"Give me WIDER eyes! I WANNA SEE THOSE WHITES!"

She had them all wheezing along in misery from beginning to end. The side characters were the only people in the entire production with personalities. (Mike Newton, Eric, Jessica, Jacob, and Charlie were great) I mean really, Catherine Hardwicke. Was your mom the only person in the test audience? Or did you just not show up to work that day. Because when the entire theater is pointing and laughing at parts that are meant to be cool or touching, something is definitely wrong.

And was is just me or was Charlie hotter than Edward?
Just me?
OK then.

Truthfully? I hope there is no sequel. I hope they let this one sit alone and then REMAKE it in a few years with a good cast, a competent director and a production studio with the means to make it what it could be. But even if they DO go ahead with this horrible cast and crew, the next one HAS to be better, because it DOESN'T GET WORSE.

Indulgence

2008-11-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

It was the first day in my 71/2 years of being home that ALL THREE KIDS were in school. The sun had even come out to celebrate with me! I was a bit sulky about having to do something as mundane as grocery shopping on such a beautiful day. I was resentfully glancing over my 40 page dissertation (aka the grocery list), when I saw it. It was on the endcap of an isle that I have long since trained myself to ignore. There were hundreds of other rectangular objects around it, calling out to the masses with bright colors and clever marketing. This one called out to me from the deepest stores of my personal history.

Caramello.
Caramello!

I'm sure I've walked passed it once a week for my entire adult life, but it had never actually called out my name before. Well, maybe it had, but there's no way I would have heard it over the whining and begging that usually accompanies the grocery store experience.

I stopped. I turned slowly to face it; the warm brown color of the wrapper gleaming ever so softly in the harsh, florecent lighting of the grocery store. An involentary smile played at the corner of my mouth. I looked to my left. Then to my right. Then, like a kid who's trying to shoplift a verboten pack of gum, I snatched the candy bar off its shelf and tucked it underneath my bag of frozen peas.

At that moment, my entire shopping experienced changed colors. Instead of the flat, gray obligation that has always been the shopping list, I was in a world of neon. Every now and then I would peek at my forbidden treasure and grin sheepishly at the matronly woman next to me in the produce department. I whistled as I hefted boxes of Mac & Cheese into my cart. The cashier became my new best friend as we laughed together about things that weren't actually funny. I ran with the cart and jumped up on the lower basket, riding to my car like a teenager. I made silly faces at a little boy who was passing by as I unloaded my goods into the back of my *Audi TT*.

Then the moment came. I reached inside the last bag and pulled out my Caramello. I just looked at it for a moment as my half smile spread to cover my entire face. I sat down on my bumper and turned the bar over backwards.

"Maybe I'll find a golden ticket in here." I thought to myself as I gently scrapped my lower lip with my teeth.

Tucking my finger inside the paper, I tore it straight down the back and quickly peeled away the golden foil. The beautiful, milky brown of the chocolate made the glands in the back of my throat ache with desire. I pulled apart one little square and watched the honey gold strings of caramel fight to keep the bar together. I took a deep breath and looked at the sky as I placed it on my tounge. I didn't chew it. I just let it soften in my mouth, so I wouldn't miss a moment of flavor.

It is for this moment that I say no to the cookies at Craft Night; for this experience that I decline that bag of m&m's at the movie theater. This is the moment that makes all the discipline worth while. I released a happy sigh as I nuzzled deeper into my trunk and gleefully finished my sinful treat. Maybe if I wait even longer for my next indulgence, it'll taste even better.

Nah. Not possible.

*I refuse to admit that I drive a mini van*

A Political Conversation Between a 7 Year Old and a 9 Year Old

2008-11-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

Shiney: "George Bush is retiring today."

Monkey: "Who's George Bush?"

Shiney: "Only the PRESIDENT of the WORLD, DUH."

Monkey: "Whatever."

Shiney: "Everyone is voting today. Either it will be McCain or McBama. McCain is like a great great great grandpa who had to borrow his brain. And McBama is a social-ick who wants to give our money to really poor people without asking us."

Monkey: "How do you know?"

Shiney: *with great condescension* "EVERYBODY knows."

Monkey: "Well I don't have any idea what those guys do."

*pause*

Shiney: "Ya. Actually, I don't think ANYBODY does."

This is the most honest conversation I've heard in MONTHS! Good luck today Voters.

Halloween

2008-11-02T14:31:00.000-08:00

Halloween came and went so quickly this year, I barely had time to notice it! Yet I did still make time to attend about six parties. We did all of our usual traditions: Caramel apples, jack-o-lantern carving... but all of it was done with just a pinch less fanfare than usual.

For example, we DID go to a pumpkin patch, but it was so late in the year that EVERY PUMPKIN IN THE FIELD WAS ROTTEN! I'm talking brownish puddles of sludge ROTTEN.

Poor Squeaks.

The kid's EXTREMELY last-minute costumes were great this year. My boys wore their first-ever scary costumes, and my girl got her first NOT scary costume in several years.

After the trick or treating with my babies, my BFF and I hit up three different Big Kid's parties in Seattle. I flashed back to the 80's and spent the evening as the ultimate badazz rocker chick, Joan Jett! I rocked half a can of Aqua Net to get this look. Almost every piece of my costume was vintage, from the suede slouch boots to the authentic Joan Jett and the Blackhearts concert Tshirt. Kristen's costume was BRILLIANT: The Joker in the nurse's dress. I laughed pretty much every time I looked at her. Julia went as Sarah Palin. Her costume actually won an award at Hula Hula! She was in character ALL NIGHT with the little accent and the crooked faced mannerisms... it was scary. Much fun was had by all.

Can I just say how GLAD I am that the look of the 80's is NOT back in full force? Cuz I had NO kinda fun trying to scrape that costume off. It took about a bucket of makeup remover just to clean off my eyes. And DUDE. Don't even get me started on the SMOOTHING of the RATS NEST! HOW did they do that EVERY NIGHT?!

After all the parties, I slept over at Kristen's house where we stayed up till after 4am watching Friday the 13th and giggling. All in all, I had a sensational Halloween. But seriously... With costumes, candy, friends and parties... how could it be anything but FUN.

How was YOUR Halloween?

Haunted

2008-10-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

The events I'm about to relay to you are true. I can't tell you everything that happened. It's too personal and too disturbing for my happy little bloggy. But I CAN tell you enough to get the point across.

When I finished beauty school, I moved to a charming little suburb called Edmonds. I found a lovely apartment there that was available for a SERIOUS bargain. It was a corner flat, half underground and tucked quietly away in the back of the complex. They claimed to need extra time to get the place ready, and wouldn't even let me see it until they'd cleaned it. But the lease at my place in Seattle had run out and I found myself with no place to live. So I volunteered to move in and finish cleaning the place for them. They were hesitant, but agreed.

When we walked in, I understood the hesitation. What I saw there gave me the CREEPS. There was a SOLID BLACK film of something that completely covered the bath tub and shower walls. All of the light bulbs had been replaced with red lights. There were knife and gun magazines in a pile in the middle of the floor. The place was Psycho City!

We rolled up our sleeves and purged the place of all filth, but I'm pretty sure that bleaching the Gateway to Hell would not make it a more pleasant environment. A dark and menacing depression still hung in the air.

Living just a few minutes from work, I would frequently drive home and spend my lunch hour there. On this particular Tuesday, I had come home to enjoy an hour of solitude in the middle of my day. I briskly approached the entrance, turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open.

The light inside my apartment was cold and heavy, with a blue tint that seemed to drain the color out of everything in the room. I passed through the threshold and stopped short. For no apparent reason, my senses were piqued. My hands started to feel cold and tingly. The sensation spread up my arms, through my shoulders and to my neck, leaving all the little hairs standing on end in the wake. My heart quickened. My palms started to sweat. All of my instincts were warning me that I was not alone.

"Hello?" The sound of my own voice was the equivalent of a gunshot in the muffled silence of the apartment. It broke the spell. I nervously laughed at my foolishness and walked quickly through the living room. As I turned the corner to the kitchen, my step slowed. My eyes darted around the room as the odd chill moved down my back. I shivered. It was unnaturally quiet; like someone had lined the entire room with thick blankets. I couldn't even hear the click of my heels on the wood floors. The only sound was the unsteady whisper of my own breath. I cleared my throat awkwardly in a deliberate attempt to shatter the strange silence, and went about fixing lunch. As I worked, my fingers trembled. I found myself unable to blink. In moments such as these, I always take comfort in the songs of my childhood. I moved toward the kitchen table slowly, and began to sing.

"I am a child of God..."

I took a deep breath.

"and He has sent me here..."

My eyes began to well up.

"Lead me, guide me, walk beside me..."

The room was physically shuddering as the tension mounted to an unbearable level. Heavy tears spilled over and fell with unusual speed down my cheek.

It was then that I felt the unmistakable weight of a touch on the back of my neck. There were fingers, colder than ice, digging lightly into my hairline. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out. My eyes were so wide that the muscles connecting them were aching under the strain. The frozen touch was burning my skin. My vision had tunneled to almost complete blackness. There was a terrifying pressure on my heart. Then, as I felt and a strange kind of heat on my left ear, I heard it.

Two words venomously spat out in a harsh, mangled whisper.

DON'T
SING!

The tension trembling through my body turned to wild fear. It rolled through my limbs and up my torso, tore through my heart and into my throat, building in ferocity until it exploded from my mouth in the form of a blood curdling scream; the kind of hollow, unearthly scream that I had never before produced, even in my worst nightmares. I didn't notice my plate hitting the floor and shattering into a hundred tiny pieces. I just ran. Ran for my life. Ran to escape what ever evil was in the room with me. But an oppressive kind of hopelessness followed me for days.

I don't understand why some corners of the world have a propensity toward evil. This was not an isolated incident. Nor was it the worst or most extreme "encounter" that I had while I lived there. But, after everything I saw and survived, I am no longer afraid. I know that we are stronger than they are. That's why they're so angry. Because they also know that when push comes to shove, we will win in the end. This belief is what carried me through the haunted year that I lived in the Gateway to Hell.

I chose this theme for my October Soap Opera Sunday. Visit this week's host, My Life in Type, to read more Soap Operas!

YES I need ALL my black shoes.

2008-10-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

I have more shoes than some people, but not NEARLY as many as I need. I bought a few new things a couple weeks ago and was explaining to my husband how I "needed" some new black shoes to go with them.

"Is that a joke??" he asked me in all seriousness.

"No. Why would I joke about something like shoes?" I calmly replied.

"You've got like a hundred black shoes! You could wear any one of them and they would look just fine!"

This, I do not understand. I know men don't generally follow fashion the way women do. But HOW can they not see the extreme difference between one black shoe and another? How are they universally blind to the way each look affects the outfit!

For example. Does it really take a fashionista female to know that there is a difference between THESE black Jimmy Choo boots
<--------

and THESE black Jimmy Choo boots?
-------->

The difference is painfully obvious! Yet 80% of the men in the world claim to be unable to see it. I'm sorry guys, but I just don't buy it. My husband, like so many others, is incredibly intelligent and observant. It's pretty clear that they're all playing dumb so we will have to go through life feeling unnecessarily guilty about our shoe expenditures. Well I refuse to feel guilty! Each shoe is different and I need them all! I know it's not a need in the 3rd World sense. But I'm an American and I'm talking about my American need vary my look.

I have put together a collection of fabulous black shoes, each style extremely different than the next. The point I am proving with this exercise is that black shoes are not outfit interchangeable. Meaning, if I was wearing something that would match one of these shoes, there isn't another shoe in the mix that would create the same effect with that same outfit. Look closely and tell me if you agree.

That was only a small handful of the many shoe styles available to us. Then there are a million different versions within each style that we might want to have for variety's sake. While the shoes shown below are all black designer heels, they are each so beautifully unique and I WANT THEM ALL!

Are we really supposed to just choose one look that will define us until the sole peels off? I think NOT! We NEED several pairs of shoes! And not ONLY in black. A girl does need some color in her shoe collection. I would love to have one pair of red shoes for every pair of black. I'm also a big fan of prints and other playful touches. But when there's a budget, we tend to lean toward black because, believe it or not, it means fewer shoes that way! If we buy in color, we limit what we can interchange and therefore need MORE shoes to make it all work. So gentlemen, we have all these black shoes so we won't need 3 times as many! You should be GRATEFUL that we brought home another one in black!

You ask... How many shoes does a woman need? I don't see any reason to think so small. It's not about numbers. Fashion is ART. And you know art and numbers don't mix.

How many black shoes do YOU have? Is it enough? You know it's not.

The Disney Awards

2008-10-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

I've always been a big fan of Award Ceremonies. I go to an Oscar party every year and I USED to try and see every movie up for major nominations. Now I just can't keep up. Why, you ask? BECAUSE I spend all my time watching DISNEY movies with my kids instead! There are several award-worthy moments in Disney land that make it OK for me to spend my time there. I'll lay them out for you, as determined by ME.

Best Picture
My choice of Cinderella as the all time greatest animated Disney movie is based on the music, the characters and most of all the story. I feel like Cinderella has affected our entire culture more than any other Disney movie in history. It has been copied time and time again in modern stories. It was their first great love story to trump the theme of dreams being wishes and wishes coming true if you just believe. That has been Disney's theme ever since. Honorable mention to my runner-up, Beauty and the Beast. It's the only New Disney movie that is the same quality as Old Disney.

Best Original Screenplay
Meet the Robinsons is an extremely clever story that is absolutely stuffed with unexpected twists and lovable characters. It handles a lot of important ideals like family, perserverance and loyalty. The quote at the end of the movie says it all: "Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long.We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney
Honorable mention: Lady and the Tramp

Best Adapted Screenplay
Most of Disney's stories are taken from another source and Disnified. My favorite of these is probably The Little Mermaid. The original story, I believe, was meant to be the last straw for a suicide case. Disney managed to take the most depressing story of all time and turn it into a magical fairy tale full of warmth and hope. All the characters are relatable and delightful, the music is incredible, and the villain is one of my all time favorites. Just generally a sensational production. Honorable mention: Sleeping Beauty.

Best Original Score
James Newton Howard knocks another one out of the park with this chillingly beautiful score. If you've never heard it, you're missing something special. Honorable mention: James Newton Howard's score for Treasure Planet. What can I say? The man's brilliant!

Best Original Song
This trophy goes to the timeless classic, When You Wish Upon A Star. When I think of Disney, this is the first song that comes to mind. It embodies all the magic, hope and purity that is quintessential Disney. Honorable mention: A Whole New World, Beauty and the Beast, Kiss the Girl, Reflection, Baby Mine, A Dream is a Wish, Colors of the Wind, Two Worlds One Family, Bare Necessities and Once Upon a Dream. So much amazing music over so many years!

Hottest Princess
I know Jessica Rabbit is supposed to be the hottest Disney Chick of all time, but I've always been a little turned off by her over exaggerated features and proportions. Now, after seeing her "untooned" at Pixaloo, she is just full on freaky looking. You'll want to follow that link and see what I'm talking about. It's pretty amazing. That said, I would like to present the Hottest Princess award to Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not my favorite movie, but that chick is a total sex kitten! She's about the best proportioned of them all. Combine that with her exotic coloring and the fact that the girl can rotate her hips like Carmen Electra, and you've got one maddsexy princess. Honorable mention: Pocahontas and Cinderella.

Sexiest Prince
This is difficult, to be sure. But I do believe I'll go with Captain John Smith of Pocahontas. I just love his perfect square jaw, those crystal clear blue eyes, and seriously, I wouldn't have minded a few shirtless scenes. Ymmmm. Hey, it's not JUST for kids. We mothers have to watch this crap too! Honorable mention: Li Shang of Mulan.

Scariest Villain
Shanyu from Mulan. That freaky deep voice. Those beady, glowing eyes. That über evil agenda... This dude makes me wet myself. Honorable mention: The Queen in Snow White. That old hag is FREEAKY.

Favorite Villain
Captain Hook! The villain we love to hate! He is done so well in Disney's Peter Pan. Just the right balance of mean and funny; ruthless yet incompetent. He's a real threat, for sure. But you never feel like he could win. You always know the hero will conquer. Honorable Mention: Goob from Meet the Robinsons. If you haven't seen it, go out and watch it immediately. Goob has a nasty plan designed to mame and destroy, but he's also thick as a brick and incredibly loveable. I'm laughing right now just thinking of him.

Cutest Couple
I do believe the cutest couple is Aladdin and Jasmine. They look so good together, for starters. But it's more than that. This movie does a great job capturing all the feelings of young love. Like the way the sparks fly when he sees her for the first time, the way Aladdin describes her to the genie, and the way they both fall hard when they have an honest conversation. Even more, I love the way she hates him when he puts up an act and tries to be someone he's not. It's a great life lesson. Honorable mention: Jane and Tarzan! Those two have the kind of MADD chemistry that absolutely sets the screen on fire! They don't even kiss in this movie. They don't have to. Tarzan is so flippin intense; I love how she can't handle it and has to look away blushing. They're just adorable.

Funniest Sidekick
The sidekick is usually much appreciated comic relief. Point in case, the mice in Cinderella. They're so dang cute. But I believe the best sidekick would have to be one who stood alone, rather than in a pair or a group. The genie from Aladdin was my initial choice, but I decided his humor was too dated. In 10 years kids won't have any idea what he's talking about. So I went with the timeless Mr. Smee of Peter Pan. Everything about that character makes me giggle to this day. He's a priceless asset to one of my favorite movies. Honorable mention: Timone and Pumba from the Lion King.

Greatest Character
I believe the best character ever written by Disney is Pocahontas. Many of our Disney girls are strong and independent, but she is without the selfish teenage angst that so many of the others are plagued with. She's a born leader with amazing spiritual strength and intuition. She puts the greater good over her own desires. She's a very complicated, dimensional character, but still has the simplicity that comes with purity and selflessness. I think she's a great role model. Honorable mention: Belle of Beauty and the Beast.

Best Kiss
This is VERY difficult. I do love the kiss between Belle and the Beast. It's the way he plays with her hair and cradles her face and head. I have a weakness for that move. But I can't award it the number one slot because Adam is just too fugly. I can't get past it. So I'm going to vote for the kiss between Jasmine and Aladdin. It has all the sweetness and innocence that I love about Disney with a fair dose of passion to boot. I saw this movie in the theater. When it got to the kiss, my big brother belted out in his booming loud voice, "THAT'S A PRETTY HEAVY KISS FOR A G-RATED MOVIE." I would have died of embarrassment if I wasn't laughing so hard. Honorable mention: John Smith and Pocahontas. That, too, was hot.

I am interested in who YOU would vote best kiss. In addition to Aladdin and Jasmine, we have:

Belle and Adam
Meg and Hercules
Lady and the Tramp
John Smith and Pocahontas
Aurora and Prince Phillip
Ariel and Prince Eric
Snow White and the Dwarfs
*Be honest. I'm not going to judge you*

So who gets your vote? Are there any other Disney Awards that you feel have been left out of my award ceremony? Let's hear it. Only animation, no Pixar. GO.

Wanderlust

2008-10-09T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling very restless these days. This is bad. In my experience, there are only a few ways for me to calm myself when I get like this, and that is to:

A) Spend a TRUCKLOAD of money on unnecessary but super fab things like home decor and wardrobe enhancers.

2) Travel to a destination that is entirely new to me and have a novel worthy adventure.

D) Take up a new hobby that requires a great deal of time and energy.

9er) Go out and deliberately defy minor laws or moral resolves.

I'm counting on my over active imagination to fill in the gaps for me until any of the above become practical.

In the mean time, the best I can do is to awaken my fantasy life, and TRAVEL via the World Wide Web. So the question that imposes itself on the cognisant mind is, WHERE do I want to GO! These are the thoughts that have inspired me to list the top 5 cities I must see before I meet my horrific end.

NEW YORK CITY

The Apple of America's eye! The mecca of Broadway, celebrities, business and television! I find it absolutely PATHETIC that in my 31 years on this planet, I have NEVER BEEN TO NEW YORK CITY!
I have a lengthy must-see/must-do/must-taste list for when I finally go that includes but is not limited to The Rainbow Room, The Late Show, Pacha, 5th Avenue shopping, Open Mic night at The Village Underground, Cafe Carlyle, Nathan's Famous, Central Park, a Broadway show (preferably Wicked), the Sex and the City tour, the Rose Bar, and of course the Chip Shop in Brooklyn for the Deep Fried Twinkie! And I'm pretty sure all this needs to happen during fashion week. Hm. I might be looking at more than one visit. Better start this year!

LONDON, ENGLAND

London is the blooming dog's bollocks! There's a magical creative energy that seeps out of the many villages of London Town. The literature is unparalleled: Shakespeare and Austen, Peter Pan and Harry Potter... then there's the edgy fashion, the brilliant music, divey pubs, and let's not forget that accent... I want in on ALL of it! I'll start conversations by saying "All right?" and declare all foolishness to be rubbish! I'll refine my British accent so I can manipulate all the American suckers back home like this guy here. Oh I just can't wait.

PARIS, FRANCE

The City of Lights; a town of a thousand faces. The architecture, the Bistros, the galleries, the bookstores, and SO MANY museums! I'm determined to learn some of the language before I go. (No need to tempt all the rudies to spit their macaroons on me as I beg someone to help me find a bathroom.) When I go, I plan to throw all caloric caution to the wind! I will don the highest Louboutin heels and layer on the chicest accessories with absolute abandon! I'll spend an entire day breaking the bank at Rue des Francs-Bourgeois and another in Printemps Haussmann. I'll drink in the magnificence of the Louvre, the Musee d’Orsay, the Musee Carnavalet, then take a detour to Montmartre. Oh yes. Paris and I WILL be lovers before I meet my horrific end.

ROME, ITALY

It's the hundreds of years of history that draw me to this amazing city. Just standing in a place that old, you can feel the memories of all the lives that were lived out there. The weight of history is so heavy in some places that it actually effects the air, somehow changing it to feel more like water. It reminds me of how small I am as an individual. Yet I leave feeling important, like I'm a part of something that is bigger than even I can imagine. I'm absolutely giddy about the idea of hitting the big tourist spots in Rome. The Colosseum, St. Peter's Basilica, Trevi Fountain, the Pantheon, Vatican City, the Sistine Chapel... I have goosebumps just THINKING about it! I shall drape myself in a flirty white linen dress, rent a Vespa and SEE IT ALL!

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND

I am completely fascinated by the medieval flavor of Scotland! On one hand it seems like such a brutish place. On the other, there is a great deal of culture. Edinburgh seems to have a masterful blend of the ancient and the modern. I have a thing for castles, so that alone puts this place on my map. But it's the world famous festivals that put it in my top five! My plan is to spend the entire month of August there and devour everything that 'The Festival City' can throw at me! I'm most excited about The Fringe festival. Though I also fantasize regularly about spending New Years Eve there; Singing Auld Lang Syne in the streets, swinging hands with strangers (who are now my best friends) and watching the fireworks over Edinburgh Castle... Could it get ANY cooler than THAT?!

I would also LOVE to see Jeruselum, but I don't want to die. Other honorable mentions include Sydney Australia, Maui Hawaii, every square inch of Italy, and (yes Nikki) Delhi India!

Yes, a rich fantasy life will get you through pretty much ANY slump in reality. Where does your mind wander when you need a pseudo adventure?

Annual Camping Tradition

2008-10-06T23:57:00.000-07:00

Amy - "Am I gonna make Melain's blog?"
Kristen - "Maybe. If you say something cool."

"I'm just trying to make you feel less stupid than you look."
-Melain

Lili - "Where are the kids?"
Melain - "I think I see a flash of head."
Kristen - "That's what SHE said."

*To Jon as he crosses the river*
"DON'T FALL IN! Cuz it's lava. And you will die." - Kristen

"I'm bored. Why don't we find something to burn." - Monkey

*To Jonathan as he hugs Monkey*
"Be careful not to let any LOSER rub off on him." -Jeff

"You thought it would dry them? It's a FIRE not a hairdryer!"
-Byron

Kristen - "Who wants to go?!"
Jeff - "YOU do!"
Kristen - "OK, let's go!"
Jeff - "K, see ya."

Amy - "Kristen, what do you like about ME."
Jeff - "Jeez Amy!"
Amy - "Well! I want to know why people like me!"

"I'd be more apathetic if I wasn't so lethargic." - Jeff

Jeff - "I'd like to see a drill Sargent just pull it out and slap some guy in the face with it."
Daren - "Ya, that sounds about like the kind of movie you'd watch."

Amy - "Weren't you praying for sun?"
Melain - "No."
Amy - "Well what the hell were you doing over there?"
Melain - "We were just shaking hands, congratulating each other on our righteousness."

GOOD times. Can't wait for next year. Nuff said.

The Power of Shoes

2008-09-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

It was a normal day in my normal life. I was at Nordstrom, doing some stress relief shopping. My littlest boy and I were just getting ready to check out, when something caught my eye. A name.

Not just any name.

A name that strikes reverence and awe into the hearts of all those who follow the glorious world of fashion.

None other than the name of MANOLO BLAHNIK.

The thing that really caught my attention was the odd way in which this sacred name was being displayed; in a shoe box on a fold out table amongst stacks of other boxes. The outrage I felt from this slander had me on the verge of a serious diva moment. But before I could have a proper tantrum, I was distracted by the names printed on other shoe boxes on that table.

Valentino.
Marc Jacobs!!
Prada!!!
Dolce & Gabbana!!!
Dior!!!!

I couldn't believe what I was seeing! These are some of the most respected and coveted designer shoes in the fashion industry! The outrage returned in full force! What were these precious gems doing piled on top of each other in such an irreverent fashion?!

With my heart pounding, I slowly moved toward the table. The Manolo's are my size! I reached out toward the beautiful shoes with trembling fingers, fully aware that I was facing the realization of a lifelong dream. I wasn't fully aware that I'd stopped breathing until I forced my eyes to focus on the price tag. If I'd had enough air to scream, I would have.

Original price: $995.99

Marked down: $695.99

Reduced: $349.99

Sale Price: $149.99

For a moment, the heavens parted! A pillar of light shone down around us; me and my Manolo's. I heard the beautiful sound of angels singing! I didn't realize that the singing was coming from me until the sales associate offered me a tissue and helped me up off my knees. I called several friends on the spot, offering to buy whatever they wanted. But there were no size matches for anyone else.

This will go down as one of the greatest moments of my young, broke life. A moment when the existence of a higher power was confirmed beyond a doubt. I already had all the icing in my life. The "happy marriage" and the "healthy body" and all that. But my Manolo's? My Manolo's are the CAKE.

This post was written as a part of Soap Opera Sunday, though it's not in keeping with September's theme, "Three's a Crowd". Visit this week's host, The Extraordinary Ordinary, to read more Soap Operas!

Speaking of new hairstyles...

2008-09-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

It was time for an updated look.

Survey says?

Yearbook Yourself!

2008-09-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

My most profound appologies, dear readers, for not coming through this Sunday. I was wrapped up in other "me" things. Literally. I have for you today, all the evidence to prove it. I came across this super fun site called Yearbook Yourself. I got such a huge kick out of it! Each look is made with the exact same picture of my face. Of course there were several crucial hair styles missing from their yearbook, so I had to seek them out and make them myself. Isn't this HYSTERICAL?

1942

&

1947

1952

&

1958

1960

&

1962

1966

&

1968

1972

&

1974

1976

&

1980

1982

&

1984

1986

&

1988

1989

&

1991

1993

&

1995

1997

&

1999

What year do you think suits me best? What would suit YOU?

Party Favors. Yay or Nay?

2008-09-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

My daughter graduates to the double digits this week. The big 10. Since 21 is the only major birthday that falls on an odd year, I throw the big themed party on even birthdays and a small family party on the odd years. As such, I now have the pleasure of planning a last minute-ish party for Shiney, and I'm breaking into hives just thinking about it.

Aside from the obvious stresses of putting together a big party for a bunch of squealy little tweeners, I have one small hang-up I'd like to put out to you. Every time my kids go to a birthday party, they come home with a little bag stuffed full of candy and ~~obnoxious~~ little toys. When did this become an obligation? My kids are coming to celebrate some one ELSE's big day. They're getting cake, ice cream, pizza, a dozen friends and a landslide of superfab games out of the day... WHY do parents feel the need to send them home with more than that? Have any of you parents ever been offended when your child came home from a party with nothing but a smile? Would I be breaking an unspoken code of educate by NOT providing the party favor bag? Your thoughts.

And in unrelated news, I was presented with this award yesterday! GO ME!!! My sister in law Melissa has bestowed upon me The Smile Award! She gave honorable mention to my bullet point posts about life with kids, so I've provided links to some such posts. Since I really have nothing to do with the humor involved there, I will humbly accept this award on my children's behalf.

How To Recognize The Last Day of Spring Break
I Need More Sleep
Summer Memorial

As the rules go, I would like to pass this award along to 5 amazing bloggers that never fail to have me wheezing for breath on the floor.

First up would have to be Kelley from magneto bold too. I seriously bark out loud at this lady's brazen take on life with "Boo and The Damn Emos". She's the woman who says out loud everything that the rest of us are thinking. She even finds words to voice the things that we didn't know we were thinking.

Secondly, I MUST bow to Loralee of Loralee's Looney Tunes. She has a flare for story-telling and the kind of descriptive power that will bring even the stiffest person to side splitting tears.

Another of my favorite sites is undoubtedly These are a few of my Favorite Things, penned by the humble, yet fabulous, Christie. She walks us through her days with charm, grace, and unparallelled hilarity!

This list would be incomplete without the self proclaimed goofball, Charity of Hidden Treasures from an Oddball Mind. Not only is this woman my sister, but she's also a comic thespian! She combines ordinary words in ways no other human being is capable. And for those of you who are wondering, she talks EXACTLY like she writes! I promise you, you've never seen anything like it.

And last, but CERTAINLY NOT least, I'll have to boomerang this nod right back at Melissa of The Howell Herald. Melissa's kids give her humor ammo day in and day out. She verbally paints the most painfully hysterical pictures of what it's like to be a semi normal person who lives with crazy people.

So go check them out and have a giggle.

Three's A Crowd

2008-09-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

He's a good man." I reminded myself as I watched him run toward us with a large package under his arm.

I had been seeing Paul for several months. He was exactly my type with dark hair, exotic features and a generous tipping ethic. He was also tall enough. And for a 5'9" woman with a passion for stilettos, that was a big deal. Yet the feeling that he wasn't right for me was a constant irritation, like a week old sunburn.

I was sitting in the grass at Green Lake, in our usual meeting place. It was a perfect day to be there. As a People-watching hobbyest, I'm always delighted by the slew of characters that come out of hiding when the sun is visiting Seattle.

"I got you girls a little something." Paul said with a mischievous sparkle in his soft green eyes. He dropped to his knees on the blanket. The package he placed in front of us was so badly wrapped it could only have been done by a man. I suppressed a laugh at the thought.

"What is it?" I inquired, as the little kid in me did a happy dance.

"Maybe Shiney should open it up so you can see!" We both turned to look at my little girl. She just blinked at us. Being only 6 months old, she didn't know to display more appropriate levels of excitement at Paul's gesture.

My daughter was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. Her strawberry blonde hair sat in perfect ringlets around her tiny head. Her eyes were the color of the clear blue sky on a summer evening. And when she smiled, the light from it dominated the even the biggest room. Every time I looked at her, my heart physically ached as it expanded to accommodate all the feelings of a new mother.

"Perhaps a little help from mom?" Paul winked at me. I tore at the paper with Christmas Morning enthusiasm. It was impossible to hide my surprise as I unveiled a beautiful designer BabyBjörn Carrier. He beamed at my reaction as I gaped and stammered at him.

"WHa... Dij... shf... PAUL!" I finally managed to spit out.
"Melain!" He mocked back.

"Well... THANK YOU! What's the occasion?!"

The mischief spread from his eyes to his smile as he leaned forward, shifting his weight to his hands.

"The occasion," He pronounced the word with exaggerated precision. "is that you're beautiful,"

He kissed my temple.

"...and it's sunny,"

He kissed my chin, his eyes holding mine.

"...and I wanted to see that big smile of yours." He raised his eyebrows two times; a mannerism of his that had become endearing to me over the months.

"AND..." he popped to his feet so abruptly that I jumped back in surprise. "it's a great day for roller blading!" He finished his statement with a cheeseball expression that matched his overzealous tone.

Paul had tried several times to get me to go roller blading with him, but I kept on using Shiney as an excuse to decline. I have a great fear of falling, and putting myself on wheels is a sure way of tempting gravity to show me it's omnipotent power.

"Oh! Great!" My weak attempt to match his enthusiasm was about as convincing as a third rate politician on election day.

Paul laughed and pulled me to my feet. He wrapped his arms around me. "Don't worry. I'll wear Baby Shiney so you can concentrate on being fabulous." I rolled my eyes and pulled out of his embrace.

"I'm not going for fabulous, Paul. I'll be lucky to come out of this with a single shred of dignity in tact."

Shiney was looking at me as though she had understood every word that had been said. She looked worried. Her little arms reached up to me.

"It'll be OK Precious." I said to her as I scooped her up and held her to me. Her tiny body seemed to melt into mine.

"O KAY?!!" Paul scoffed, "It'll be the best day of your life kiddo!" He took Shiney from my arms and flung her around in a circle. Her baby laugh rang through the air, warming me to the center of my bones. Only an infant can make that sound; the sound of pure, unadulterated delight. I made a mental note to ask God for my baby laugh back, should I get the chance.

When he handed her back to me, she instantly curled against me, burying her soft little face in my neck. I held her hand in mine and marveled at the beauty of her perfect fingers. I kissed each one tenderly as Paul adjusted the BabyBjörn and put in on his back.

"Alright! Let's saddle her up!"

"Paul, this is really sweet, but I don't have roller blades. And I'm not sure it's safe for Shi..."

"I'm way ahead of you Baby!" he pointed to the shoppe behind me. "They're already rented. Just have to go in and give em your shoe size."

As a lover of spontaneity, I watched my adventurous side quickly win the inner struggle with my concerns. Before I knew it, I was sitting on a bench as Paul laced and tightened my skates. Every now and then his hand would travel from the skate up the smooth skin of my leg. The callouses on his hands betrayed his blue collar background. My attention turned again to my baby's soft little fingers. I wondered what life would hold for them...

"You're all set!" Paul said. His voice startled me. I had been so wrapped up in the moment with my little one that I had almost forgotten he was there. He casually lifted Shiney into the Björn. I instantly missed her feather weight on my lap. I noticed the awkward way that he handled my child as he tighten the straps around her, and wondered why it was that people without children have such a hardness to their hands. An involuntary frown washed over my face.

Oblivious to my thoughts, Paul held both his hands out to stabilize me as I got to my feet. My nerves were about to send me into arrest as I glided forward, looking even less graceful than I felt.

"I'll be right behind you." Paul said, raising his eyebrows again. He meant to sound reassuring, but the double entendre was so apparent in his tone that I took no comfort in his promise.

"You know, I don't need to be worrying about how my butt looks right now, so how bout if I'll be right behind YOU!"

He threw his head back and laughed loudly. It occurred to me that a stunt like that would have me sprawled out on my back in the blink of an eye.

Shaking my head, I nervously pushed my weight from side to side, propelling myself forward. Shiney watched me intently from Paul's back. She was the real reason I wanted to be the caboose. I knew I shouldn't have her with me, unstable as I was on my skates. But I felt better being able to at least see her. Her eyes were serious as she sensed my anxiety. I smiled at her, but she wasn't fooled. I didn't know it was possible for a baby to be this intuitive and aware! She was truly amazing.

As I pushed along, the movement began to feel natural to me. I was finally able to take my attention off my feet and just feel the day. The smell of the grass was intoxicating. The feel of the hot sun on my skin, the wind whipping through my clothes and hair, the satisfying strain on my muscles as I pushed myself faster and faster. I could feel my face relaxing and gradually spreading into a smile. I lifted my arms straight out from my sides. I could have been flying for how free I felt at that very moment. My eyes locked on Shiney's, so she could share the moment with me. I found she was still holding her arms out for me. I felt a sharp pang in my chest as I realized how much she wanted me. We'd been around the lake 3 times by then. I felt that was enough to call it a day. Paul disagreed.

"How about we skate over to Baskin Robins for ice cream!" he suggested, trying to prolong our date.

The pang in my heart was spreading to my ovaries! I needed my baby!

"How about we LOSE the skates and WALK to Baskin Robins."

Feigning defeat, Paul made like he was going to sit and remove his skates. But instead, he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the ground on top of him. To an average, single couple that would have been a fun-loving gesture. But he had completely forgotten that my baby was sitting quietly on his back. He had just thrown her, face first, into the grass with his weight and mine on top of her. He didn't even notice her muffled cry as he tried to kiss me.

"What the hell are you doing!" I shouted in his face as I dragged him up by his shirt. He was completely confused for a few seconds until he registered that the screaming was coming from his back! I was sure if I'd been watching his face, I would have seen his confusion turn to horror. But all I could see was my terrified little angel. I wrestled with the stupid Björn prison, finally freed her, and pulled her protectively to my chest. I rocked her and cooed at her until her sobs were replaced by quick, deep breaths and occasional hiccups. Exhausted, she started drifting to sleep in my arms. I closed my eyes and breathed in the sweet, rose petal smell of her skin. I watched the sun dance in sparkles on her beautiful golden-red hair. I kissed her soft, warm cheek.

And then I heard him laughing. I slowly turned to stare at him.

"Did something funny happen?" I asked carefully.

"Oh come on. That whole thing was like something out of a movie! Can you imagine how funny that would have been to watch?!" He was laughing openly now. I never noticed that nasal edge to his laugh before. I wanted to punch him.

He must have sensed death coming from my eyes, because he sobered up pretty quickly.

"Still up for ice cream?" He said pointlessly, after a very dry swallow.

"You know, Shiney's pretty tired. I think I'll take her home and let her rest." I was trying hard to stay polite.

"OK. Maybe I could come by later tonight?" He suggested hopefully as he came closer for our usually affectionate parting.

"I think I'll just lay low tonight. Maybe this weekend?" I was already plotting a way out of it.

"I'll call you later then." He put his hand in my hair and kissed me. His face was scratchy. The musky smell of his skin left a bitter taste in my mouth.

As I walked toward my car, I could feel his eyes watching me. I didn't turn back. I was so ready for it to be just the two of us again; just me and my girl.

This post was written as a part of Soap Opera Sunday's September theme "Three's Company...or Three's a Crowd." Visit this week's host, The Extraordinary Ordinary, to read more Soap Operas!

Soap Opera Sunday

2008-09-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

Soap Opera Sunday, the brain child of Twas Brillig, is the most delightful idea I've come across in a while! Up to now, my blog has been pure silliness; a place for me to relay my little adventures and observations. I've always wanted to write my own memoirs, but never had a good place to start. Well Soap Opera Sunday has given it to me!

The idea is to publish a dramatic piece of your own history each Sunday. It can be dramatically funny, sad, life changing, or even dramatically mundane, so long as it's a piece of you. There is a monthly topic to help inspire a story and a weekly host to create a community feel. If you'd like to play along, just go to the host's site and add your link into her Mr. Linky. Then have your post link back to her so that people can find the rest of the entries. I'm so excited to play! Come on into the sandbox with me!

I'll post my first Soap Opera Sunday tomorrow morning...

Summer Memorial

2008-09-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

I'm already missing our fantastic summer activities!

It's the 3 months of constant nagchatter that kills me. And I quote:

"Mom? Can I light stuff on fire?"

"Mom? Is George Washington still alive?"

"Mom? Can you just cut my hair a little longer?"

"Mom? Do bears really eat poorage?"

"Mom? If I hit Shiney right now, can I still have my ice cream?"

"Mom? Will a pink eraser take nail polish off the carpet?"

"Mom? Did Old McDonalds have a french fry?"

"Mom? When is my popcorn tree going to grow? Cuz it's been a long time since I planted my popcorn seeds."

"Mom? Was my head this big when I was born?"

"Mom? Did we used to live in an apartment or in a condom?"

"Mom? Will the toaster roast my marshmallows? Cuz they're not popping back up."

"Mom? If we pretend to be good, can we invite our friends over?"

"Mom?" *in tears* "Was my fish stick REALLY Nemo?" *big brother laughs*
...

Back to School Silence is BLISS.

All Hail the 90's

2008-09-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

Several friends from high school have been finding me on Facebook and Myspace. That has me thinking about how much has changed since the early 90's. It's been long enough now that I can smile about it all, rather than hang my head in shame. Now I can fondly remember a time when:

- Pagers were high tech and only used by drug dealers.

- A guy’s worst fear was getting the Lorena Bobbit treatment.

- Pants were oversized, tops were cropped, and a flannel shirt went with everything.

- “Wax on, wax off” was considered philosophical genius.

- Ross Perot really thought he had a chance.

- “Shah-WING” was a total compliment.

- Entire personalities were lost to Beavis and Butthead quoting addictions.

- A postage stamp cost 29 cents and gas was $1.15 a gallon.

- Every girl’s prom date wore a colorful silk shirt.

- The American Dream Team ROCKED the Basketball World Championships.

- Nintendo and Sega were the ultimate rival game consoles.

- The outcome of 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe' was irrefutable.

- Michael Jordan was part God.

- No Fear gear was all the rage.

- We all knew all the words to “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”

- Sarcasm was consistently followed up with “NOT!”

- O.J. was 'innocent', but nobody cared.

- The Unibomber was on the loose.

- All your friends could quote any Adam Sandler skit.

- You believe that “a slinky, a slinky is suuuch a wonderful toy.”

- Staple conversation phrases were: “Aiiight” “Wassuuuuup” “Talk to the HAND” and of course, all references to the menacing “can of whoop-ass”

- Beanie Babies were EV-RY-WHERE!

- Preppy girls wore Birkenstocks with socks.

- Skater boys wore duct tape on their Chucks.

- ‘Heroin Chic’ drove healthy girls to eating disorders.

- Defining the term “Sexual Relations” became a nightly 6:00 News discussion.

- Someone would stand on a table and shout “I’m the king of the world!” at every party.

What are YOUR fond memories of the early 90's?

The Stiletto Strut

2008-08-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

This should be mandatory viewing for every girl on her 16th birthday. Every weekend I see them; those minions sporting sexy stilettos but walking as though they are barefoot on a bed of graveled river rock. It's clear that much effort went into their look and many mirrors were involved. All they are missing is a mirror to move with them so that they can know, once and for all, that a push up bra and a bit of mid drift doesn't compensate for awkward posture. If you can't handle the weight shift, go get yourself some cushy ballet flats and call it a day.

Rumor has it that the Glamour Stiletto Run is getting more popular and is migrating west from eastern Europe! For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Stiletto Run, part of the Global Fashion Festival, is a 100 meter dash organized by Glamour Magazine. All racers must be in stilettos, no lower than 2.75 inches, and to the winner goes 10,000 Euro for local shopping! I hope the race comes to Seattle. Maybe I could start a Stiletto Run training group. Then I can raise awareness, and train women to properly WALK in heels. That sure would make my weekends more pleasant.

It's Good To Be A Grown-Up

2008-08-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

As much as I love the summer, I'm quietly relieved that school will be starting soon. I adore spending time with my babies, but kids have SO MANY RULES! A free rolling spirit like me could easily explode under such conditions.
Wait.
That's right.
I DID explode under those conditions.
I went through a pretty raw rebellious phase when I left the nest, and I swore I would die a maverick. But becoming a grown up has made a world of difference for me! I don't need big rebellions any more because I control all of my own little stuff. Now the extent of my rebellion is:

driving to church WITHOUT a SEAT BELT yelling "TAKE THAT SUCKA!" to the passing cops.

If I don't like my dinner, I dump it out and eat a fudgecicle instead.

I can tell my friends to shutup without getting in trouble.

NO ONE can MAKE ME do my CHORES.

I chew gum as often as I want, where ever I want.

I decide what's too expensive for me.

When I think to myself, "A cookie would hit the spot right now," I just go right ahead and have a cookie.

I'll rewind the gruesome parts of Shark Week and watch them again.

If you can be stupid, I can roll my eyes at you.

When I find a top that makes me look exceptionally endowed, I buy it immediately.

I am allowed into any club in any city in the world.

I'll fall into bed smiling at the sunrise after a night out. No explanations. No scoldings.

Of course, there are still boundaries in adult life. I do have to run major purchases and time commitments past that guy I married. And without him to account to, I would have a boss or a limited income or something else to keep me in check. I'm OK with that. Just don't tell me to turn down my music and we'll get along fine.

What is YOUR favorite part of being all grown up?

Steph and I are TIGHT like that.

2008-08-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, Stephenie Meyer did a book signing tour that included visits to only four cities; Seattle being one of them. She filled Benaroya Hall with 2000 Twilighters. Every here and there would be some poor dude sitting by his wife wearing a Tshirt that said "I'M HER EDWARD", but mostly it was a total estrogen fest. Justin Furstenfeld, the lead singer of Blue October, opened for Stephenie with an acoustic set. He sounded exactly the same live as he does recorded, with only a little less accuracy in his pitch. I was very impressed. Then, he introduced Ms. Meyer. If I'd closed my eyes and focused on the screams, I would have had myself convinced I was about the see The Beatles perform on the Ed Sullivan show! Stephenie was a delightful person. She answered each question eloquently and with a great deal of charm. Almost all of the beef I laid out in my last post was addressed. I still maintain that MY ending would have been better, but at least now I understand what she was thinking.

After answering a handful of questions, she brought Justin back out on stage. He sat across from her and we watched them banter back & forth for a while. They had an adorable friendship. I could tell he was censoring his language for her, which was cute. And BOY was he workin the girl crowd! He told a story about woman he met several years ago who had completely flattened him; took his breath away. He'd never had such a strong reaction to a girl before. He was with her every minute of the day for as long as he was in her city, but eventually he had to go home and the pain of that was debilitating. He called his mom to get her advice. "How can I make this work when our lives are on opposite ends of the country?" She said to him, "Oh Honey, you can't. It's OK. She's your Never Girl." That night he wrote the song My Never. He finished the story by saying, "I wrote it for my Never girl." *dramatic pause* "And now she's my wife." The reaction was priceless. A combination of awww's and cheers and hopeful squeals of delight. *snort* WOMEN.

OK, I cheered too.

As Stephenie stood and delivered a heartfelt Thank You to her fans, my friends and I made a MAD DASH for the door! It doesn't take much imagination to estimate how long it will take one woman to sign two thousand books, and we didn't want to be at the end of THAT line! We ran for the other side of the building like we were being chased by the Volturi. Got pretty close to the front too! We spent our time in line rehearsing the many possibilities of what we could say to her in two seconds. The comments ranged from, "a MENTAL BATTLE?! How the HELL is that better than a rumble?!" ...to... "OMG, will you please write my wedding vows? Here's my number." We only stood in line for about 20 minutes before she was there, close enough to SLAP for that dumbass name! Kristen told her she was AMAZING, and Stephenie told Kristen she was SO AWESOME and thanked her. I made a little joke by counting up as she signed. "501, 502, 503..." I must have been in her head, cuz she busted up laughing. I'm sure she'll recognize me next time we meet. Julia said "I love you!" and Stephenie stood up and said, "OMG I want to BE you!" Well, maybe that didn't happen, but that's what Julia's going to tell everyone.

We went out to dinner and analyzed every moment of the evening. A woman walking past our table caught pieces of the conversation and jumped in with her thoughts as well. Twilighters everywhere. Almost two hours later we walked past Benaroya again, and the line was still FILLING THE ROOM, not even half way gone! People must have been there for HOURS. Better them than me.

I'm a little sad to be writing this, because it means the end of a wonderful obsession. On the flip side, I'm glad Stephenie is ending the story now or she'll find a way to make a Mormon sized family out of this, and Renesmee will have a brother named Bellard. Perhaps a sister named Edwella? Rosalice? Jassett! I better stop now before my gag reflex kicks in again. Thank you for Twilight, Stephenie. It was a great ride!

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

2008-08-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

Alright Twilighters... Let's discuss.

There were quite a few things about this book that I loved, and quite a few that I hated. I'll vent my angst first so we can end on a positive note.

First of all: RENESMEE?!
What.
The.
HELL.
I could not say that name without laughing out loud. RIDICULOUS. I am, therefore, boycotting the name and will henceforth refer to her as 'Carlie'.

Secondly, I was a little weirded out by the pregnancy angle. I got used to the idea and ultimately liked the story, but I find it strange that Edward can't so much as squeeze out a tear, but he's got the fluid to impregnate a woman? Riiiiight. I'm not asking for a 'realistic Vampire story', but a make-believe world has to be consistent. That's why we buy it.

Moving on... I almost lost all affection for Edward when he tried to whore out his wife to his rival. I can forgive him for hating his "monster" child, but volunteering Bella for conjugal visits to a man she had rejected? What a douche bag! Then Bella guesses what he did and isn't upset about it? That would be a deal breaker in a healthy relationship.

I would have liked to've seen Edward as a father. If he's capable of the kind of love he has for Bella, he should have made a ROCK STAR daddy. But his relationship with his daughter wasn't given any warmth or attention. That was a shame cuz nothing is sexier than a good dad and it might have helped me forgive his stint as a pimp. I also felt like he was just a secondary character in this book. He no longer dominated Bella's thoughts, so we didn't see or hear as much from him. Where was my Edward, the hero? I know the point was to make BELLA the hero this time, and the feminist in me rejoices at that, but I missed the old Edward.

While the JACOB section was interesting and I enjoyed being in his head, what was with the Leah thing? Why take the time to develop her character and then just leave her storyline hanging in the wind? I think maybe it was an attempted fake out for Jacob's love life so we wouldn't suspect how it was really heading (which didn't work as we had it figured out LONG before it happened) but ultimately, most that section was a distraction from the heart of the story.

After Bella's transformation, a lot of time was spent while they basked in their happy situation. While I LOVED seeing them happy, I was a bit eager to see what was going to happen next. So I found myself getting bored with it. I would have eaten it up if she'd gone into that detail AFTER the Volturi trouble had passed. As it was, I found the pace of the last half of the book to be very irritating.

And what the HELL is with the 300 page build up to a war that never took place! And not once, but TWICE. The first being the scrimmage between the vampires and the werewolves that got dropped like a rock. After all that build up, she just spent a few paragraphs explaining that everything was OK now. I would have liked to have SEEN things resolve! And don't even GET me started on the final battle. This was how things ended with the Volturi in book 2 AND in book 3... in LIMBO. You can't finish a series in limbo!!! I wanted closure there! Those betches needed to go DOWN. I wanted a RUMBLE! Here's how it goes in my head:

Tensions are high, the war is about to begin, the other halfling is presented to the Volturi, Aro declares peace and they try to turn tail, but Jane (who Bella has been goading with smirks) can't take it and lunges for 'Carlie' as soon as The Guard begins to retreat. Bella can't defend her without dropping her sheild and putting everyone else at risk, so Roselie (who never really redeemed herself) leaps between them and sacrifices herself to save 'Carlie'. Then the war breaks out. Emmett destroys Jane to avenge Rose, so Alec destroy Emmett *sob*, Jasper destroys Alec, Carlisle and Alice destroy Marcus, Edward and Jacob destroy Aro, and the rest go down as all the witnesses and werewolves join the Cullens. The two vampires that were there to see the Volturi fall had formed a secret alliance with Caius -the bored one- to overthrow Aro and Marcus, who had perverted their cause and become obsessed with power. They take up the Volturi's position as guardians of the Vampire world, and order is restored.

That way, we get our war and our happy ending without the feeling that no sacrifices were made. That's the other thing that left me a bit cold at the end. Everything got sewed up almost too neatly, with nothing in the end but the mere threat of opposition. After all, the joy in a happy ending is always in proportion to the threat of a sad ending. If the threat isn't big enough, the joy isn't as full. And the oppostiton in this book left me wanting.

Now, for the things I LOVED! I was thrilled that the wedding took place first thing. I felt like the wedding should have been the end of the LAST book, so I was relieved that she didn't drag that out. It also left me with no idea what was going to happen next, since we all predicted that she wouldn't get married and/or changed until the end. Lovely surprise.

I liked that Bella grew up and got over her annoying self esteem issues. I wish she would have started that growing process in Eclipse, so it wouldn't have felt quite so much like a personality transplant, but it made sense to me that she would find complete confidence and peace as a vampire. She was born to become one, and she really found herself when it happened. I LOVED reading about her first experiences as a vampire. That was the best writing in the series, I thought. I also LOVED LOVED LOVED Bella's Vampire Power! Very appropriate for her character and just generally badazz.

I loved the sexual release in this book. As a fan of sex in general, I was always a bit irritated by Edward's cold shouldering, though I understood it. I did miss elements of their prior relationship (such as all the sappy one liners that made my estrogen cup runneth over), but they had MAD chemistry. It was a natural evolution for their relationship and about bloody time. The 'sex scenes' were very tastefully done and fun to watch. (a little mormon porn?)

Jacob cracked me up. It was nice to have a bit of comic relief. I also really liked 'Carlie'. I wonder if Stephenie will write a series from her perspective? I could see her running with the storyline about the guy who is trying to breed a half vampire army. I bet the Volturi tracks that guy down, not to destroy him, but to join forces with him. Can you imagine?! The Volturi using their resources to find and kidnap human women with 'gifts' they could pass on to vampire children... CREEPY!

All in all, I loved the book, because I got the happy ending I was hoping for. But I was disappointed with the journey that got us to that ending.

What's YOU'RE break down of the book? I'm going to meet Stephenie Meyer this week! Anything you want me to ask her?

Standing Where Edward Stood

2008-08-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

Quotable: "How can he give Bella what she wants? What about that ice cold Super Sperm?!" ~M

I've just spent the weekend in a place where reality and mythology coexist in the same dimension. A place where an average girl can find love that spans the eternities and adventures that captivate the world. I've just spend the weekend in Forks, Washington.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then it will be news to you that the 4th and final installment of the Twilight Saga was released on Saturday. My friends and I are always on the lookout for a reason to have a big party, and since we count ourselves among the Twilighters of the world, what better excuse is there than THIS!

Quotable: "I don't see why we should spend money when we can just steal what we need." ~M

It started with the book release party in the U-District. There were costumes, games, food, contests and live music... We were definitely Standouts with our rockin costumes. We didn't participate in the contest, but we got prizes anyway! How's THAT for impressive! Our plan was to get the book, drive to Forks, and camp there while we read the end of our favorite love story. When we got our books, at about 12:15am, we promptly locked them in the trunk to keep temptation at bay, and went back to my BFF's house for a little ~~giggling~~ sleep before the journey.

Quotable:

M~ "It's Clair de Lune!"

K~ "I LOVE them!"

The ever extravagant Kristen had a gift for me and Julia that morning; 4 hours of music that was hand selected by her with the Twilight story in mind. She presented it to us in a 5 disc set, with pictures from the upcoming movie, and quotes from the book. It's pretty much the coolest thing EVER. Several songs on those discs will forever remind me of Edward, Bella and this trip with my friends. It wasn't easy, but I chose a theme song for each book:

Heaven on Earth by Britney Spears (Twilight),

Stay With Me by Danity Kane (New Moon),

Congratulations by Blue October (Jacob's Song)

Keep Holding On(Eclipse) and

I Will Be by Avril Lavigne (Breaking Dawn) .

I put several of my favorites on a playlist to get you in the mood...

Quotable:

K~ "There's the Forks Women's Clinic!"

J~ "Let's all go get pap smears!"

M~ "That'd make a great Piece of Flare for Facebook."

K~ "I Got A Pap In Forks."

Forks is a total hole in the ground. It would be easy to drive through the town while looking for the town. None the less, we were ridiculously excited to be there. Our imaginations created a magic that hung in the air like static. And boy are they milking it for all it's worth! They have a parking spot at the hospital reserved for Carlisle Cullen. They have Bella's red truck parked outside the Chamber of Commerce. Their local restaurants have Twilight titled entrees, like the Bella Burger at Sully's. We visited Olympic Sporting Goods, the store Bella works in through New Moon. We dropped by the Elks Lodge, the location of Bella and Edward's graduation dinner. We even went to Port Angeles and found Bella Vino Italia, the place Bella and Edward had their first date. Each place we saw had us squealing in unison, "EDWARD WAS HERE!" I don't need you to remind me that this was a fictional story. I'm fully aware of how retarded we are. But I LOVE it.

Quotable: "Vampires don't eat french fries, dumbass!" ~M

Our camp sight was right on the border of Forks and LaPush, which means we were sleeping where Jacob and Edward used to drop off Bella during Eclipse. *tehe* We systematically went through our books, reading a chapter and then discussing it before we moved on to the next. It slowed me way down, but it was tons of fun that way. We read until the wee small hours of the morning. I tied a flashlight around my hair like a rubber band so I could continue reading in the dark. We took a few breaks for smores and illegal sparklers, of course. But mostly we read. And read. And read some more.

Quotable: "I'm like the Quasimodo of Vampires! ... I take it back... YOU'RE the Quasimodo!" ~K

In the morning we went to breakfast, still reading, and then drove to LaPush to look for Jacob. The sun had the audacity to show itself for a brief moment, but most of the time there was a reliable sheath of clouds, just like Bella said there was. That was nice for pictures, but NOT so nice for beach time in LaPush. We ran around on the beach for as long as we could stand the cold before we bailed. As we drove away from Forks, the clouds lifted almost as though there was an invisible barrier trapping the clouds there. Indeed, Forks is an excellent place for sun sensitive vampires to call home.

Quotable:

K~ "If I lived here, I'd TOTALLY take up drugs."

J~ "You'd probably sell them, let's be honest."

It's too early to give my opinion of the book. I don't want to be a spoiler. But I CAN tell you that this trip was AMAZING. I wish I could do it again THIS weekend. And the one after that too, if you please. Until then, these memories have me falling asleep smiling, which is JUST what I needed.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2008-07-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. I look like absolutely NO ONE but ME. I ran 4 pictures of myself through this thing before they finally produced results, NON of which are accurate, in my opinion. I mean, Cindy Crawford? Vanna White? Lynda friggin Carter?! These women are GODDESSES! I look NOTHING like them. But it's an improvement on the previous picture attempts. Those results: "Sorry, no faces were detected" for every single one.

MyHeritage: Family trees - Celebs - Collage - Morph

I've seen My Heritage produce amazing results with other people, like Marni's celebrity transformation. That was incredible! I did a celebrity transformation too. They tried to turn me into Angelina Fug-lie, but we don't share a single feature (thank GOD) so it was an extremely unimpressive morph.

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities

I guess, all in all, this is good news. That way, when I become a world famous basket weaver, I'll be 100 percent original. Just how I like it.

Who are YOUR celebrity look-alikes?

Man Candy

2008-07-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've always been pretty boy crazy. I was told it would curb a bit after puberty. Ya, not so much for me. The only difference between then and now is the age of the man that gives me butterflies. In REAL life, I have extremely high standards for what turns my head, and the biggest factor is personality. In the land of Celebrity Lovers, however, most of that stuff just doesn't matter to me. I don't care if he's a chain smoking philanderer with an Oedipus complex. If he smolders, he's got me. It's all in the ~~abs~~ eyes. The only thing that could turn me off is EXTREME arrogance. If it oozes at me from every movie and photograph, then the beauty won't compensate. (Can you say Colin Farrell?!) Some of my crushes, I've been faithful to for YEARS. A few are relatively new to the ranks. That said, allow me to introduce you to my current Top 5 Celebrity Crushes!

JULIAN McMAHON
Meet the most recent addition to my list of fantasy lovers. I met Julian as the sumptuous Christian Troy on Nip Tuck. His character is a misogynistic, egocentric sex maniac with deep seeded psychological issues. But he has such incredible sexual presence, he literally makes my heart skip a beat sometimes! I hope he has a long career. Maybe his next character will be a bit more likable. Either way the man is MAD sexy and he has my devoted admiration.

HENRY CAVILL
This is the stunning face that I came to associate with the name Edward Cullen. My BFF and I cast Henry as Edward from Twilight before we even knew there was a movie in the works. So you can imagine my outrage when they cast the captain of Team Ugly instead. But I digress. Edward is repeatedly described as flawless. Inhumanly beautiful. Breathtaking perfection. That's a tall order, but I think Henry could've pulled it off.

I'm not exactly sure what it is about Christian Bale that makes me unconsciously suck on my bottom lip. He isn't a classic beauty, but his unique features come together incredibly well! As I've watched his movies over the years, I've felt a slow burn growing for him. Now I can hardly even read his name without releasing an involuntary moan.

BRAD PITT
Those eyes. Those lips. That hair. That BODY. Somebody HOLD ME! This man is absolutely divine and was my #1 celebrity crush for about 6 years. Having 20 kids in the last 9 months, however, has taken its tole on his timeless beauty. Which is why he has been dethroned by the insatiably sexy...

JOHNNY DEPP
No matter how hard he tries to be average, raw sex appeal just seeps off of him. He epitomizes my idea of the perfect man. Beautiful, but unaware of it. Devoted, but independent. Complicated, but without the drama. A bad boy, but a good man. Add that to the fact that his smolder makes my hips quiver, and he annihilates the competition the same way he does everything else; effortlessly.

*Honorable Mentions: Heath Leger (Rest In Peace), James Marsden, Matt Damon, Jude Law, Colin Firth, Kelly Carlson and Megan Fox.*
Oh come on, you know you have a girl crush too.

So tell me, who is YOUR celebrity crush?

I'd like to thank the Academy...

2008-07-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

So there I was, gazing at myself in the mirror and thinking, "DANG my kids have a hot mom." ...when it happened.

OK, maybe I was watching Nip Tuck and wishing I could afford plastic surgery, but let's not quibble over the details.

My awesome Sister in Law has seen fit to honor me with a nomination for a Hottest Mommy Blogger award! Thus, through my blog, I am bestowed with yet another fatty slice of validation that I don't deserve, but am incredibly grateful for. I wasn't going to mention this in a post, but then I thought, "How can I effectively Nurture my Narcissism without a brag badge that says I'M HOT!

So my interpeeps, look into my eyes and tell me... am I a hot mommy blogger? You decide. Vote for me here!

Instant Gratification

2008-07-21T02:59:00.000-07:00

Speaking of desserts, I have a confession to make. I have been plowing through the sweets like there's an impending Apocalypse that will reduce my pantry to nothing but pinto beans for the next half century.

"But Melain!" You all cry in unison, "What about your dietary resolution?!"

"What INDEED." I respond flatly, with frighteningly dead eyes.

I have a serious problem. Maybe you fellow rebels can relate to this, and maybe you'll all think I'm an absolute nutter, but here's the thing: I don't like people telling me what to do. And that includes ME. If I start trying to control myself too rigidly, it doesn't take long before my inner wild child beats the militant voice of reason within me to a bloody pulp. The final scene of that beating is often startlingly similar to THIS one...

Does anyone else have this problem? I'm really not sure what to do about it at this point. I believe it's rooted in the fact that I LOVE my body! I love what it's capable of and what it can experience. A perfect day for me will always involve an over indulgence of my senses. Beautiful scenery, inspiring music, warm sun on my skin, delicious food, and sex for hours. There are a lot of healthy ways for me to appease my desire for stimulus, but decadent desserts always win out in the end, due to practicality. It takes minimal effort, requires no one else's cooperation, and is instant gratification every time.

So tell me dear ones, have you conquered your need for instant gratification? Do you have the solution? Or perhaps a healthy way to satisfy it? Do share. My waistline can only take so much.